A
female
age
41-50,
*llshades
writes:Hi. If you are familiar with 'shades of blue', I am his wife. Bear with me-I'm new at this. So I have been married for 12 yrs. I have 5 kids that I stay home with. I always wanted lots of kids and to be just a mommy. I adore my children and cannot imagine life without them. Lately, I have been looking for more out of life. See, I was 19 when I got married. And I have not had sex with any other man besides my husband. I feel like I missed out on the single life and just having fun. Recently, long story short, I met up with a guy from high school. My husband was cool with it-even cool with me having sex with him. Or so I thought. I ended up not having sex with him(he didn"t want to) and was a bit hurt that I was not sexy or pretty enough. After this escapade, and also with my husband's permission, I met a guy at his hotel to have sex with him. That also didn't go as planned. He got so worked up that he came very quickly and it was over. Now my husband is so hurt and upset. I think I am looking for some kind of validation from other men. My husband has to tell me that I'm pretty, right? He's married to me. Now, I am afraid that I have messed up very badly and concerned that my husband will end up leaving me. Then what will I do? What do I do now? What do I say? I have no one to talk to about this. I have so much more to say but let's start with this. I feel like I'm slowly disappearing. Help! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): The problem with getting married and having kids so young is that you go straight from being a child to someone's mom, or wife. You never get that in between stage when you figure out who you are, outside of your relationships to others, outside of your roles as mother or wife.
Now that you are older and have tapped out your life as mom and wife, you feel some regret. But the problem is that what you are looking for with these other men is not sex. How could it be so simple as that? All you do is sleep with another man, then boom! curiosity satisfied and then you can return, safe and sound, to your hubby? What were you expecting would happen after that?
Now is the time to get really REALLY honest with yourself. If you feel like your life right now is small and that you are disappearing, it's probably because you are. You have confined yourself to a very narrow set of life experiences, and have now realised that you need more. But perhaps you have gone about it the wrong way. Having 10 guys who think you are fabulous and compliment you and make you feel sexy will not help in the long term. You are just solving the problem using the same thinking that got you in this mess the first time round!!
Instead of looking to other men to fix up the emptiness you're feeling right now, why don't you take a little ownership and ask *yourself* why you feel so empty. Do you have low self esteem? Do you need someone to continually say you are pretty for you to believe it? Do you have other "skills" besides mom and wife?
You have asked a very difficult thing of your husband. He obliged, but now you see that he is not at all comfortable with you sleeping with other men. And why should he? It is not up to him to make sure that you develop as a human being and reach your own personal potential. ITS UP TO YOU. Now you can't go back.
I would put an end to this idea of you finding fulfillment outside of the marriage. If your husband isn't doing it for you anymore, leave. Have some integrity to explore your new sexual interests without tagging him along. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for the choices you make. Who knows, perhaps leaving you will be the best thing your husband ever did for you?
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