A
male
age
41-50,
*ostandconfused83
writes:Seeking advice on my controling mother. I am 26yr old college graduate with a full time job and my mother still feels the need to run my life. All be the fact she and my step father helped pay for college and other financials during my growing up my mother still feels like she should be able to run my life. She always has negative responces to everything unless its exactly how she whould have done it. Also she really dislikes my current GF and she makes it well known. I feel like WTF, what the F*** point in time do i get to be my own person and choose for me. I also have money in an investment account and by the way my mom is an assistant manager at the bank where all my money is, getting ready to fix that. But i have this investment account that has money for me to buy a house that she was so ready to let me have but now since i have this current GF she all of a sudden says its her money not mine. In fact the money is from back child support and my mom and step dad have money like carters has pills. Trust me money was no object in my house. So its not like she needs the money. Now the i have this GF the money is hers not mine anymore because she was helping pay for my apt. while I finished my last year of college not wanting to live on campus. Im sure it sound like rambleing but I just need to vent and need advice. Also my frustration builds because she runs my grandparents over, they are her parents by the way. Because they accept my GF; she feels that if she does not why should they. My gandpa and grandma love her, but my mom gives shit for it. My mom also used one of my so called friends to get inside info on me and my gfs relationsship. O god damn, i just need to get away like for ever. any advice would be great.
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female
reader, BusDriver +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Control Issue!
Mom is attempting to control you through the child support that she received from your father as you were growing up.
Entitlement Issue!
You feel entitled to the child support that your mother socked away in a bank account!
You say 'money was never an issue' when you were growing up. Lucky you! You had a father that paid his child support as ordered - Luck You again! Your mother was fortunate enough to not have to use the money she received from your father to put food on the table, clothes on your back, wheels in the driveway, roof over your head. Damn, you have a lucky family! Your mother was wise and put the money that she received (from your father)as child support in a bank account. That is her money that was given to her to do as she wished. She obviously had enough funds to raise you and to meet your needs. She was able to put you through college - and pay the added expenses of you living off campus! She has done her job - you are educated, possess an independent mind, are capable of making decisions for yourself - will either reap the rewards for making good decisions or will suffer the consequences for bad decisions....
Your mother probably made a mistake in mentioning to you that the child support she put away could be used to assist you in purchasing a home. That is HER money - the day you start making your own money and pay your own way in life is the day your mother has no say and no control in how you live your life - including who you share your bed with!
Yea, it was blunt - but an honest perception...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): You are certainly not alone with this mother-son problem but the way you handle this now, and I mean right now, will either pave the way for a better future for you or it will support your mothers view of you - that you are mummy's little boy. Your mum has crossed many of your personal boundaries recently and is invading your privacy she basically cannot stand you growing up and is using the 'power' she has to control you and manipulate you and those around you so she gets what she wants. What I am about to suggest is based on the fact that I have been in your girlfriends shoes and then became the mans wife - and still my mother in law showed me utter disrespect and drove a rift between me and my husband it destroyed our marriage and my self esteem. If you care about yourself and your girlfriend you need to change your bank account and keep all your finances private immediately. Any money she thinks she can control you over is not worth having anyway - its dirty money and how would you ever enjoy money that was given to you for emotional blackmail? Make it obvious you don't care about the money and she will have one less thing to have power over you for. For now, forget this additional fund and concentrate on earning your own money and really getting your own independence properly once and for all. Write to your mother and keep it short and to the point - that you will no longer tolerate and accept her undermining your girlfriend who makes you happy and who you love very much. In response to this if she does it any more either get up and leave the room, together as a united front, or leave the house but she needs to see you as a united couple because any cracks and she will be there making them as wide as possible. Finally, somehow you need to get as far away physically from her as you can without isolating yourself from the people that you care about and that care about you. Consider all the practical ways of doing so. Sometimes our parents need a very strong message that we have grown up and they need to respect us as equal adults and that their behaviour is no longer acceptable. You may have to distance yourself quite severely for a while to make your mother see sense and realise she will lose you completely if she carries on controlling you. Give her one chance to change - if not, please for your own sake and your relationships don't let her ruin your life.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 well seems to me like your mum wil never let go that you're still her little boy.
no-one or anything will ever change that or take that away from her.
i mean no girl in her eyes will ever be good enough for you this is probably why she is having a hard time dealing with all of this i mean you're her son and she feels this girl is taking you away from her.
she probably feels threatened and is trying her best to keep you staying with her and not ditch your family.
obviously i am not saying you would but that's not how she sees it.
you just need to talk to her and make sure she knows you're not just going to forget her obviously because she's your mum but that you have to start a new life and new family of your own whenever you feel ready for that kind of thing.
hope this helps
x ilovebowsandcherries x
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