A
male
age
36-40,
*kjay85
writes:Hey there just like help and some advice. My partner works at a pub in town and she could work up to 3 nights a week. We do have 4 kids together too. Well I maybe getting a bit paranoid but it’s starting to hurt my feelings and it’s happened 3 times. Right when she goes to work most guys hit on her but she told me straight away about them and also told them she wasn’t interested and she had a partner and kids which I told her I am grateful she told me, but 3 days ago she told me another bloke was hitting on her. A week ago he was asking for a lift home and saying he wants her and he always gets what he wants. It's scared me so it caused an argument between us. He is a regular in the pub. I’ve asked her to just serve the guy but don’t give him reason to believe he has a chance with her but she got angry and told me she has to speak to him. Am I right to ask her to do this? Also that same night he asked her all this she came home around 1:45am and said she was doing overtime she was meant to finish at 11:30pm. I’ve asked her if I can come to her work to have a drink and a night out there but she thinks I’m just out to spy on her but I’m not so she won’t let me. We’ve been together 12 years this year and I’m not allowed a phone or a laptop I’m not even allowed to touch my son’s tablet PC. She has a password on it. So do you guys think she could be cheating or wanting to cheat? Do you think I should go to the pub and watch how she handles these types of guys just to make feel better? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, missmatador +, writes (19 August 2016):
 I'm sorry to hear that there seems to be a serious break down in trust with your partner and it can happen in the best and worse of relationships.It sounds as though you both are responding to this lack of trust with setting unrealistic boundaries for each other. In particular the fact that you are not permitted to use the family laptop or iPad which really raises suspicions of her fidelity. In return it is definitely unreasonable that you should place restrictions on her working environment; it is her job and regardless of her fidelity, you shouldn't and are not in a position to do that in the slightest purely out of jealousy.You are both dancing around the main subject which is that neither of you wishes to admit there is a problem. That problem is that both of you have insecurities that are going unchecked and are ruining the level of trust and understanding you have for one another. Talk it through and actually listen to one another; if she does need people outside of your relationship to give her a feeling of desire then that is her insecurity. If you need so much reassurance of her fidelity then that is your insecurity.You both need to own up to this and possibly seek some sort of counselling together as intervention. If she refuses then seek counselling yourself and get out of the relationship as it is clearly toxic for you both.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (17 August 2016):
 I knew a girl who sometimes had to work extra hours on the bar when it's busy so it's not an excuse I don't think.
She's told you what happened and she said she played down the guys interest, what more can you do ? If you start prying to find more info you're going to annoy her and start to push her away.
And tbh it does sound like you're trying to spy on her if you went to her work to drink and just by you saying you're not doesn't convince me otherwise.
Also why aren't you allowed any technology ? I've never heard of an adult male who's not allowed any......
Just leave your wife to do her job, she tells you what happens as it happens. If you don't like what she tells you then tell her you're happy to hear how her day at work went but you're not interested what guys tried to hit on her.
I wouldn't recommend going to the pub to assert your dominance, it would probably embarrass your wife if you're walking round telling everyone the barmaid is your wife and tbh sounds a little childish.
Just leave your wife to do her job, because that's what she's doing, she's working to earn money to provide with her family, she's not out drinking at the bar trying to meet new people.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 August 2016):
 Why don't you have a quiet word with this guy who is asking for a lift home? ASKING FOR A LIFT - pathetic. Tell him to back off because she has a child and doesn't want any interference from him. Take a mate with you if you need a bit of back up. If you don't cause trouble you won't be barred from the pub. Are you babysitting while she is behind the bar? Get someone reliable to stand in for you. It wouldn't hurt for you to show your face in the pub now and then just to let others know there is a man in the house.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 August 2016):
No, I don't think it's reasonable for you to dictate how she should do her job. I have worked as a bartender and YES, female bartenders (and male) DO get hit on (some more than others) but that doesn't mean bartenders are more likely to cheat or go home with someone who offers a windowless van and some candy... I mean sex.
SHE is an adult. She CAN say no and have even TOLD you that she said no.
JUST because a guys FANCIES her doesn't mean SHE is interested in HIM. She has already said no and that she has a partner and child.
From the little you write it sounds like you two have a pretty dysfunctional relationship.
Why are you not "allowed" a phone? or a laptop? Have YOU been acting inappropriate online? Been looking at porn on your son's tablet perhaps? Not a great idea btw...
You are NOT a child so unless there is a GOOD reason why you "can't have" a phone or be on your son's tablet - you need to grow a set and stand up for yourself.
Do you work? if so... don't you need a phone for work?
If you are home with your child don't you need a phone for emergencies?
Where is the trust in this relationship? Why is there none?
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