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male
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*funkGorilla
writes: The GF that broke up with me 3 weeks ago (it's me not you...), with who I am still friends, called me up at 1am Friday (after a week of no contact outside of a few perfunctory text messages), totally smashed, telling me she needs a ride home. I'm at another bar, 15 minutes away, but I tell her to not try to drive, just wait, and I'll be there. By the time I catch up to her, she has tried to drive, and is now down the road from where she was. I tell her to get in the car with me, I'll drive. She refuses and kisses me. During the course of our chat she kisses me twice more (not of the "friend" type) and tells me about her terrible week. We agree that I will follow her home. I do, and end up staying over. She has no objections to this, seemed assumed that I would. We stay up and talk, she cries a bit over her terrible week, and we go to sleep wrapped up together. In the morning, we talk some more and she is still snuggled up with me, holding my hand. I initiate a bit of fooling around, which she says "not a good idea..." after about 10 minutes. We stop, talk some more, fool around some more, stop and talk a bit more. Then we really start fooling around much more seriously. Nearly had full-on sex, didn't due to logistical problems, not lack of desire. She said this wasn't changing anything about our situation, and I shouldn't think otherwise. But why all the intimacy? Outside of the fooling around, which she could have stopped, everything else was initiated by her. When I asked why she called me to pick her up, she said "I trust you." Seems obvious to me that I am still in her head to a much greater extent that she is willing to admit. So what do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): people go back to their ex's in times of need for multiple reasons. comfort being one of them. you were probably all she knew for a long time. so she may not know where else to go when she's upset or needs someone. so that could be her reason for resorting back to you. not to say that she used you, because i don't at all think that she did. or it could also be that she is confused about her feelings for you and still does like you. i think it's impossible to break up with someone and then just become normal friends right away. there's always still feelings there until a long way down the road. so i'd say you still may have a chance, but i wouldn't bank on it. if i had to say, i'd say work on moving on and staying close friends. and if something happens, then great. but if it doesn't, you're not left out in the cold. hope it all works out. i can tell you truly care about this girl.
A
male
reader, pfunkGorilla +, writes (14 August 2006):
pfunkGorilla is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I was hoping from advice from a few people. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this situation. How should I best proceed? I'm not trying to shoot anybody down, I'm just adding more info in my replies to rebut her statements. Nobody has all the answers, least of all me, which is why I posted in the first place. Is there a way to get what I want (back with her? Or am I screwed? So what about it? Do you have any advice?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): so if you already know that she's conflicted and thinking about you, and possibly wanting to be back with you, then what was the point of this post? this other person was just pointing out the other possibilities that maybe you hadn't thought about, and you keep shooting them all down. if you already know all the answers, i see no point in asking a question.
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A
male
reader, pfunkGorilla +, writes (13 August 2006):
pfunkGorilla is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not asking if I'm still in her head. I'm fairly certain that I am. Will she take me back? I'd like her to, but I'm not foolish enough to sit around and wait for her to decide either. That is something that can be revisited later. Months, years, I don't know. I am and will be her friend because she and I have both decided that we want to be in each other's lives, irrespective of to what extent. That was the first time I've had to help her out of trouble, I don't expect that it will be the last though. Knowing that she is an honest and sincere person, not the type to use me, I was questioning all the intimacy we had saturday. That is what led me to the conclusion that she is conflicted. I'll just bide my time though.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (13 August 2006):
 It doesn't make you 'mad' but it is not always possible to move forward and forget about your past relationship when she is right there on the door step, as you keep asking questions like 'Am I still in her head?' and that leads to a second question 'Will she take me back?' - she is occupying head space you could better spend on someone else. It is also not a great idea to keep meeting her when she gets into bother - there will be times when you won't be available for her and she has to learn to live without you as a 'friend with benefits' and sort her own mess out.
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A
male
reader, pfunkGorilla +, writes (13 August 2006):
pfunkGorilla is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue about the drinking/driving. I cannot condone that either. However, I don't feel that I'm being used. I know when that happens - trust me. My gut feeling is that she is still conflicted about her decision to split up. That being said, I have no intention of being at her beck and call. I am moving forward as we speak, but I want to be there for her. And no, I have no problem providing physical/emotional comfort for her, as long as I am available to do so. Does that make me mad?
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 August 2006):
I don't think it matters what she thinks of you really. This is more about what sort of standards you set in your own life. It is ok to care about someone, but don't go running after this girl every time she snaps her fingers or she will do the damsel in distress routine everytime she gets into a fix. She is hardly 'bargain of the year' is she? No one with any integrity would drink and drive, let alone get behind the wheel smashed. I wish the police had picked her up - I have seen too many people's brains splattered across the floor of London A&E departments as a result of some fool getting behind the wheel plastered to have any regard for this girl. She is using you and will continue to do so as she knows you are soft on her. Continue to be used for physical and emotional comfort when she has nothing better to do, or say no and expect better treatment.
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