A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there.I have this *little* conundrum. There's a guy I work with who I've known for about 2 years or so. I haven't liked him for the whole time I've known of him, but in the past three months or so I've found myself attracted to him more than ever. He also appears to be attracted to me, and has been acting this way for sometime. Frequently I catch him looking at me and smiling from across the room. Although we talk when we see each other, he seems shy around me - when he isn't with other people, even other women - and generally seems to treat me 'differently', but not in a bad way. But the thing is, I found out recently (not from him) that he actually has a baby on the way with another woman. Obviously because I like him I feel a bit sad and despondent about this, and recently I've been trying to avoid him to get him out of my head as he's off limits. But even though I haven't been seeing him as much, when I do he still seems to show these signs of being attracted to me, and it's really confusing me.On the one hand, I have a gut feeling he's attracted to me, and that makes me feel weird because he's off limits. Sometimes I just want to forget him and move on.But on the other hand, I feel like I just can't forget him and move on because of the way he acts towards me and his flirting behaviour. He still seems to have a hold on me because he seems to like me. If he just ignored me or treated me like everyone ele, it would easier for me to get over it. Part of me (and I'm really annoyed at myself for this, because this is out of character for me) wants them to break up, even though there's a baby in the picture. When I'm not around him, this idea seems absurd and irrational. But when I'm in his presence and he keeps on looking at me and shyly flirting, I feel that me and him are still possible.What should I do? I'm expecting people to tell me to "forget about him" because he has someone else, but anyone who's had a thing for anyone would know that just forgetting people isn't easy at all. I just want to know how should I handle this? Do you think he's attracted to me, at least interested? How do you become less attracted to someone, when they're unavoidable during the week? Thanks to anyone who answers.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (19 April 2010):
 focussing on the fact that he has a child on the way and a partner should change your feelings for him, if you continue to focus on the things you like about him you will just keep liking him.if he continues then just tell him you want him to stop flirting with you. your opinion of the guy will certainly play a huge role in getting over him, i mean think about the kind of guy he is, he has a baby on the way and girlfriend but is still trying to pick other girls up? and how do you know its just you? how do you know he isnt flirting with many others? as soon as you can accept this ugliness in his personality you will start to dislike him. just don't focus on things like "he has such a pretty smile, oh he is so nice" all you have said so far is that he looks at you and smiles.. what else does he do? because looking and acting are two separate things. you can appreciate someones looks and never have an intention of going further.something that i overlooked before that should be a huge red flag is this guy never told you about his baby. that shows if he wants anything with you its just sexual. you dont start a relationship with an omission of truth, which is basically a lie.so focus on those negatives, even if he broke up with his girl whats to say if you two were in a relationship he wouldnt get bored and seek another?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, but a particular thanks to 'anonymous' - your answer was the most helpful. No offence to cnith, jamie90 and laura1318, but you didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.
Despite my irrational thoughts of them wanting to break up, deep down I know I'm not looking for anything with him right now because he's attached. I actually want to know how to STOP liking him, that was one of my questions that most people didn't really answer, apart from anon. So don't worry, I am not going to be stealing anyone else's man anytime soon - it isn't in my character, I just have irrational thoughts sometimes. I just don't know how to deal with them.
'Anon' hit the nail on the head, and although I am not consumed by him to the point where I am thinking about him constantly, I can see the infatuation heading in that direction if I don't nip it in the bud now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2010): Hi
I know that everyone will tell you not to go there, but I am going through exactly the same thing at the moment and if you feelings are constant enough throughout the day, then it will have consumed you by now and in yur heart you are almost already there.
When you are close to someone each day for hours at a time, it is very easy for feelings to creep in, ie, he thinks I'm the one, he I think he's the one, etc, for me it has become an electrically charged infatuation and I am having trouble sleeping and carrying on with ordinary things, in other words it has got out of my control.
I too know that the object of my desire feels the same way about me but none of us can get to the point where we actually discuss it and the tension is unbearable.
It is difficult to remember who started it all, who gave that first look etc, and I am now feeling paranoid in case it was me.
All of these feelings will come to you if this is a new thing.
I have also tried looking at other things to try to convince myself that it has to stop, but once you are hooked, you can only see the romantic side, looking forward to work each day, always looking your best and so on.
The realistic aspect is always there in the background but you end up where none of that matters because you end up feeling like you are in love and the rest of the world can just go away!
Try to think like this darling,
He has a baby on the way, his partner feels special, he probably makes her feel that way when he is not at work.
He will be viewing his sex life differently right now and another attraction will feel good to him, very good.
He will probably carry on flirting with you because of this and if you happen to let him know how you feel, that is when your world will come falling down around you, he will either accept what you offer, but it will mean nothing to him, or, even worse, he will reject you and tell you he has just been messing around and it is just ,his way with the ladies'...........How will you feel?
I really feel for you right now because I am advising you to do what I cannot but know I should.
I hope it helps a little to know you are not on your own.
Take care of yourself, (I am now two stone lighter thatn I was when this started months ago, and I should feel good about myself but I don't)
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 Don't play with fire. When it gets out of control ,it will consume everything in it's path. You do not know what you are dealing with and the consequences can be tragic.
In the work place, you need to be more professional .
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A
female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (19 April 2010):
And if they break up, they will still have the baby. the child is never going anywhere. so this man would never truly be yours anyway, and you would always come second. i know this because my boyfriend has a daughter. i would not wish it on anyone and if we break up i will vow to never date another man with a child.
in the beginning you might feel that you would be ok to deal with it, but trust me it will only get harder. so forget the fact that he has a girlfriend, remember about the baby. and the woman will always be in his life.
could you handle that a portion of his pay for 18 years will go to another woman? could you handle your plans and wants taking a back seat for the rest of your life? what about sacrificing things like going traveling, going out because he has a child to care for?
you are too young to deal with that, and i know because i am the same age and wish i didn't get so attached.
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A
female
reader, cnith  +, writes (19 April 2010):
 You focus on the fact that he has a baby on the way and with somebody else.
It's no different than weaning yourself off fancying a married man or your boss or whatever.
It's not easy but it has to be done.
Think about what you'd want if the shoe was on the other foot and YOU were the pregnant girl. Would you want him to leave you for some other chick? No.
Don't mess with karma. It's a horrible bitch when it hits back for negative stuff. Leave him alone.
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