A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half we are 20 years old and are planning to get married in the next two years. The only problem is that we fight a lot, they start off small and turn into huge fights. We have broken up so many times but he always begs for me to go back and for some reason I go back. I love him and I do want this to work out but the fighting has to stop, when we fight I can only see the bad times n the good times dont seem to outweigh the bad but when Im calm and not angry the good outweigh the bad times. He does have a bit of a temper as do I, we are both stubborn and always want to explain our side and we dont give the other person a chance to speak which makes the argument worse to the point of goin to bed angry and resolving it the next day. We always resolve it but the fighting is killing this relationship. I get angry easily because he always says or does something without thinkin and this usually starts a fight. Please help, friends tell me to leave because I keep goin back anf forth but they only see the bad. What do I do? How can we stop or minimize the fightin? We have tried couples therapy which didnt work out n we have tried to apply rules to our fights so that we dont overstep our boundaries and make things worse but when were both angry noone obeys the rules. Help please. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Thanks everyone, we will try having cool down sessions,and practise our breathing and try finding what really is the problem although im not sure if their is an underlying problem because we are very open with each other and we always speak about why were angry and what about. We do want to get married but not because we think the marriage license would do any good, we are deeply in love with each other and plan to get married but won't until we can fix this fighting. Thank you all for your support and suggestions. :D
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 The secret I abide by is deep breaths. If you feel yourself getting wound up and angry you need to consciously stop and take several deep slow breaths. This gives you time to calm down and time to formulate sensible unemotive response to what made you angry. If the deep breaths don't calm you down then you need to state "I'm getting really angry so I'm going for some air to calm down" and then walk out the door and don't go back until you are calm and can have a rational discussion. The more you do this the easier it becomes and you will start to find you don't need to do it so much. He needs to do this too.
Good luck as I say this definately works for me and I have a temper too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): It's interesting that you plan on getting married when you fight so much. Do you think signing a marriage license will make all that go away?
Here's the deal: If couples counseling and putting argument rules in place haven't worked, then you'll have to try harder to follow those rules or try something else, like anger management classes.
Here are some other (free!) guidelines you can try:
1. If you think you're going to get really angry about something, or feel like you're going to lash out, walk away. Take a breather. Consider why you're really mad. Is it a situation he could've controlled? Is it worth arguing about? If the answer is no, just stop.
2. Don't interrupt each other. Period. Nothing makes me more angry than when I'm interrupted when I'm trying to voice my side in a disagreement. If you have to, pass a beach ball back and forth between you. Whoever's holding the beach ball gets to talk.
3. Find an outlet. I've found that writing in my journal about what makes me uncomfortable in my relationship has helped find solutions to problems as well.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Believe me honey I understand my husband and I are the exact same way! We fought...and fought dirty all the time! We had to find the real reasons we were fighting. We would argue over nothing, not really dealing with the issues that were making us mad at each other. If you can NOT do this then I don't believe either of you deserve to stay in this destructive relationship. If you love him and want it to work you have to REALLY think about WHY you two are fighting. WHY are you mad at him? What is REALLY bugging you about him?
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