A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Just broke up with my boyfriend who had been living with me for three years and I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I've met his parents, but in 3 years never met one single one of his friends. He always talked about me when he was on the phone with them, so they all knew about me. But I can count on one hand the number of times we've gone out in public together (though some of that was because money was short). He met my family and didn't seem to mind hanging out with my sister and broth-in-law. Always claimed to love me, but was always pretty self-centered. Things started going bad when I got sick of him expecting me to do all the cooking, errand running, yardwork, etc. A couple months ago he got a new client that he started hanging out with, claiming he needed some male-bonding time. Then, after some tense discussions about what I needed in our relationship, he decides we need to live apart--but still date. I thought he was getting his own place. Instead, he moves in with his new buddy and all of a sudden he can cook and clean and run errands with his friend...and he and would reschedule w/me if his friend wanted to do something. The whole time he was fiercely jealous of any associations I had--demanding I "un-friend" any single male friends I had on fb, etc He called several times a day like he always had before. I feel kind of bad about teasing him about this "Bro-mance" because I'm wondering now if he really might be gay and not even realize it himself. If he is then I feel like I should have made it ok to tell me--but how could he tell me what he wouldn't tell himself? Anytime I complained that he seemed to be more eager to please his roommate than me, he's just told me I was being a crazy person. To my knowledge he never had any physical thing with anyone of the same sex, and to my knowledge he never cheated on me...but it seemed like he was emotionally more into this guy than me. We always had great sex physically, but it became less and less "making love".I would be fine if he just fell out of love with me, but he claimed he hadn't.It finally ended between us when he cancelled on me an hour before he was supposed to come see me so he could grab a drink with another buddy--but showed up at 1:30am for a booty call. I promptly sent him home and told him he could see me the next day when he had actual time to spend respectfully with me. He didn't call the next day at all or the day after and seemed pissed that he got turned down.I told him over the phone that maybe this was a good point to set each other free--but then it took another week of him setting a time to exchange stuff and blowing me off. When he finally did, he was late because he had to "take his roomate home first" cause they had been out at the bar.If my ex IS gay, it would certainly explain a lot of things--it would make sense. I really do care about him deeply and I want him to be happy--but could he actually be dating his male roommate (not sleeping with) and not even realize it?? Is it possible for a guy to be "emotionally gay" and not be interested in being physically gay?I guess now that its over between us its really none of my business, but if he's gay and not facing it, my love for him makes me want to reach out as a friend...he's from a fairly religious background and I'm sure he'd be overwhelmingly conflicted with what he would think is "wrong" (though he's never been what I would call homophobic.What, if anything, should I do? Reach out or just not even try to be his friend?--and without knowing, how do I put some "closure" on what happened so I can at least learn something from all this?
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booty call, broke up, cheated on me, jealous, money, my ex, roommate, teasing Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 wanting to help him is a form of feeling sorry for him which is probably how he manipulated you into doing everything for him. you deserve so much better and if you hang around him to "help him get through things" you are doing yourself no favours.
good luck x
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (10 October 2010):
you are looking for an explanation that makes it seem like he has deeper issues that were responsible for him treating you badly, maybe you need to accept that he didn't respect you and isn't gay but DOES put his mates before you.
it sounds to me like he tries to make you feel unimportant and likes the idea of messing you around to make himself feel powerfull. bully behaviour.
there is no such thing as someone being "emotionally gay" you either are gay or are not, also you either treat people with respect or you dont. if someone doesn't treat you well after three years you need to get away from them as they will only ever toy with you, and thats no fun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Some more details that might help form an opinion:
I've never heard of a 3 year booty call that you lived with and let your parents get to know... his relationship with me was twice as long as any other he had ever had.
Its not really a pride thing for me at all--just seeking understanding. I had come to terms with the fact that I could be just some kind of surrogate "mommy" for him, that he could've been using me the whole time just to get back on his feet & convenient sex. But why would he be ok with me getting to know his parents but not his friends? I mean not even meeting them? Researching some things on the net (eliminating all the bs stereotypical stuff of course) it was a major indicator from psychologists as a red flag of someone "on the down low"
He spent an enormous amount of time on the internet at night (though some of it was for his business) but sometimes all night with multiple programs running and would switch screens immediately if I came in the room., & was fiercely protective with his email, etc.
During the first two years we went through a lot of things & he was always struggling with something internally--anxiety, depression, etc. He claimed he was a "typical gemini"--always in conflict with himself. He told me that a lot of people had told him they thought he was gay, but he blew that off as having been raised by a single mom and surrounded by women growing up-which is why he explained he felt such a need for male companionship.
The last six months he wasn't that into me anymore, --but we were in "neutral" until he met this guy. Then all he talked about was how alike they were, how great he was, got seriously bummed out if the dude had to go out of town for work. He seriously acted the same way about this guy as he did with me when we first met...infatuated! Then he's say weird things like "I don't know if we're gonna work out as roomates, we don't really know each other that well" He also never tried to use me as just a "booty call" before this.
I don't get why he wouldn't have broken up when he moved out, why he kept saying he wanted me to be "his girl". Just trying to keep the sex until he lined up the next girl? Maybe...but his infatuation with this guy was just very very strange...and he was interested in our relationship until he met this guy.
It would be a lot easier to say "oh he's just a jerk that doesn't want to grow up & he's not that into me" But he's said things there towards the end that concern me.."cry for help" kind of things He's clearly struggling with something. I don't want him back, but I'm not gonna just quit caring completely about someone I've been with for 3 years just because it didn't work out. I don't really think there's anything for me to do anyway--I was just hoping there might be someone with some insight.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I have a far simpler explanation: You were a booty call and he expect his booty call to do all the house work.
Lots of guys are perfectly capable of doing housework but don't when there is a woman to do it.
I see no reason for thinking he is gay, other then you needing some complicated excuse for him just not being into you. It just seems this suspicion is a way to safe your own pride.
About the only "proof" from your story is if he is behaving the same towards this other guy as you are to him, doing the other guys housework, being there at his beg and call etc etc. He could be gay, but you need more then, boyfriend treated me as a houseworker and sextoy.
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