A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice. I am a married 24 year old with 2 very young children. I got married at 21 and had my first child at 21. I made the decision to have children early because of medical problems and my doctor saying if I do not have children now I will probably never be able to. This was devastating to me because I always wanted to be a mother. So I made the choice to get married to my boyfriend (I had been with him since I was 17) and have children. Here I am 6 years later with my two beautiful children, and I am unhappy. I am so thankful for my children and having such a great husband and provider, however I have changed so much since I first started dating him. I was 17 and he was 26. I feel like a completely different person. My husband use to really hurt me verbally when I was younger. I felt like I lost myself for a few years because I didnt know who I was. I was so confused on who I should be as a wife and mother rather than my true self. Now at 24 I feel like I finally got a hold of myself and realized the person I married is not the right person for me. I also realized who I am. We are complete opposites now, different interests and priorities. I just dont feel that love for him anymore, and to be honest I am still not sure I ever really loved him. I think I may have just married him because of my situation and I knew he was a good person and wanted children as much as I did. He still is a good father and provider, however I dont feel like he gives me what I need emotionally. We have had many conversations about this and I have been honest with my feelings. He just says Im going through a "stage" and I need to get over it because I married him. He doesn't understand how I don't love him anymore. He says he knows I was young, but I made that decision and now its too late. So now what do I do? I feel like I am not making the decision for myself I am making it for my children and husband. I do not want to hurt my husband either. If it was just us two, I would of left him a long time ago. I am just so confused and do not know what the right decision is. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): You owe it to yourself and your family to give your marriage some professional help (marriage counselor) before you decide to give up on making it work.
Try skimming a little through
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html
and looking at the section on "Emotional Needs" too.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 Are you a full time housewife ?
Maybe , you may need to change your environment abit by
going out to work , having friends and having some private
moments for yourself so that you won't feel the drudgery of
being a full time housekeeper and child minder.
Do you have ladies night outs , so that you can relax and
chat with your friends to get away from the humdrum of the daily life ?
It is like recharging your batteries .
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (23 May 2008):
Here is an inspirational story for you...
The Burden
“Why was my burden so heavy?” I slammed the
bedroom door and leaned against it.
Is there no rest from this life?I wondered.
I stumbled to my bed and dropped onto it,
pressing my pillow around my ears to shut out the noise of my existence.
“Oh God,” I cried, “let me sleep.
Let me sleep forever and never wake up!”
With a deep sob I tried to will myself into oblivion,
then welcomed the blackness that came over me.
Light surrounded me as I regained consciousness.
I focused on its source:
The figure of a man standing before a cross.
“My child,” the person asked,
“why did you want to come to Me before I am ready to call you?”
“Lord, I’m sorry. It’s just that… I can’t go on.
You see how hard it is for me.
Look at this awful burden on my back.
I simply can’t carry it anymore.”
“But haven’t I told you to cast all of your
burdens upon Me, because I care for you?
My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.”
“I knew You would say that.
But why does mine have to be so heavy?”
“My child, everyone in the world has a burden.
Perhaps you would like to try a different one?”
“I can do that?” He pointed to several
burdens lying at His feet.
“You may try any of these.”
All of them seemed to be of equal size.
But each was labeled with a name.
“There’s Joan’s,” I said.
Joan was married to a wealthy businessman.
She lived in a sprawling estate and dressed her three daughters in the prettiest designer clothes.
Sometimes she drove me to church in her Cadillac when my car was broken.
“Let me try that one.” How difficult could her burden be?
I thought. The Lord removed my burden and placed Joan’s on my shoulders.
I sank to my knees beneath its weight.
“Take it off!” I said. “What makes it so heavy?”
“Look inside.” I untied the straps and opened the top.
Inside was a figure of her Mother-in-law, and when I lifted it out, it began to speak.
“Joan, you’ll never be good enough for my son,” it began. “He never should have married you.
You’re a terrible mother to my grandchildren…”
I quickly placed the figure back in the pack and withdrew another. It was Donna, Joan’s youngest daughter.
Her head was bandaged from the surgery that had failed to resolve her epilepsy.
A third figure was Joan’s brother.
Addicted to drugs, he had been convicted of killing a police officer.
“I see why her burden is so heavy, Lord.
But she’s always smiling and helping others.
I didn’t realize…”
“Would you like to try another?” He asked quietly.
I tested several. Paula’s felt heavy:
She was raising four small boys without a father.
Debra’s did too: A childhood of sexual abuse and a marriage of emotional abuse.
When I came to Ruth’s burden, I didn’t even try.
I knew that inside I would find arthritis, old
age, a demanding full-time job, and a beloved husband in a nursing home.
“They’re all too heavy, Lord,” I said. “Give back my own.” As I lifted the familiar load once again, it seemed much lighter than the others.
“Lets look inside” He said.
I turned away, holding it close. “That’s not a
good idea,” I said.
“Why?” “There’s a lot of junk in there.”
“Let Me see.”
The gentle thunder of His voice compelled me. I
opened my burden. He pulled out a brick.”Tell
me about this one.”
“Lord, You know. It’s money. I know we don’t
suffer like people in some countries or even the
homeless here in America.
But we have no insurance,and when the kids get sick,
we can’t always take them to the doctor.
They’ve never been to a dentist.
And I’m tired of dressing them in hand-me-downs.”
“My child, I will supply all of your needs… and
your children’s.
I’ve given them healthy bodies.
I will teach them that expensive clothing doesn’t make a person valuable in My sight.”
Then He lifted out the figure of a small boy. “And this?”
He asked.”Andrew…” I hung my head, ashamed to call my son a burden.
“But, Lord, he’s hyperactive.
He’s not quiet like the other two. He makes me so
tired. He’s always getting hurt, and someone is bound to think I abuse him. I yell at him all the time.
Someday I may really hurt him…”
“My child,” He said, “If you trust Me, I will renew your strength, if you allow Me to fill you with My Spirit,
I will give you patience.”
Then He took some pebbles from my burden.
“Yes, Lord,” I said with a sigh. “Those are small. But they’re important.
I hate my hair. It’s thin, and I can’t make it look nice.
I can’t afford to go to the beauty shop.
I m overweight and can’t stay on a diet.
I hate all my clothes.
I hate the way I look!”
“My child, people look at your outward appearance,
but I look at your heart.
By My Spirit you can gain self-control to lose weight.
But your beauty should not come from outward appearance.
Instead, it should come from your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in My sight.”
My burden now seemed lighter than before.
“I guess I can handle it now,” I said.
”There is more,” he said. “Hand Me that last brick.”
“Oh,You don’t have to take that. I can handle it.
“My child, give it to Me.” Again His voice
compelled me. He reached out His hand, and for the first time I saw the ugly wound.
“But, Lord,this brick is so awful, so nasty, so….Lord!
What happened to our hands? They’re so scarred!”
No longer focused on my burden,
I looked for the first time into His face.
In His brow were ragged scars-as
though someone had pressed thorns into His flesh.
“Lord, I whispered. “What happened to You?”
His loving eyes reached into my soul.
“My child, you know. Hand Me the brick.
It belongs to Me. I bought it.”
“How?” “With My blood.”
“But why, Lord?” “Because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Give it to Me.”
I placed the filthy brick into His wounded palm.
It contained all the dirt and evil of my
life: my pride, my selfishness, the depression that constantly tormented me.
He turned to the cross and hurled my brick into the pool of blood at its base. It hardly made a ripple.
“Now, My child, you need to go back. I will be with you always. When you are troubled, call to Me and I will help you and show you things you cannot imagine now.”
“Yes, Lord, I will call on You.”
I reached to pick up my burden.
“You may leave that here if you wish.
You see all these burdens? They are the ones that
others have left at My feet. Joan’s, Paula’s,
Debra’s, Ruth’s….
When you leave your burden here, I carry it with you. Remember, My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
As I placed my burden with Him, the light began to fade. Yet I heard Him whisper,
“I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”
A peace flooded my soul.
Credit to this unknown author.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): I know you feeling cold and dead inside, and I know your frightened at how quickly it went so bad.
Your dealing with a bunch of romantics here, and we're trying to wrangle a happy ever after situation for you. Only you can know if you've had enough or not. We're just hoping you both got enough in you to give it one last try, just to make sure....
Probably not fair to you.... But we don't know what else to say so this can turn out best. Take care of you, we're thinking of you and wishing your family well.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (23 May 2008):
Perhaps a trial separation would make you see things clearly
whether you are still suitable for each other .
When you are without each other , you will realize the worth
of the other person and may make you appreciate them more and work towards a common goal.
It seems that you have too many brick walls between you two
and you need to take them down.
This is only a suggestion.
For further readings;-
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2006/janfeb/14.46.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): If your willing to try relationship counselling (Relate in the UK) will help. You've got into a habit of fighting, and tearing one another and heaping one resentment on top of another to hurt one another with. Relationship counsellors will help you to talk to each other in a more usefull manner.
If your relationship breaks down then they are also useful in helping you leave the relationship in the least destructive manner. You don't need to go with your husband, (if he refuses) it would still be helpful for you to go alone and talk over some of your feelings with somebody that can help you make sense of things.
How long should this take... well set yourself a deadline, and define what it would take for you to see signs of the relationship changing for the better. You need to tell him what your doing, so he at least knows how serious you are about this and develop an attitude of change that might make you seriously consider staying with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I am taking everything into consideration. I have been thinking about this for a while, but do not want to make a move without thinking it through. My concern is how long do I wait? How many more arguments and fights? I do not want to get to the point where we hate each other. And to those of you who have told me to bring back the romance, go on dates... Every time we DO go out, we end up fighting at some point. We always disagree on something. Whether its with the kids as a family outing or just a date or at home. Always fighting or disagreeing on something. I just feel cold inside at this point and do not know what to do. I feel just numb inside. Please keep responding I need all the advice I can get. Thank you so much
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): I'm sorry you feel like this and I'm glad you decided to post. I hope that other young girls can listen to your story and learn from your experience... Things change and people change, this is a fact we know...
You have a great husband/father and some wonderfull children, but your not happy becuase you have changed and matured and are now interested in different things in life. You don't want your husband and wish to get out of your marriage. You think you can find happiness elsewhere. Your husband believes that marriage should be forever and dosen't wish you to go. Petty resentments have built up between you over the years.
No one can tell you what to do. It's your call and you should be aware of the difficulties and consequences that will occur, no matter what you choose to do. Life is a gamble, a risk, you make a choice and live with the consequences and changes it will bring. No matter what you do, in this situation, somebody will get hurt. You can do nothing about this, except to be kind, considerate and thoughtfull, no matter what you do.
Before you make your final decision, either to stay or go I would urge you to talk to your husband about the unhappiness you must both obviously feel. See if you can work together to recover some of the magic that drew you to him in the first place. Or at least friendship so you can work together for your chidren, no matter what. Find out if you could build a life that could bring happiness (if not love) to you both. Then you need to make your decision about what is right for you and your family to bring more happiness to everybody involved, and act accordingly.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 May 2008):
What is lacking in your marriage is the absence of romance.
It flew out off the window.
Life for him is like a continuous grinding attrition with
increased responsibilities, with bills to be paid and more mouths to be fed.
It is no more a carefree life.
It can take a toll on him and put romance in the back seats.
Every family goes though that phase after the honeymoon years.
It will settle into a dull routine or into a deep rut,
with each doing their own things or separate ways.
You need to do things together often or take a romantic holiday to work at and maintain your relationship.
Every relationship need to be maintained and repaired.
It can be hard work.
He may not be a catalyst for change but you could move
things and change and reinvent and bring back the romantic
feelings of those days when you first met.
Look at him from the eyes of another woman and see the strong points in him.
Do not take him for granted.
You should stay on and fight to improve the situation in your marriage.
The grass is not always greener on the other side.
Count your blessings!
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A
female
reader, shellycammon +, writes (21 May 2008):
your husband sounds like he is emotionally abusive, he should never tell you your going through a "stage" you arent 2 your an adult and have real feelings, suggest to him marriage counseling. if he says no then you must stay true to your feelings, love doesnt always come back. you are still young and your kids are young too. if you divorce him it isnt going to hurt your kids there are tons of GREAT parents who arent together but love their kids and re-marry other people and are happy (who wouldnt want 2 moms and 2 dads!?), and you shouldnt worry about your husband or his feelings because from what you have told me he doesnt really care about yours. i would advise you to move on and be happy it is your life! take control of it! do what makes you happiest because you only get one shot at it!
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