A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 years. We don't live together, but we see each other virtually every day, but now usually only for an hour or two due to her working a lot.I am 29 and she is 33. For the first 18 months of our relationship things were great, we had a healthy sex life, we spent lots of time together and were even talking about moving in together.She isn't very open about the relationships that she had before we got together, to the extent that it has become somewhat of a taboo subject to discuss, although she has asked me about my past relationships and I am totally open with her. About 18 months ago our Sex Life stopped very suddenly, we no longer have sex and we very rarely sleep together. She works a lot of the time so I treasure the time we get to spend together.When our sex life suddenly stopped, she told me that it was because she was on Anti-Depressants that affected her Sex-Drive, which I appreciated, but she stopped taking them 9 months ago.I try to be close and intimate with her, but I am rejected every time and as I don't want to come across as being pushy, I back off.It has become so bad that even a Hug or a Kiss feels awkward...my problem is that I am absolutely besotted with her.She tells me that she loves me, is attracted to me and that she want's to be with me and gives me support when I need it. She even still tells me that she want's me to move in with her, but before I can commit to that, I need more. I feel as if our relationship has become more like a companionship between friends than a Loving Relationship.It is driving me crazy and making me extremely paranoid, at first I thought that she could be cheating on me, but I ruled that out as when she isn't working, she either spends time with me, or with her friends who are all Women.I have tried talking to her about what we can do to get back to the way we were, but all I ever get in reply is "We'll get there eventually" and to avoid an argument, I leave it at that.I feel terrible for doing so, but I checked her computer history today and what I found both shocked and surprised me.She had a lot of Lesbian Pornography in her Internet History. Some of it was very graphic. When I saw it, my heart sunk...I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for doing it, but also it made me feel terrible.I don't feel that I can confront her about this, because it will definitely lead to a full blown argument and I will be the one in the wrong for prying.I've spent the last few hours trying to convince myself that she is just finding her sex drive again...but it just seems inappropriate. Surely she would talk to me about how she feels towards me?If anyone can give me some advice, I would really appreciate it. Apologies for the long post.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Your story really touched me. Well, two things I gather from what you have said. First, anytime anybody in a relationship abruptly stops having sex, it is probable to assume the possibility that yes in fact they are having an affair. No longer having sex with your partner and having an affair tend to go hand in hand BUT it is not always the case, obviously. So I don't want to scare you or you to panic. But it is very likely.
You say she works alot and that her workload has abruptly changed too in the last 18 months. From being able to spend virtually every day with you accompanied with a healthy sex life to only having a couple of hours daily to spare for you and no sex life.
Look I think she is having an affair. I also think that, even though I know you are besotted with her, you deserve better. What she is doing to you is not nice. Not sure why she is stringing you along because that is what it seems like she is doing. She doesn't want to lose you altogether but she doesn't want to make time for you, have sex with you, probably because she is doing all that with somebody else.
As for the lesbian porn, yes I think it is safe to assume that if she is looking at lesbian porn she probably is a lesbian or bi. Does that mean she is having an affair with a woman? Possibly.
As much as you like her, for your own sanity and your own dignity, you need to confront her. Tell her how you feel. Ask her what is up, go ahead ask her if she is having an affair, tell her you feel that way. She might get mad, she might get defensive. Her reaction is going to tell you alot about how she feels about you. If she gets defensive she prob is having an affair.
You need to accept that the way she is treating you is not right. She is not treating you like you deserve. If she loved you she WOULD be having sex with you. She WOULD make time for you. I think the anti depressants thing is just an excuse. I wish you all the best.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Be honest with her, yes it probably will lead to an argument and her giving out to you because you went through her stuff but am afraid you were in the wrong so now you need to face the music. It is just going to eat you up inside if you dont get to the bottom of it.
Dont accuse her of anything just tell her you found the history on her computer and ask her does lesbian porn turn her on? This can turn many girls on but it doesnt mean that they are lesbians or that they want to be with a woman.
You need to talk to her about this as it is just going to eat you up, you need to change your relationship tell her you would love to move in with her but that you both need to work on the physical side of your relationship and the emotional, its a bad day when it is awkward trying to kiss or hug your girlfriend. talk to her.
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A
female
reader, Sarahh._x +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Ask her outright if shes a lesbian, its the only way out. Your clearly head over heels in love with her but you deserve the truth the best relationships work through communication ask her x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Just because she's been looking it porn it doesn't mean she's gay. Does she still have deppression? It could be she's using porn as a way to get rid of the sexual frustration because, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel comfortable having sex with you.
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A
female
reader, Sarahh._x +, writes (11 November 2010):
I think you should ask her outright. Its not fair for you too be messed around considering your obviously head over heels about her. Talk to her and see where it goes x
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