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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My wife is pregnant after many years of trying (together over 10 years). We have not been getting on for some time, but tried to work through the issues and kept trying to get pregnant.... This year one of my close female friends and I admitted our feelings towards each other, and we realised we felt the same. So we agreed to leave our partners (no children). On the day this was due to happen, I found out that me and the wife were pregnant. So we did not leave our partners. This friend and I, have been good (in terms of physical unfaithfulness), but the feelings remain the same.I am not in love with my pregnant wife, but with my friend. I am convinced that the friend is my soulmate and is 'the one'....I am trying to do the right thing for my unborn child and staying with the mother, but my heart is torn.Any thoughts, advice, experience welcome.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): If professional help doesn't work then don't stay. No child deserves to be brought up in an unhappy home. Staying for the sake of the child is not the answer.
Does your wife know of your feelings for your friend? If not be honest and tell her, she doesn't deserve to not know.
You can still be there for your child without living in the same house.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 December 2008):
 Thank you for your followup. My default position, barring other information, is to try to help people save the marriage. There are times when this simply is not possible, and I acknowledge that.
I have few more questions. What issues are you and your wife dealing with? What is that you have to work on? How long have you been trying to work things out?
Forgive me for being obtuse, but why did you (both) think it was a good idea to try for a child in a troubled marriage? Had you both talked about what you would do if the marriage failed and there was a child in the equation?
On the other woman, I do understand that you can have feelings or desire for another person outside the marriage, but there comes a point where you make the decision to allow that person access to your heart. This might be all pie-in-the-sky thinking on my part, of course. But while I could see thinking, gosh, that man is an excellent person and would make a wonderful partner, I would remember that I HAVE a partner, a husband who I love. That I married because I had no doubts that we would be good together and that we would work through any difficulties we might face in the future together. If I'm having feelings for another person so strongly, it's a sign that I have to work on the marriage, and to resist acting on the feelings for the other person until I had done EVERYTHING that I could to work on the marriage. (I've never been in that position, this is all hypothetical on my part.) I've worked with some awesome men, who might have been in another time, a good match for me. But because I made that choice to marry THIS man, THAT man will be off-limits, physically and emotionally. It's not so hard if you are 100% committed to the marriage, to me.
So somewhere in your relationship with this other woman, you allowed yourself to take your focus off the marriage. You let down the walls of intimacy that normally house the husband and the wife. And again, this is what's confusing me, why would you do that if you're trying to have a child with your wife?
I think this happens because there is a bad case of the 'what if's' happening. What if I had met this woman earlier, what if I had never married my wife, what if we could build a life together? What if's are interesting questions, but they generally are hypothetical, theoretical. If you start making decisions based on what if's, you risk the 'what is's'. (Sorry for mangling the English language.)
What if I had not married X, but instead moved to state Z and met Mr. Right there? Going back further, what if I had chosen Z.U. instead of A.U.? I would have met different people and never even met X or Mr. Right in state Z because I would have been in state Q, with a different job and different set of friends. Do you see my point here?
So 10 years ago, you married your wife. Why did you choose her? What were your hopes for the future? Did you love her? Did you plan to work out any problems you might encounter together?
What happened between the wedding and now, that has led you to this place and the situation of no longer being in love with your pregnant wife?
You made decisions along the way. Which do you regret and which do you wish you could undo? Which do you know were the right ones?
Obviously, you don't need to answer all of these right here, right now. But I want to encourage you to withdraw yourself from the other woman right now, so that you gain some perspective on your life, the life you have engineered so that you are in this place right now.
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A
female
reader, tonorda +, writes (22 December 2008):
I feel you just be there for your unborn child every step of the way and stop putting it off and tell your wife sooner then later cause soon as the baby is born and you tell her after the fact she will never forgive you cause once you start making memories in hear head she going to one day look back at photos whatever and think he was just putting on a show and don't stay with her just because the baby cause it will never work out just to let you know you treat others the way you want to be treated cause what if she told you she is really in love with her male bestfriend and he might even be the father of the baby you would rather know sooner then later right!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, thank you for your reply and your honesty. You make some very good points.
To answer your questions and clarify some points;
- I am trying to work through the issues with my wife by being open and honest and using advice from websites. We have not gone to counselling yet, but have talked about it. We both wanted to try for child.
To answer;
'You weren't really working on staying with your wife if you started this other relationship. You really did want out. So why were you trying to father a child? That's some very poor decision-making. If you're capable of such flawed logic, how can you trust yourself to know that this woman is 'the one'?'
- I was friends with this other person for some time, the feelings we now have developed over time. I most certainly never intended it, so did not want out.
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A
male
reader, ForbiddenHELL +, writes (22 December 2008):
Be there for your son. No matter what.
The two greatest pains i have are the anger i have for my father, He has never been there for me, and I've only seen him twice in my life.
And the second, the thought of myself never being with my sole mate. I see her every day, and we cannot be together because of religion.
Be with the one you love. But be there for your son, every day. This world needs less pain.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 December 2008):
How were you trying to work through the issues? On your own, or with some professional help? And who was it that wanted to have a child? Both of you, or was one person driving that decision?
Look, by fathering a child, you essentially made a commitment to that child to provide a healthy and stable environment for him or her. So consider why it is that you decided to start a romantic relationship outside the marriage. Sometimes people engineer situations so that they can blame 'fate' or their circumstances for what is actually a choice.
It's easy for someone you don't live with on a daily basis to look nearly perfect. You don't know that they leave their clothes all over the floor or that they have idiosyncracies that might be endearing at first, then completely exasperating later. They can be the fantasy you make up of a perfect partner. While I applaud you for remaining physically faithful to your wife, I have to tell you that being emotionally unfaithful is just as, if not more, damaging to the marriage.
You weren't really working on staying with your wife if you started this other relationship. You really did want out. So why were you trying to father a child? That's some very poor decision-making. If you're capable of such flawed logic, how can you trust yourself to know that this woman is 'the one'?
Perhaps you need to take a break from both women, and get your head on straight. You owe it to the new baby now.
Take care.
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