A
female
age
30-35,
*ncunabulum
writes:Hey, I'm new to this. First post. Before I start I guess I should give some background on my situation. For the last 8 years of my life I've lived with my mother, who has untreated mental problem, we think it's bipolar personality disorder/depression. I can't begin to explain what living in that place is like. I was physically and verbally abused since I was about 7, which is when I primarily started living with my mom. I am now 15. We were encouraged to suppress our feeling, I became an introvert, I was never approved of, always made fun of. My grandmother was also sexually inappropriate with me when I was younger. During this time I was also cutting my arms. However, about 2 years ago, after years in court, my dad got sole custody of us- he was a total stranger.I've had this teacher two years ago, right after I got out of this difficult family situation, which included Parental Alienation Syndrome, and went to go live with my dad. After spending a week in California for deprogramming, I came back to school, new semester. I felt like a different person, like I was free. The depression was gone. You have to understand that when I met this guy (the art teacher, let's call him G), he just completely accepted me for me, encouraged me... at that point, no one had ever done that for me. He made me feel good about being me, like I was something good, valuable. Despite his tough/unconcerned/nonchalant demeanor around most people, he seemed to be extra sensitive and concerned around me. I guess this is the problem.I was deprived of care for such a long time (the family situation) that when someone came along and did something relatively normal (being concerned about my general well being) I took it too personally. I became infatuated, craving being around him. All I could think about was him... there was no one quite like him. Also, you should know I'm... different, I guess. I don't know this by analyzing myself objectively, I know it by how people act around me. Dad says it's because they're intimidated. I do know that people don't understand what I'm saying half the time, and I was ashamed of that. But G,for the first time made it feel ok to use foreign concepts, to be abstract, to go out there. I was in love with this freedom, the perspective he gave me.Anyways, I told myself when the semester was done that I'd never take his classes again and be done with it. However, the following semester I found myself in some difficulty with another teacher(who teaches in my art program), and I felt the only person who would understand would be G. So we spent a couple of afternoons after school together, about 2 hours each, just talking about stuff. When I went the first time and he saw me standing at the door, this look of... I don't know, worry, or extreme concern, or pain, or Something crossed his face. And he told me to quit the art program and take his classes. So I'm taking all of his classes. I don't know if this is a bad idea.Anyways, he;s the only person I know that I can resonate with, and he seems to have this really vulnerable soft spot he exposes, I think. I searched him on Google, follow the websites he's on... I even dream about him. Alot.And I don't even know if I'm perceiving any of this clearly, but I have this really odd feeling that other teachers/staff know about this connection I/we have.I'm worried he knows how I feel about him, and is uncomfortable with it, or he'll reject me. I'm taking both of his classes in the upcoming year. This prospect of being in his class again has caused me Extreme anxiety.This is so weird.Please help. I have no Idea what to do.Is there something really wrong and needy with me?I sometimes think of myself as being somewhat mentally disabled when it comes to perceiving the actuality of these types of circumstances- I rely very heavily on external sources to decode. I do know also that I probably feel and think too much.You should know that I can't relate to most people my age, half the time nobody understands what I'm saying. When people chat about Jersey Shore, I like talking about philosophy, existentialism, anything thought-provoking. They all seem so closed minded. I don't think anyone knows me better than this teacher, except for maybe my past therapist, my dad, and my best friend. If I have this... connection with him, this understanding, isn't that rare? I know that nobody I know has this type of relationship with their teachers. But is it inappropriate? We chat sometimes. He said my self portrait was beautiful. He thinks I'm going to be somebody, understands and supports me. He also said that he's "seen me around", and that I "look miserable", then alluded to the fact I should tale his classes, and that he would let me do anything I wanted in them. I've talked with other people, and they've said that he wants this closer relationship with me, judging by the fact he asked me to attend his classes. I wrote him an email once, after finishing his class, thinking I'd never talk to him again. I thanked him for seeing the potential in me when I didn't. He said, "This is not an end but a beginning. I WILL see you around!". You're right, he's very human. But the way he presents himself, is not really in the manner of a teacher, but like a friend.I'm still really confused. He makes me see something in myself that I couldn't before... gives me a different perspective on me, that I was blind to before. Yet on the flip side, I worry he won't want me in his classes anymore, somehow.You speak of this type of self-assurance that comes from within. But how is it possible to believe in yourself, if others had not also believed in you at one point? I don't know. Where can I find this security, self confidence without relying on other people?He understands me, he said that I was like him. He cares, he's funny, smart. I cannot begin to describe the enormity of how important he is, how grateful I am to him. I think it might be this emotional intensity that I found out of place in contrast to other people's relationships with teachers. I think he might know this. But he keeps his boundaries, I noticed. I felt I grew when I was in his class. I distinctly remember feeling safe. Safe to be me. Is it worth giving this up? The prospect of being in his class gives me hope. Hope when things seem desolate, when the world seems bland. Is it that this odd feeling I get is him restraining himself?I just wish I knew what he was thinking.I can't think clearly.P.S anyone reading this considering replying, please be as bluntly honest as you possibly can.Thank you.
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female
reader, Incunabulum +, writes (22 August 2010):
Incunabulum is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply, Western. It always helps me to get third party opinions on these things, I can't seem to see anything clearly anymore. He's actually married with a kid, 15 years older than me. I want to be friends, but I'm worried that he's just a well-meaning adult who doesn't know what to do with someone like me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): Sweet 3 it seems like you are trying to compensate for your bad childhood with your teacher. I am happy that you got someone to lean on with your teacher and think you should keep talking to him if it makes you feel better, but I think at most he can be your bestfriend. I really do not want your teacher to get into trouble for being inappropriate with a student and your age of around 16-17 (according to site) I do not think you should have anything more than friendship and if your teacher tries to make it anything more I think you should get a new teacher. I also think maybe you should talk to someone about your mother and being given away to a practical stranger. I'm not a professional though and I'm only around 15 but I wish you the best. ;)
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A
male
reader, Western3589  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 You are a real amazing spirit, your opinion and details described here are those genuine of a true philospher. The way you talk about this man is extravagant, you adore him, he cares about you, he understands you, that means he knows how much him understanding you means to you. How old are you? How old is he? Is he married or have a relationship? Do you want a reletionship or a best friend? Ask yourself this.
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