A
female
age
41-50,
*ust a country girl
writes:My boyfriend and I are in our 30's. Up until 2 years ago when we met he'd never had any form of sex, including oral sex. He tried once in high school but couldn't perform. Since the beginning when we began having sex erections have been difficult for him. He loses them easily, right before sex, during sex, even while receiving oral sex. When we have sex he really tries to please me, and he does, though sometimes in ways that aren't from actual penetration.In our 2 years he has only had an orgasm from oral sex twice. From sex he can sometimes have an orgasm in the first 5 minutes (which is a real bummer for me). He usually puts me first though and tries to have real sex. On the occasions where he has an orgasm during sex that's not right away, it often is at the point when I'm very done and have basically stopped responding. The other night I pretty much played dead and put the blanket over my face so he wouldn't see the anger/frustration/disgust on my face. He orgasmed in 2 minutes.He finds me attractive and can be very persistent to take my clothes off so he can look at my body, so this isn't a case of he's uninterested. He says when we have sex sometimes he can't feel anything, or that he thinks too hard, etc. He's a great man and I believe him, but the "playing dead" really makes me feel degraded and used, like he's just using my vagina and that's it. Is it possible that because he's done nothing more than masturbate his whole life that he can't stimulate himself well with another person? That would make sense in the my just laying there because it absolutely feels like he's just masturbating with my vagina. We have talked a lot and had good communication, though I feel like he's holding back on telling me some of his emotions because he's embarassed. I've recently decided that I will end the sexual encounter before I "play dead" because my emotions and feelings of degradation are interfering with my life. Question: is this something that happens when someone spends their whole life experiencing orgasm only by their hand? We believe it'll get better, but it's been 2 years and I'm worried. It is affecting our relationship a lot more than he realizes at this point.
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erection, oral sex, orgasm, vagina Reply to this Question
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female
reader, just a country girl +, writes (16 April 2011):
just a country girl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input everyone, it's really helpful to be able to discuss it with people (in a sense) because these aren't the sorts of things I'd discuss with people since it's such a private issue.I talked with my boyfriend about it again awhile ago and he told me that he had gone to a doctor earlier in our relationship to see if he had health problems and was given sample medications for awhile. That actually was the turning point for me because I realized that he had been trying to do something about it; I bet it was pretty hard for him to go to a doctor and admit that. It also explained to me why there was a period in our relationship where the sex was definitely better, although he didn't consistently have an orgasm he was able to perform much better.I guess the sum total of everything was that I was able to relax more, which helps him relax, and we're taking everything a lot easier. No cure-all by any stretch, but an improvement. Thanks everybody!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): Oh no :(.. Im very sorry to hear this. I believe he may have a confidence here in pleasing you and as a result he's putting pressure on himself and thats causing him to lose erections and have some issues. Men usually will not admit this confidence, no matter how mature they are. I, myself, in the eyes of most people if not women in your country, would see me as sexually pathetic. I kid you not, which is part of why I left. So, now I live in a part of the world where women dont give a f*** what you look like or if you know how to stick it in. For me, this enables confidence in myself knowing that Im just accepted. I think your husband may have a similar issue and if he's withholding his emotions, this isnt healthy as later it may come in anger or resentment or something of that nature. Keep communicating and keep talking to him. He needs some reassurance I feel here and Im very proud of you for your patience on this with him. Best your way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): Whatever "training" he has given his penis over the years, he should be able to retrain things if he stops doing whatever masturbation caused it and starts only having sex with you.
What you describe sounds more like regular erectile dysfunction than bad masturbation conditioning to me. I would look into that.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Well, your description is of some very odd behavior on his part, I think, but your perception may be correct that a lack of previous sexual experience with female partners has negatively affected his sexual performance.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (12 March 2011):
Well. I guess your boyfriend is going through a hard time when it comes to sex. Which is reasonable for someone who's been virgin for 30 years. And I'm pretty sure he's aware of your frustration with sex. Which only makes things worst for him.
Since he looses his erection during sex, I guess (again) that he is having some undesired thoughts which turn him off. It could be anything, but most probably he's having thoughts about you and your past sexual experience. I'm suggesting that because of my own experience and the good deal of threads about that subject here en dearcupid. And that would explain why you think he's holding something back.
If you can't get to know what's bothering him, there is nothing you can do. If he can't talk about this with you, he should get a therapist in order to deal with whatever is going on in his head. Otherwise you will break up, and it will be difficult for him to come back from that.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 March 2011):
 I think after two years, I don't think he is going to get better. It really sounds like he has a self-confidence issue or another physical hang-up (although I tend to think it is the former). Is he afraid of women? Is he an introvert?
It sounds like you really need to determine if this is going to work out for you sexually. After two years, I think this is probably the best its going to get. Will you be satisfied with this or is this going to be a major problem down the road?
You may want to have him medically checked as well. Also, if he is on anti-depressants or other medications, that could impact his sexual function as well. Finally, you may want to see a counselor to see if they can help out.
Good luck.
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