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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Could it be that my husband of 15 years is not into me anymore but is reluctant to admit it even to himself?I don't want to make HIS problem into something about me, but it's been going on for a while and after looking for causes and trying all sorts of stuff, I am worried that he may have fell out of love but that he still loves me (I don't know if it makes any sense).He's 43, I'm 39. We're both vegetarians, in good shape, exercise daily. We take care of ourselves (and each other). We both still love participate in amateur triathlons twice a year. We still wear the jeans and swimsuits we had at the university - this is me hoping that looks may not be the problem :)About two years ago I realized that he prefers doing almost anything to having sex. I've noticed that even when we do have sex, he had troubles keeping up, so to speak. I tried spicing things up... nothing. He has no ideas in that department (which is also something that worries me a bit).Medically, everything's fine. All the tests, results... great! He has even less stress at work and more time to develop his other interests which are on the way of becoming his day job - something he truly loves. I too have a career and enjoy my work. We both have good hours so we have enough time for everything.We're not rich, but we're not struggling either. It can always be better but we're happy with what we have.We're both on the same page when kids are in question. We both do not want them. We discuss it from time to time just to see where we both stand on the subject. And we're still seeing eye to eye.There's nothing that he wants (at least that he told me about) that I don't agree with and vice versa.I am not saying that our life is perfect and that we do not fight, but we know how to deal with conflict and we almost always agree on the most important issues.I love him and I know that he loves me. When I look at us from a distance I see a family, a safe place, a loving couple that is building a life... and yet, I cannot pretend that he's the way he used to be (and I'm not talking honeymoon phase, but all the good stuff that we still had later on).So could it be that he's just not into me anymore and that he's terrified of that notion (if he's aware of it at all)?We're not cheating types but how long can a man live like this? I wonder if he finds other women (more) attractive. He says NO, but would he have said yes?I just don't want to wake up on the "wrong" side of 40 with my husband finally leaving me for another woman... I know that this may sound stupid, but I guess that very few marriages fall apart overnight.I'd love to keep the man I love, but I also know that I can't make him be in love with me if he's not...Has anybody had a similar experience or advice on what to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2016): I'm the OP.Thank you guys for helping me out. I didn't know what to think anymore.It's true that of all the men I've been with, he has the lowest sex drive (not low mind you, just lower). But it was NEVER like this.I tried spicing things up (lingerie, videos, toys... I don't like anal sex, so it's still off the table). What bothered me is that not the fact that NOTHING worked, but that he himself had no ideas/fantasies/preferences, nothing that would helps us out in that department. He's not reluctant to try new things, but feels that some things like watching porn together may be degrading for me, even though I told him that there's porn and porn and that not all of it is degrading to women.I was thinking that it may be something we ate, or didn't eat (we don't eat soy, except for soy sauce occasionally). But all the analysis came back fine.Also, he's one of guys who needs to "recuperate" (can't have sex more than once in 24h sometimes even more than that). That too made me wonder if he's getting it somewhere else (not necessarily cheating, but masturbating - which is great, but not so great of that's he's only source of excitement). I mean, who long can a man go without sex?True. There are no guarantees. Maybe I'm a bit worried because in the past few years 3 couples we knew separated in a very ugly way (2 of 3 men cheated got caught, 1 the husband left because he "felt trapped" - I'm not saying their marriages were perfect or horrible, they seemed okay). I have no problem with him leaving me (I mean I love him it would be devastating), but I'd rather it happened sooner than later, IF he's unhappy with me. As far as I can see he's making no effort at fixing things... I don't know if he thinks that everything's fine (despite our conversations) or he feels that nothing can be done...Whatever. Thank you again!
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (24 June 2016):
Dunno. Im 48. Met my wife when I was 39 and she was 31. Married at 44. With all of that, I have as much sex now with her as I did the year we first met.
Granted, we both stay in shape and make a point of continue to date each other. But I disagree with anyone who says that reduced attraction and sexual frequency is inevitable over time.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 June 2016):
 Let's face it -- lust and sexual desire does fade with age and routine. I am sure you aren't as gung-ho about sex as when you first met. It happens to everyone.
First off, just because sex has become mundane doesn't mean he is going to find a younger, hotter model of you. Guys step out for a variety of reasons but if your husband isn't a cheater by nature and your relationship is strong in other areas, it doesn't necessarily mean it is doomed.
Some things to look into:
1) Guys are turned on by a variety of things. Lingerie, positions, situations, etc. You know your husband's interests. Seduce him. Set the mood. Do what you need to get the sexual tension going again. Maybe even the occasional flirty text message would help.
2) Men, after the age of 40, can have problems maintaining erections. If you aren't having sex regularly, it could mean he is out of practice. Guys who masturbate and / or have sex regularly are usually able to keep an erection than those that go without. Sadly this is the age factor... some guys never have a problem with this, and others it hits early (women can get hit by menopause too).
3) Your husband may have a low libido. Some guys don't need it a lot. Has he always been like this? If he went from wanting it all the time to nothing, then I'd be concerned.
4) He may be using pornography to get off, which would limit his erection capabilities.
5) As a vegetarian myself, I know that you can wind up eating a lot of soy. Soy is an estrogen producer. Too much soy can reduce sex drive and erections. Some men are more sensitive to it than others. I tend to avoid it for the most part.
Unfortunately, this is one of the challenges of maintaining a long term relationship. There are no guarantees that he won't stray, but if you are both in the game to make each other happy, then your odds of success will be better. You may find it useful to look for a book or a website on how to rekindle your sex life. There is plenty of material out there. If worse comes to worse, you could look into a sex coach / therapist as well.
Good luck.
Eddie
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