A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend (26) broke up with me (28) about a month ago. We had been dating for six months and connected perfectly on very many levels. We were both very attracted to each other, had the same goals, interests, and simply loved spending time with each other. Everything seemed perfect during the first 3-4 months of the relationship. We spent almost all our free time together and thought we were meant for each other. Our physical relationship was also very healthy and we had sex almost every day. After this initial period things started to change a bit though. We still spent almost every free second together and enjoyed having each other very much, but her passionate kisses and hugs became more rare and her desire to be physical with me started to fade. I sometimes got very frustrated, because she started to deny me when I tried to initiate any kind of intimate activity with her. I finally decided to ask her what was going on. She started crying and said she had never had this problem before and that she didn’t know why she didn’t feel like being intimate with me anymore. I took her in my arms and we talked about it for a while. I felt really sorry for her, because I had not been aware that she felt that way and that this issue had been bothering her. She said she didn’t understand what it was and that it might just be a physical issue or something related to a change in her hormone levels (we had a little accident a few weeks earlier and she had to take the “morning-after” pill). She said it wasn’t that she didn’t want to have sex since she sometimes even masturbated during the day while I was at work. She said she thought that things would just change again and we left it at that. I gave her more space and things seemed back to normal after a few days. I didn’t worry about it anymore. Christmas came around and she went to visit her brother in England for two weeks. Before she left she handed me the sweetest Christmas card saying that “I meant the world to her” and that “she was the luckiest girl in the world to have me in her life”. I had tears in my eyes when I read her card and my feelings for her just intensified while she was gone. I felt like we would be together forever. She called me and e-mailed me from England and everything felt great. I picked her up from the airport on New Years day and we spent the next week together. During this week the same intimacy problems came up again and she shut down every one of my attempts to be physical with her. I got really frustrated with her one night when I just tried to kiss her and it seemed like she denied even my kiss. I thought she was stressed out over work and decided to just leave her apartment and go home. She called me the next morning and said we should talk. I expected her to explain to me that she just had a lot on her mind at the moment, but instead she broke up with me.Please see her e-mail answering some of my questions after our talk below…“My feelings for you are real- I am sorry if you feel betrayed, but I care about and feel very deeply for you. I have enjoyed the time we have spent together and would not change the way we have done things. The problem I have struggled with is the intimacy, as you know. I wanted so desperately for things to be different, and I hoped that it would change eventually. However, it did not change for me. I know this is very important in a relationship and once I realized that I can't change, I knew I had to do something about it. We both have needs and I do not want to hold either of us back. I felt like I was cheating you because I wasn't giving you my all- it isn't me and it just isn't fair. I meant everything I said- you are amazing and I have never met anyone like you before. Your feelings are not one-sided. It's just that there is something missing for me when it comes to the physical part of our relationship, which tells me that I care about you as a friend more than anything else. I do not want to continue to push you away, knowing that it would eventually impair our friendship.Please know that you mean the world to me and I never meant to hurt you. I know that we will both deal with this in different ways, but that doesn't mean it is easy for me....” We’ve been apart for a month now and haven’t talked for the last two weeks. I made every possible mistake one could make during a break-up and sent her flowers, e-mails, text messages, etc. asking her if she was sure about her decision. She openly talked to me at the beginning, but then got very cold all of a sudden and told me I had to move on. I decided to write her one last good-bye letter thanking her for the amazing time I got to spend with her. I haven’t heard from her since then. I think of her every minute and am asking myself if there is a chance that we might ever be able to get back together again at some point and that things might work in the long run. I thought that maybe we weren’t together at the right point in time. I read a lot on the internet over the last weeks and I must say I wasn’t even aware that intimacy issues were so common. I understand that the ability to be intimate with your partner is a very important foundation for a healthy long-term relationship and I believe that her intimacy issues might’ve been a result of her past relationships and other experiences. I think that she might change at some point in time though. A few years ago she was anorexic and from what she had told me it sounded like none of her previous relationships were built upon love. It really hurt me when she told me that she has never loved any of her former boyfriends although she had been in long term relationships all her life. Although she is a very, very attractive woman it seems like she is very concerned about her body. She works out for hours every day and gets worried if she isn’t able to go to the gym for a day. Sometimes it even felt like working out was more important to her than being with me. She talked about breast implants a few times and I always told her she had beautiful breast just the way they were. She was never as affectionate as I was, but she told me right when we met that she was sorry if she was a bit colder and less affectionate than other people. She said that unfortunately that’s just how she was and that it’s always been like that. I accepted that. Although she had those little flaws I learned to love everything about her. Although she might have had some issues in the past it felt like she was a very happy person now. Is there any way I could get her back after she already said she had intimacy issues with me? Is it possible that her feelings for me might change and that her intimacy problems might go away? I love her so much and understand if she needs her distance right now. To me it sounds like she has already made up her mind though since she thinks that we are not compatible. I know she cares a lot about me though and I don’t want to lose her forever if things might work out in the future. I’ve never met a person I connected so perfectly with and it seems like the intimacy issue is the only reason we split. What are your thoughts? Has anybody been through similar situations where they ended up getting back together with their ex?
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a break, anorexic, at work, broke up, christmas, flowers, get back together, her past, move on, period, text, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2009): I am inclined to think that the morning after pill incident is the main problem with your ex. I had a similar situation (a miscarriage with a guy I really cared for). We were in no position to have a baby...my children are already almost grown, but the emotion that goes along with pregnancy is often overwhelming. She may feel remorse for the incident and is denying herself happiness with you because of it.
My advice is to keep talking to her, be a true friend. She needs to reconnect on an emotional level with you before she can let herself connect with you physically again. It can be a painful process for her.
Good luck
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