A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a student at a university and I'm unusually perplexed about this guy. I met him at my friend's birthday party and we just hit it off; we were drinking buddies the whole night: shots, beer... you name it. We also ended up putting our arms around each other and talking in each other's ears and we even wrestled (yeah, while drunk). And now I've been friends with him ever since! I can't deny the fact that I'm in love with this guy, but I have no idea what his orientation is leaning towards. I've asked around (secretly...) his friends in a casual manner about his past girlfriends and none of them have ever seen him with one. He also doesn't talk about girls nor does he point any of them out when we hang out in groups. I'm very skillful when it comes with computers and I was at his place one day waiting for him to get ready; he went out to take a shower and I opened up his internet to check his stuff (yeah I know, shameful! but i'm kind of desperate) and firefox said "do you want to open up last session?". I admit, I was curious. So I clicked restore and what turned up were a few sites and one that was gaytube/video site. I didn't look at it for more than 5 seconds because his roommates came into the apartment and I had to close all the windows! So now I'm stuck in the middle: is he really gay or is he not? He has zero body behaviors or tone to clue in if he's gay (and neither do I...). I don't want to ruin our relationship as friends because we're really in a great friendship. I don't mind if its one sided forever... just hanging out with him is great, but advancing to the next level would be better. Oh yeah... I forgot to mention. No one knows that I like men, so I have no idea if he thinks I'm straight or not.Eh... what to do.. :/Any advice?
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male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (25 June 2009):
 Hi there,Physical mannerisms are not always indicative of sexual orientation. I’ve known gay men who are more butch than Schwarzenegger, and straight men who could give Jack from “Will and Grace” a run for their Prada.Your friend might just be curious or questioning, or he could be bisexual. Although the question may seem paramount, recognise that at this point it is moot. Whatever he is, he is, and if he wants to tell you then he will in his own time. But for now you need to be honest with him because it is important to you. If your love is true, than it will not go away or be content to linger in this state of limbo. It will grow, and the need to tell him will become stronger.The fact that you don’t want to damage your relationship is clearly important. The way you tell him is the trick. Because you are unsure about his reaction or his own orientation, it is important that you do it in a non-confrontational way that does not put pressure on him to respond. You may want nothing more than to get a response from him right away, but be prepared to wait.I’d suggest, much like mguizera suggested, that you first establish the right atmosphere to have this type of conversation. Try to get the mood light and open while alone with him, and then start off by telling him how much you value your friendship. Then you can tell him that you don’t want to upset him, but you feel that you need to let him know that you’ve started to have more-than-friendly feelings for him. Follow up by letting him know that you don’t expect anything from him in return, but that it was bothering you to keep it bottled up and you just had to say something. Then you can finish off with a bit of humour, maybe something along the lines of, ‘you should be flattered. You’re so hot even guys want you!’ or even a punch in the arm.With that door left open he may find his way toward it in the future, but if not than at least you will have gone through the cathartic experience of confronting your feelings. Keeping them bottled up rarely accomplishes anything more than to compound the frustration.Be prepared to answer whatever questions he may have, such as 'are you gay?'I wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2009): Ha wow, this is somewhat similar to a situation I'm in and just recently posted a question on. I'm in college, no one really knows I'm gay except friends who I've told or people who have heard. I recently just became really good friends with an awesome guy that I met a few months ago who, up until meeting me, was straight and never had feelings for guys. We also met drunk and I liked him a lot from the beginning. I noticed he didn't have a gf and found out that any previous gf's that he did have in high school or college were always very volatile relationships and never lasted for more than 2 months. Needless to say, the subtle signs added up. Although he ended up being confused more than anything. I remember when I first came out to him (he was still "straight" at the time) he sorta freaked out and left but we were both so drunk that I didn't notice or even remember that he freaked out lol. We talked about it the next day and went back to being really good friends again and about a week later he told me that I made him confused about his sexuality. This is still fairly recent but we have grown to really like each other. We talk all the time now and may end even end up dating soon.
But back to you, first off, you have a way stronger piece of evidence than what I had to work with when I was trying to figure this guy out. The gay porn on his computer...there's no denying it when you find something like that. There really isn't any excuse that could be used to cover for that. The drunk moves (talking in each others ear, arm around each other etc), well...truth comes out when you're drunk, plain and simple. Look at me for instance, I didn't plan on telling my future "straight" roomate at the time (yes i am rooming with him next semester by the way haha) that I was gay. I at least wanted to tell him when we were sober. So you guys seemed to have hit it off while drunk. Last clue is his lack of gf's or his indifferent attitude towards girls. This was the biggest clue that I went off of when trying to figure out if my crush was gay/confused. But like I mentioned before, you have a bigger clue, the gay porn on his comp.
Now that we're 99% sure he's gay, next is to figure out your plan of action. While alcohol can sometimes, ruin a great conversation, it makes it way easier to get something off your chest or talk about something taboo. My suggestion is to have a few drinks but don't get too drunk because things could go bad fast. Once you guys are buzzing nicely just be real with him. Just tell him and make it clear that you hope it doesn't affect your friendship with him but this is who you are. Maybe make a joke about it or something too. They key here is confidence. If you seem confident, he'll find it harder to shut you down if he isn't gay or if he has a problem with it. I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how it goes?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): Shellylynne can't believe that you spout what GOD intended. He also intended peace, love thy neibour, thou shall not kill...... wierd how people only remember the man and woman bit.
Now to the problem..... if when out neither of you look for women to chat up then the odds are you are both gay and worrying about what each other thinks. I think i'd look up a gay friendly club and just happen to arrive there with him... or just tell him you value his friendship and feel you cannot hide the truth from him any longer and come out to him. He'll probably be pleased and come out as well.
Good luck be happy.
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A
female
reader, ShellyLynne1995 +, writes (22 June 2009):
 That is a tough situation. In my opinion, if he is intentionally (which he is) searching up homosexual~promoting websites, he most likely is homosexual. It is very good that you two are such good friends, but if I were you, I would keep this to myself. If you really believe that you should come clean with him and risk your friendship, tell him that there is a chance that you are gay (homosexual) and reassure him that it is only a possiblity. Just look for a reaction and listen to what he has to say about the matter. I suggest looking for a girl though, because that is what GOD intended our lifestyle to be like, but we are all given free will. Hope I helped and good luck with the friendship/relationship matter!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2009): Yeah to be honest if he's looking up gay sites and things, he's probably gay! I would just come out of the closet to him, let him know about you - he sounds like a great friend so even if he's straight he won't freak out. Then see where things go. It does sound like he's not entirely straight though to be honest!! Good luck! :-) xx
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