A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So when it comes to sex, my boyfriend and I are still virgins. Yes we've fooled around, but never had penetrative sex as it's always been too painful for me, and I'm afraid it's becoming a problem. We've been together nearly 5 months and have tried 3 or 4 times, but even with lube, it doesn't work. I've been so grateful that he's been patient with me for so long, as I know sexual frustration is a thing, and even when I have to stop him due to the pain and he can tell I'm stressed about it, he tells me it's alright and we cuddle and go back to fooling around.I'm wondering if it's a lack of confidence in the bedroom that may perhaps be making first-time sex so difficult. I've gotten comfortable around my boyfriend but I don't like doing things with the lights on. I don't want to see what's going on, I'd rather experience the feel. (To me sex isn't a necessity and where most people are turned on by a naked body, I am not, I'm more turned on by the physical touch and closeness, which is why I'd rather feel than see) When the lights are on, I just feel exposed and out in the open and immediately lose all confidence because there's nothing for me to hide behind, and I'm afraid seeing me in that moment is going to be unattractive and gross. Plus I get rather tense because half my mind is on what we're doing and the other half is on how uncomfortable/embarrassed I feel. (Again, sex isn't something I'm really open about and I find it to be a very private thing).Unfortunately he's just the opposite, he gets more turned on by seeing what's going on. For now we sort of compromise, when he's pleasuring me, the lights stay off, but when I pleasure him, he turns them on, but at one point I had to use something to blindfold myself because it was the only way for me to block out the light and go back to feeling in the moment. But even when I don't have the blindfold, my eyes stay closed the entire time. This brings me back to the penetrative sex; he has to turn the light on to see what he's doing (getting the condom/lube/lining up right) and I get totally taken out of the moment. I'm thinking about how much it's going to hurt and then the light combined with that just makes me so tense that just the tiniest attempt starts to hurt. I don't know what to do...I'm worried I'm making him lose confidence because this kind of thing comes so naturally to most people the first time. I'm probably making him feel like he's doing something wrong, when it's MY body that won't cooperate.Does anyone have any advice for becoming more comfortable and perhaps making it less painful and/or how I can be more relaxed about it? (I usually refuse to consume alcohol, but I am so tempted to use it just to take the edge off of my nerves and loosen me up a little to make this easier but I don't feel that's the right answer)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2018): .,....also when he puts a condom on it spoils the mood.What you gotta do there is make that part of foreplay.You put it on while licking on him...rubbing on him etc.You make that part fun.Do not see it as a chore.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2018): Sex changes all relationships...be prepared for that.What you should do is go to the gynecologist before having sex.Explain everything like the pain or any other sexual questions about your body you might have.Get on birth control before you have sex.At first for the woman sex can hurt like hell.But in time it gets better and the pain gets less.When you have sex the first time make sure it is with someone you trust to stop when the pain is too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): I agree with the first poster. Take the pressure off. And do this by asking your boyfriend to not expect penetrative sex for a while. Ask him if you can enjoy yourselves playing with each other and bringing each other to climax that way.
A couple of tea lights in the room would really enhance your boyfriend's pleasure. They are ALL about the visual and not seeing you at all I think would me a more difficult situation for him, rather than not having penetrative sex.
So a compromise would be, very dim lights, so he can enjoy himself and non penetrative sex for you, so you can enjoy yourself and see how this works. Hopefully, you will learn to relax with sex and your body and in time, progress.
Do you know what it is that really turns you on? Have you experimented with yourself to see what you like? If he is not turning you on enough, that could be improved. Taking the pressure off orgasm is good too. I had a boyfriend who would get me turned on and then stop whatever he was doing and do something else. He would go back to getting me close to orgasm and stop and play with me in other ways. There was never any pressure, so I always came really easily. Maybe he could try making you cum first? That's very relaxing and you might find that easier. If you're still in the mindset of 'we're both still trying to cum', when he's turning the lights on I can imagine how that would be difficult. You need to relax with each other and play with each other more, taking any pressure off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): I agree with the first poster. Take the pressure off. And do this by asking your boyfriend to not expect penetrative sex for a while. Ask him if you can enjoy yourselves playing with each other and bringing each other to climax that way.A couple of tea lights in the room would really enhance your boyfriend's pleasure. They are ALL about the visual and not seeing you at all I think would me a more difficult situation for him, rather than not having penetrative sex. So a compromise would be, very dim lights, so he can enjoy himself and non penetrative sex for you, so you can enjoy yourself and see how this works. Hopefully, you will learn to relax with sex and your body and in time, progress.Do you know what it is that really turns you on? Have you experimented with yourself to see what you like? If he is not turning you on enough, that could be improved. Taking the pressure off orgasm is good too. I had a boyfriend who would get me turned on and then stop whatever he was doing and do something else. He would go back to getting me close to orgasm and stop and play with me in other ways. There was never any pressure, so I always came really easily. Maybe he could try making you cum first? That's very relaxing and you might find that easier. If you're still in the mindset of 'we're both still trying to cum', when he's turning the lights on I can imagine how that would be difficult. You need to relax with each other and play with each other more, taking any pressure off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2018): Well, I’m just a guy, and I know I’m entering a minefield here, but I’ll wade in with my own personal experience. First, I assume that you’ve ruled out the possibility of any kind of anatomy problem. I’d say there’s not a fellow on earth who wants their girl to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. Guys want the girls to have as much fun as they are. From what you say you’re well past the first time of sexual activity, in reality the two of you are already having sex (sort of). Usually it keeps getting better and better if you keep doing what gives both of you pleasure. This is how my wife got over the hump, so to speak: she lay on top of me, she guided the missile to the target, and she did the pushing but only ever as much as was comfortable and gave her pleasure. We both got blast-off several times along the way and eventually the missile was launched into inner space. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2018): Bless you, I remember how difficult it was when I lost my virginity and your boyfriend sounds very supportive and you seem like you are both compromising.There are some ways you could make it easier in my opinion. Firstly try and take the pressure off for a while, go back to just foreplay and gaining more confidence. He also needs to focus on what really turns you on so that your body will respond as naturally as possible, if you focus on foreplay and the time feels right then try again. But how about buying very small lights that you can put in the room so that the light is a lot dimmer than a main light, or what about small candles so that there is a flicker of light and not full beam? Trust me even if you are comfortable enough having sex it's not something I have ever liked, a bright room that exposes every part of your body, men tend to be different and like to see, so meet in the middle and use small lights or candles to dim it right down. It could be that you are tensing up so much now that you will find it hard to relax, have you looked up advice on how to resolve what could be vaginismus? From what you have wrote you have fears around sex and intimacy so again I have to wonder if some counselling sessions would help you or again just doing your own research around how you feel?You sound very much like you both want to be together and I honestly hope that you have success together. All the best
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