A
female
age
30-35,
*uiltycheater
writes:My husband and I have been married for two years. We have only ever been with each other and both have a very strong religious upbringing. Shortly after we were married we moved across the country and both made major career changes. We agreed to put our plans to start a gnarly on hold to focus on our jobs. We both started working and focuses on time on our careers, it was something we talked about and agrees upon. During this time my husband had sex with a girl from a gym we go to . It happened twice. The second time it happened he told me as soon as it happened. He came home from the gym and burdted into tears and said that he couldn't go to sleep laying next to me knowing what he did. He said there was no emotional a at all and it was purely him just wanting to get off. We both cried and I forgave him. I felt horrible, like it was my fault . I should have been home more , if should have been satisfying his needs more. A few weeks later I was working late and really upset thinking about what he had done and I turned to a coworker how had been flirting with me for months. We ended up having sex in the office that night. I told my husband a few weeks ago want happened . We again talked and agreed that maybe it was time to stop focusing on our jobs and our marriage instead.But I'm worried, our marriage will never be the same knowing that both of us have cheated , both of us have broken our wedding vows. Can our marriage be repaired
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2015): Whether it will be easy or hard for you will depend entirely upon the view that you and your husband take of what you both did. You have two choices – you both can either regret what you did or you both can be thankful for what you did. I recommend the thankful route. How is that possible? Be thankful that you have received a wakeup call – that your marriage needs work. You are young and need to learn how to grow your relationship and marriage. Be thankful that you have learned this now, and not 5 or 10 or 20 years from now. Be thankful that you love each other and are both committed to making your marriage work. Be thankful that you are honest with each other. Be thankful that you can forgive each other. Be thankful that you were not physically hurt. I invite you to add to this list of positive things that you have to be thankful for, and see if they far outweigh the negatives that you perceive from what you did. If that is true, then say this together, “For these reasons we are thankful for what we did,” and commit to growing your relationship for the rest of your lives.There was a post on Cupid not so long ago asking for the names of books on growing relationships:http://www.dearcupid.org/question/know-of-any-books-on-relationship-building.htmlI would also highly recommend “The Heart of Love” by Dr. John F. Demartini.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 If you both want to fix it, then it is likely fixable. Except, you may need some help in managing the fix and finding the common road to the fix. This is why using marriage counsellors or therapists often helps with this.
Not having a person who will manage your reconciliation could put you in a situation that the only thing you do is blame each other and so never move from the fact that, yes, you are both the causes of this marriage wreck.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 October 2015):
 I think you are in a far better position than most relationships suffering adultery. Payback, or whatever, sex is not a road I would have travelled but I totally get that you did. Not to sure why his epiphany came second time round though! That might be something that needs answering. I suppose you kind of equaled the playing field to forgiveness. Unlike another post I responded too, I don't think there is a real need for details of the act. Because you are both guilty so the need may not be strong. But most definatly the need to reconnect and set some boundaries and deal breakers in place. Forgiveness in situations like this needs to understood it is a onetime deal and not to be mistaken for a get out of jail free card for 'oops I did it again' moments. Good luck in moving forwards and hopefully getting stronger
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (21 October 2015):
The fact is you have both done wrong and first have to commit to really forgiving each other. That means agreeing to trust each other and start again, reaffirming to each other your desire to remain faithful and refusing to doubt each other’s commitment despite the past mistake. That will take some time but you just have to work through it by ignoring niggling worries and stopping yourselves if you feel the desire to bring the cheating up in an argument or give each other a hard time about it. Then you both have to be frank with each other about the fact that there were reasons why you both cheated. There are never excuses but there are reasons. IT sounds to me like both of you carried frustrations around with you and, unable or unwilling to express them, you sought an escape in the worst possible way. I think it would do you good to take yourselves back to the occasions that you both cheated and ask yourself this question: at that time, how was I honestly feeling about our home life? This will help you identify what was going wrong, and you can both figure out by discussing it, how each of you was feeling. With everything out in the open, you should then agree how to make things better. You do need to both make time for your marriage and should make sure you do nice things together on a regular basis, like going out and see a new place or having a romantic meal – whatever you’re in to. You should also agree that talking is better than bottling things up, and a way to signal to the other that you would like to raise something and discuss it in an adult manner.
But first you really need to commit to forgiveness because it’s a process. It’s not a done thing when you hug each other and say “I forgive you.” That’s the start. You have to learn then to manage the memory and any tendency to bring it up or let it influence how you treat the other person in future. I think a relationships counsellor will really help you have these discussions in a controlled space. These are difficult subjects and for each of you, the scars of your spouse’s infidelity are raw.
I wish you all the very best.
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