A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:(sorry if this is long but I really need to explain everything because I need the help a lot)I'm looking for advice on something that's been the centre of my attention for quite a few months now.I met a female friend through MSN in April/May 2009. We were really compatible and our relationship got progressively stronger and closer. A few months into this we both announced we sort of had feelings for each other (they were eradicated when we each introduced friends of the opposite sex). I'm rather ashamed to say that I absolutely fell for this girl even though I only knew her through an instant messsenger, we didn't even speak on the telephone. I did see pictures of her, and I found her absolutely beautiful, which enhanced my feelings for her. They were edited though, I'll explain this in a moment. It was a strange and crazy sort of attraction that made me feel fantastic inside.In February this year, we decided to meet up in real life. Bear in mind, this was 10 months after we first met "online". The pictures I saw of her were edited, as aforementioned. They were black and white, and you could only see her face and hair. These pictures gave me a good idea of her appearance, however. I was confident I was meeting a very attractive person. We were still close friends at this stage.Anyway, when we met up, I discovered that she beared no resemblence to the person I met on MSN. I was heartbroken but said nothing to her because I felt guilty about my first impressions and didn't want to lose someone who meant so much to me. She wasn't particularly ugly, she just didn't look anything like the person I had met. I spent the rest of the next day crying - this ordeal seriously upset me and I can still cry nowadays when I think about it. I felt like I was in love with someone who did not and cannot exist.Because I was so in love with this person I thought I knew, I decided to stick by the girl and we've continued to get stronger to this day. However, the thought of what happened still seriously upsets me and I'm scared that I've fallen in love with someone who IS her, but who isn't her at the same time.She means the world to me and we have a really close relationship - I tell her every day how much she means to me.Yesterday she suggested starting a relationship together. I didn't know how to respond so I simply said we should discuss it another time when we're not half asleep. I do want to, so much, but I constantly get upset about the past. I want to hold her and kiss her so much, all the time, I just don't know if it's in our best interest to become an item. I can't bear the thought of her with another guy - that would kill me. May also be important to point out that I enjoy the freedoms of being single - this is also something that is bothering me. But I think I'm still in love with her and want to progress our friendship to something more :sI'm so confused. I feel awful but fantastic at the same time. Sorry if this story sounds so remote. We have a rather complex relationship.Thanks in advance for any help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): i think you should talk to her about your issues. if your love is genuine then right, you will love her more than her looks. either ways, all the best with you both and God bless.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): In addition to the previous answers, I would like to add that from my PERSONAL experience, due to the fact that it's you brain parsing and imagining whatever you read from that chat window/email in your own voice as becoming a perfect picture you will be drawing over the time of that person, and also when you are not face-to-face and you don't see the facial expressions of that person then you can be more daring to say whatever you want (feels like you are actually with yourself only) because in real-life it can be more difficult sometimes to say these things as quick as that, so I can describe this experience as being psychologically equivalent to falling in love with the best part of yourself because you have imagined that person as being it, so it is normal, this thing can fool us all, been there done that, though you can use all this affection and love as a a bonus factor if you were to consider a real life relation.
I met my wife online first and we chatted (text/voice) for some time and then we met in person to find she was an amazing person, but not exactly as I imagined, maybe better but still not matching the imaginations because they are kinda mental illusions and I realize that already, so we got married and we are so in love and happy, though I still have some other friends I met online and we are having chats every now and then and I can have some feelings for them sometimes but I realize that these are not 100% true feelings for that person per se.
My advice to a fellow-chat-person, meet with her as often as you can, focus on that person-to-person part, if it worked then great, if it doesn't then you can stay as good friends or break up.
Hope this will help!
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A
female
reader, DateDish  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Oh boy... you really need to look at this from both sides...Yes, she lied by editing her pictures, but I'm sure she did this out of self-consciousnes. Obviously after talking to you online for some time, she decided you were worth the risk of embarrassment, etc... Online daters have done much worse!On your side, you're sounding really superficial and pretty immature. I'm not sure if you're ready for a relationship with anyone right now. If you really love this person, you must inherently trust her. If you don't, that's not love. It is codependence and you need to examine that carefully.If you truly feel betrayed by her and you can't get over it, do both of you a favour... man up and walk away. Tell her why honestly and with integrity so she can learn from her mistakes and move on as well.If you are actually just put out because she isn't as hot as you had thought... man up and walk away and tell her honestly and with integrity that while your online chemistry is cool, your offline chemistry just isn't there. Nothing either of you can do about it.If you really love her and want to be with her, let go of your fixation of the superficial and of something she did out of her own insecurities. Accept her insignificant mistake and remember that you aren't perfect either!
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 if u do have a relationship,how often will u be able to see her? thats what u need to focus on. all the other stuff is B.S
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A
male
reader, Lupus +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Looks shouldnt matter if you love her that much. You said she isnt ugly but ask her about that picture, just say your confused about it. Follow your heart mate and make it work if your so afraid of her getting with another guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Unless you can get over your concerns about the past, I really doubt you can have a successful relationship. The best relationships are based on honesty and trust. She hasn't been honest and has betrayed your trust.
Have you sat down and discussed the reasons why she edited the pictures? I think it's something you need to talk through with her.
Also, and I don't want this to sound patronising, I think you need to meet up a few times before deciding to get in a relationship. Online relationships can work, but equally people have a lot of time to think about their responses and don't necessarily give their natural responses.
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