A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am currently at uni and have met a lovely young woman and we have been going out for just over 3 months, at the start everything was great, i though I loved her and she said she felt the same way. We live in the same house so the realtinship has moved fast and emotionally we are now very attached and I would say she is my best friend. We get along great, have a superb laugh, a lot of respect for each other, and we are honest and i completely trust her,shes intelligent, we have similar hobbies, interests etc and talk to each other about everything.. However, the burning in my chest for her has gone over the last couple of weeks, and Im not sure what i want or if I still love her. I want to love her as she seems to be my perfect woman, she has already told me i am the one for her. I am so confused as I want to love her, but not sure if i do. some days i do and others times im with her wondering if i should be in the relationship. i really dont know what to do and my head is spinning and i wouldnt want to hurt her and this is getting me so down at the moment. btu sometimes im with her and all my problems just disappear.sorry for the really long message and droning on, but any help, advice, or thoughts from people would be really appreciated!regards.
View related questions:
best friend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): It just sounds like things are just moving too fast and so this relationship is no longer as interesting to you anymore. You both became too comfortable too quickly. I mean you both live in the same house. I am sure you are always together. Your lives together may have become routine. You feel too safe in this relationship and, like any normal human being, you desire more mystery, spontaneity, and more of a challenge. And that is precisely what keeps your heart burning up. You say you "want" to love her but the reality is that love should never be that hard. Obviously there is still a part of you that loves her or at least cares about her. I mean technically she hasn't done anything "wrong" and that's probably why you feel shitty about feeling this way.But look, I have been in your position, especially at your age, where I have gotten tired of guys who have done nothing wrong and who at one point seemed perfect. Looking back on it now, I realise that I felt that way for a couple reasons. For one, it was just bad timing due to lack of maturity on my part. At that point in my life (around your age) I was inexperienced, immature, not as intuitive and possibly just not ready to be in a relationship. I needed to date guys and have fun and figure out who I was before I felt ready to commit to something like that. So definitely timing was a huge factor. And secondly, looking back, I just realised that the person I thought I loved was truly just not the one. In fact I had many relationships before I actually truly fell in love when I was 24. Before that I thought I had fallen in-love a couple times, but when I really did fall in-love, I knew right then that all my previous relationships were not even close to what love is. So I see a couple of possibilities going on here. It seems like it could either be very bad timing for you to have met her and/or she just really isn't "the one" for you. I suspect its a combination of both these things. I don't know what to tell you cause I know that you are confused and you don't want to hurt her. I am not going to suggest that you break up with her only because life has a way of unfolding where things often just fall into their place. But you sound like a bright kid and I am sure you will figure it out just fine. With or without her, everything is going to work itself out, you'll see. Nobody said life was easy but I know that you WILL figure it out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): First off congratulations finding your perfect woman.
Now let's get something straight, there is no perfect woman...she is a human being with faults of her own and you have been blinded by hormones and infatuation and sexual attraction which is what the beginning of all romantic relationships look like. You can't possibly sustain that level of intensity forever, there are distinct stages to relationships and love....you sound to me like you are in pre-attachment stage and you are just simply freaking out, and you need to take a breather and get some space so you can calm down and feel less dependent on her, am I right?
One quick way to ruin a new relationship (as they are very delicate and fragile at this stage) is to spend all of your time together and living together right now is just not going to work! Can one of you move out and live somewhere else? It sounds like you all started out as roommates, and unless you want to end up there again, move out!
Anyway, when you move into Attachment after Infatuation wears off, you relationship can become more real, the masks are off and you are really getting to know the real person that you have put up there on that proverbial pedestal, so don't think that this means that she is the wrong girl. Unless she violates one of your gotta have this in a woman list (surely you have made out your list of non-negotiables when it comes to women and relatonships, no? then take the time to write one and be very specific, no one will see it but you) she is not the wrong person.
Attachment is calmer and less intense but is very sweet, just hang in there and you will see....give it some time and you will know....
http://www.innerworkspublishing.com/news/vol1/3stages.htm
http://www.tparents.org/Library/Unification/Talks/Panzer/panzer_sex_2.htm
...............................
A
female
reader, Ele  +, writes (25 January 2008):
You moved way too fast. Try being friends first and leave the soulmate stuff for now. You experienced the honeymoon phase of a relationship and now the hormone rush has stopped. Can you really say someone is your best friend after 3 months? You can't know her that well.I would say you weren't in love with her at all. It was lust. Love takes time to develop. Stop with the grand declarations of "you're the one!". Take it a bit more casually and real love might develop.
...............................
|
