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female
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anonymous
writes:I've heard women complain that when they're husbands drink they become obnoxious and abusive, but has anyone ever heard of alcohol actually making someone's personality better? My husband had to quit drinking 2 years ago for health reasons. He wasn't an alcholic but he did like to drink socially and it was a big part of our life. He was always so much fun to be around when he when we'd party together. And we were always on the go, doing things around the hosue together, shopping, going to movies, out to the clubs, over to friends. Now he's so different. He seems grouchy all the time, always biting my head off, always having something negative to say about everything; he never jokes around with me anymore or makes me laugh (one of things I loved about him even when we were sober he was fun to be with and always knew how to make me laugh). I know he still loves me and our sex life is still good but his personality change is really bringing me down. I have told him before that he seems so different now, almost manic or bipolar. I've tried to be positive and supportive especially during the first year because I know it was a big change. But now he hardly ever wants to go out and do anything anymore; not even the movies, which has nothing to do with drinking. If he takes me to dinner, the whole time he complains about the service or the food or the atmosphere. He's never happy about anything. Often I just wish he'd be able to drink again but I don't care say this because I know his health would suffer and that would be tragic. I've even suggested counseling, but he refuses (obviously he doesn't see the problem)I just don't know what to do! Is this common for people who have had to quit drinking?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I have suggested therapy, counseling, even medication. He has refused them all. He does not see the problem of how he treats people, or how he treats me. I am not sure what to do or how much longer I will continue to be disrespected and abused, but thank you for your kind and interesting answers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): alcohol doesn't make someone's personality 'better'..it can loosen people up and make a shy person less shy, but it's still a fake way to change a personality. it sounds like your husband has depression and maybe always had, but before when he could still drink, he was using alcohol as an escape, to self-medicate and feel better temporarily. now that he can't do that any more he has no way to dull his depression so what you're seeing is his true personality (well, 'true' as in, without masking the depression...but depression itself hides a person's true personality). I have friends who use alcohol to self medicate because they're constantly unhappy about something major in their lives and the situation isn't changing for the better. it's not good, but it's the 'best' option they have available that's the easiest thing to do. without the alcohol they would be forced to make major changes in their lives if they wanted to feel better (such as changing careers, getting divorced...). and they are unwilling or too afraid to make the major changes, so the bad situation that makes them upset still stays put, and they have no way to lessen their sadness or anxiety or anger so they self-medicate with alcohol to feel better in the day to day. if they are smart they would go to therapy to try and figure out what to do to make a real change, but therapy takes work which is somthing they don't want to do or feel they can't do. so they continue to self-medicate with alcohol...maybe your husband is similar to this, I would suggest you ask him how he's feeling about his life in general. I would bet he's got depression. maybe suggest therapy to him because he seems to feel so crabby all the time. see if your health insurance will cover it. sometimes it does.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): I don't know if it's common, but the same thing happened to my grandmother.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): It sounds like he is depressed. Get him to go to see his Dr. and discuss it. There's no reason that he (and you) have to suffer from this. Mild medications can do wonders. As for alcohol improving someone's personality. It can reduce inhibitions which can help, but in the long run it really doesn't do much that is really favorable.
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