A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am just wondering what are normal emotions to go through when breaking up?My husband and I have been together for 12 years, with 2 children. Now we are seperating and I want it but I also want him to stay. Is this normal?Im very confused and scared. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): Confused? Scared? Not knowing exactly what you want? Feeling lost and dazed? Sounds like divorce to me! And by 'divorce', I mean one of the scariest, most confusing, most upsetting experiences you can go through...
The best advice I can give, as someone who got out of a 16 year relationship a couple of years ago is: don't beat yourself up about how you feel. Everyone reacts differently at different points. Accept that you will have good days and bad days. On good days you'll feel strong and upbeat. On bad days, you'll barely feel human. Expect a maelstrom of emotions, which won't always be rational or consistent.
Feeling that you want to separate, but that you also want to stay, is common. You've been together 12 years after all! In many ways, the difficult thing about divorce (where it's by mutual agreement) is not letting go of the relationship - it's letting go of the little things. Most of the time, when people reach this point, they know the dynamic between them isn't working, and that they need to separate for their mutual benefit. But underneath that, there are still all the habits, the patterns of life, the rhythm of childcare that you are used to. Unlearning those, letting them go, and finding new patterns and ways of being can feel like you're abandoning everything you know. It is a tremendously scary thing to do, and it takes a lot of bravery! Remember, however, that it's only by going through this that you can build a better life in future.
Realize that you can't and won't make giant leaps forward, but that there is something triumphant and even heroic about the ability to keep putting one foot in front of the other, making small incremental progress until you suddenly look back and realize that you have walked out of the divorce into a new life. Counselling helps. Talking to other people in support groups, or friends in a similar situation, helps. But most of all, time helps.
Hang in there. It's tough, but it WILL work out, and you'll be better off in the long run. I had a terrible time separating from my ex, who was horribly abusive in every way, but have found a wonderful new man now who is everything I ever dreamt of and more. I don't regret the pain of the divorce in the slightest - nowadays, I regret that I didn't do it sooner, because I wasted so many years being miserable in a relationship that didn't work! I hope the same new dawn will come for you. Message me if you want to chat some more. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): Have you been for any counselling at all?
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