A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:First and foremost, I please ask you not to judge. I am totally aware snooping is unacceptable, however, when one feels that something is going on... there is sometimes no other option. And please bear with me, the conversation/timeline of events is lengthy. Below are the messages/conversations I found on my bf's phone and FB between him and an old HS crush/acquaintance, and the events of what had happened. I know it had happened sometime ago, however, til this day... I wonder what his true intention were with this other woman. I would love a few perspective. Am I totally overreacting?? Was it completely platonic? Or would you feel the same... betrayed and cheated on? Does he deserve another chance? How do I move forward?Also, at first I took ;) as flirty, but he uses this a lot, to every female (i.e. his sister, cousin, friend's wife). March 29He befriended her on FBJuly 11They met at Starbucks. Believe it was the only time they had met since they reconnected on FB and he said only for about an hour. He asked if she would like to grab a bite since he was hungry, but she declined since she wasn't. They had paid for their own coffees and he said he wore old sweats, t-shirt and flip flops. Him – text 10:54pmI had a great evening.July 12-23There were text exchanges during this period. Similar to messages below. Typical getting to know each other texts, what's your hobbies and etc. Expect the following that stood out to me and from what I could remember. -He replied can't wait for the getting to you know part when she said I don't usually talk that much unless I really know the person.-Have a stress free dayJuly 24She – text 8:43amI don’t have unlimited text and running out of minutes. Only calls after 9pm. Him – FBNo prob… I’ll call you tonight ;)There were a few attempted calls on his part, but they never actually spoke. July 27Him - FB 6:15amHey - No worries... I understand you're a busy girl ;) I'm headed to Germany tomorrow... So let's message thru FB for the time being...But would love to see you again when I return? See ya when I see ya!July 28Her – FB 9:33amHope Germany's cool. Yea, we can kit through facebook until you get back.take care!August 2Him – FB 11:00amHey, it's really nice here. Having a great time... Hope all is well with u :)August 2Her – FB 6:34pmHow's Germany? What are you doing there? Where are you staying?August 3Him – FB 3:18amGreat, mostly been working on the base! But, today I’m heading to Hamburg for the weekend. It's Germany’s version of Vegas. I’m staying on the base and working for the unit as a paralegal.. It’s cool.How are you doing? Anything new?Her – FB 8:58amSo, how does this work? What about your job with HUD? Why are you working there as a paralegal when you were auditing in DC?I'm an auntie! My brother had his first, a daughter, Ellie. She is so pretty and amazing. Other than that, I'm still taking care of business out here for Obama in California.Him – FB 12:44pmI work full-time for HUD and I'm in paralegal for the national guard and sometimes we work overseas. How awesome is that :) very happy for you, I'm sure you'll make an amazing auntie :)August 4Her – FB 9:30amaww, thanks.August 8Him – FB 3:46amWhat's up good looking? How's being a anunt treating you?August 9Her – FB 2:45pmauntie- lovin it. i try to be in the moment whenever i see her.work - pain in the ass. talk about stressed-out.My back's against the wall. Hope this isn't the case for you.what's new.August 11Him – FB 12:18amNice and i hear you! It's just three more months and then you can take it easy and spend more time being a anuntie It will be when i get back home, but for now i'm chilling... going to prague for the weekend Talk to you soon!August 16Her – FB 6:16amHow was Prague? I think it's so fabulous you're bouncing about in Europe. When are you coming back to LA --Him – FB 10:57amIt was amazing! Saturday!August 17Her – FB 10:06amSee you! We'll talk when you're back.August 19Him – FB 11:42am:)August 21Him – FB 6:39pmHey u :)Are you busy tonight? Have time to chill maybe grab a soda, since you dont drink? LOL! I know it's last min, so no worries if you can't :)August 22Her – FB 8:02amoh dude, sorry. just saw this. this week and weekend I am swamped with work. can we check back in next week? Thx, and glad you're back.August 23Him – FB 7:41amnext week then... Thank you!I asked about her. He said she friended him on FB (which I later found to be a lie) and said they met for coffee once. I subtly hinted that they're relationship makes me uncomfortable, but not sure he understood since he continued to communicate with her. September 6Him – FB 6:55pmWhen am I going to see you again?Him – text 7:01pIs it safe to text now?Her – text 8:31p:)Him – text 8:34pIs that a yes?He missed a call her from.September 7-23There was a couple of attempted calls on his part and missed call from her. Only talked on the phone once during this period, for no more than 20 minutes.September 27Him – text 7:49pFree tonight? Small dinner?Her – text 8:07pCan’t working til 10pHim – text 8:17pAfter? If not no worries ;) I know you’re working for the right cause ;)October 2Her – text 11:16aHey sorry. Didn’t get back 2 u. Work! Sorry.Him – text 11:17aNo, worries. ;) hope your day is going well ;)November 6Since their first meet to Election Day, I know he was trying to get himself invited to the election party that she had to work at. He wanted to attend for networking purposes and had even asked if I'd go, multiple times. Also wanted to try and get his coworker an invite too. Him – text 8:46pCongrats! Your hard work paid off;) I’m pouring me a scotch and cheering to you ;)Her – text 9pAwww you’re too sweet. Now we can hang out!Him – text 9:19pYay ;) exciting!November 14Spoke on the phone for about 11 minutes. November 19Him – text 1:54pU free tonight?Her – text 6:23pSorry not tonightNovember 22I confronted him about the messages I found. He confessed he grabbed coffee with her once, texted once in awhile and chatted a couple of times on the phone, but never talked about anything intimate or personal. He said she means nothing, made a mistake in keeping it a secret, flirting and should of talked to me about his concerns. Continued to explain he thought I was unhappy and that I was going to break up with him. This being his first real relationship, he didn't know how to communicate with me, so to escape reconnected with someone from HS that knew nothing about him. He promised to never do anything like this again, to never communicate with her and wants to prove to me he only wants to be with me. He didn't see this as cheating, since it was never physical. But now understand why I think it is. We sort of broke up and he cried for the very first time I've seen. But in the end decided to try and work it out. November 26Her – FB 9:32amI wanted to say I'm sorry I'm hard to meet up with. I'm still working a lot and will probably be doing this through the end of January. I wanted to say this, though: I had a good time the last time we hung out, and am sincere when I say I would like to hang out again. You're easy to get along with and nice company.But because of my work schedule, it's just not easy for me to make plans. So if you could understand, I'll reach out to you when the time is better and if you're available then, we could connect.Thanks and happy holidays.He said he skimmed this message, deleted her from his FB and phone and haven't communicated with her since. Clearly, I'm having a very difficult time putting this behind me. We've had many arguments since then. Although he gets mad that I keep bring the topic up, he's still almost always the one that gives in and comforts me. Think he is trying hard to regain my trust, but I keep getting flashbacks of their interactions. If I am overreacting, how do I move forward with him and start to trust him again?
View related questions:
broke up, co-worker, cousin, crush, facebook, flirt, friend's wife, period, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 What strikes me about their texts is that he keeps/kept trying to meet up with her and she constantly had an excuse. I don't care how much someone works, if you like a person you make time to meet them even just once. With her it was always, too busy, too much work, didn't see your message, too late. She wasn't interested. He was. He never mentioned having a girlfriend, not even in passing. To me that means he wanted something to happen with her. It didn't because she didn't want him to. If she had then he probably would have cheated.
His behaviour is slimy and dishonest. Saying he thought you were going to break up with him is no excuse. He's sorry he was caught trying to cheat. I'm not surprised you're having a hard time getting past this because I don't think he's being honest with you even now.
I would personally break up with him because he's untrustworthy. However, if you do decide to give him a second chance then you have to try to put this behind you and can't keep throwing this in his face, because it's your choice to stay with a would-be cheat. Can you do that? If not then I think it would be better to break up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): If some man acted toward me like your boyfriend I would deffinitely think that heis after me. There wouldn't be any doubt in my mind that he wants to see me romantically. Your boyfriend was looking around. She on another hand sound pretty much disinterested. Doesn't matter how busy she is, she can't be working as much not be able to meet up for coffee. Also I disagree with last poster about your boyfriend going to Prague or Hamburg to look for girls and some sexual experiences. Prague and Hamburg are very old and historical cities, and there is so much going on there besides sexual encounters. These cities are not like Las Vegas where there is not much to do but drink and get laid. I went to both cities and really enjoyed walking streets, going to museums. You don't have to go anywhere to cheat, if your mindis set on it you can find a girl next door to do it with. Also being in your late 20s is far from being VERY young to settle. People at this age already start thinking about having a family. It's really nowadays is an excuse to not settle, which is ok also not to settle. But it just makes me laugh when young especially men call themselves kids at the age of 27.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): I agree with llifton. He was pursing her alright. If she hadn't been so busy with work and not rejected him, he'd be with her right now. You need to find someone better, someone who knows how to act in a proper relationship. He disrespected you, flirted, and lied. The evidence is clear an right in front of you. What are you waiting for?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): I don't think he's a horrible person & he is sorry, but when it comes down to it- he isn't ready to settle down. She had absolutly NO interest in him, while he obviously did. He initiated conversations, wanted to meet up multiple times. He definitely was wanting her attention. She didn't give it to him. I'd also be concerned about him visiting hamburg and Prague- these are two major Vegas like sex capitals in EU- strippers, prostitutes, boys have loads of fun there. He just doesn't sound 100% wanting to be in a committed relationship- he's young, first relationship, he likes girls obviously...who knows maybe he just needed this as a wake up call or maybe he still has a few years to mature...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2013):
 It's hard reading people's texts/IM's back and forth when you don't really know them, however I would like to point out a few things I noticed.
1. she calls him DUDE - I think that is not something you would call someone you have the hots for - no matter where you live. Dude is rather "friend-zone" what's up doc? kind of nickname.
So from HER end I didn't see her TRYING overly hard to be anything but friendly. And if she works in "public relations" that is not really strange.
EXCEPT her last statement.. I'll reach out to YOU when I can and if YOU are available..blah blah.. that seems more like she is aware that there is a GF and she doesn't want to step on toes... which means, she is also aware that he has some kind of feelings for her, if nothing more then she reminds him of happy HS times.
YOU BF on the other hand seem VERY adamant about meeting up and spending time together. Dinner/drinks (soda/coffee) it could be it's just nice to have a familiar face to chat to, but in my book I think when a guy PURSUE a woman - like he is pursuing HER - he is INTERESTED in spending time with her (over you) and that may not be cheating but the beginning of alienating affections and spending less time with you. So not a great thing. Is your BF usually a social person? You said he likes to network, so maybe he not only saw a familiar face but a NETWORK opportunity. My husband's job was VERY reliant on networking. People would often go straight to him "passing" over many other people that "could" have helped them, because they KNEW that he could get it done and done right. He has ALWAYS been the VERY social person (compared to me) and he STILL (after his retirement) maintain his networking. I think it's honestly in his blood.
I think YOU and your bf needs to sit down and have a chat about lying and WHAT is OK and what is NOT OK in your relationship when it comes to people of the opposite gender.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (25 July 2013):
 you're boyfriend is being shady and pursuing this girl and she keeps rejecting him. that's my perspective. i'd dump him asap.
...............................
|
