A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm very conflicted over the porn issue. I don't mind watching it together, but I don't like it when he looks at it on his own (how screwed up is that?). I very rarely look at it on my own (except when i'm looking to see what he's been looking at). I know a guy would say its not about me, its about him and its a private moment for him (and initially thats what hubby said to me). But whose rights win out here? His to be entitled to enjoy what he wants or mine to feel secure in his love and affection? I have ask for him to stop looking, to no use. I don't want to check up on him to see if he still is because i end up feeling angry when i find it, then i feel bad for betraying his trust and invading his privacy. he gets angry for me treating him like a 12 year old and checking up on him). Was feeling really good about us (hadn't checked for a while) made the mistake of checking his phone and low and behold there were a lot of vid clips on there. And one photo of me. how sad is that?Is it wrong for me to want him to look only at me in that light? Isn't that what marriage is all about - EXCLUSIVITY? I'm not into holding back sexually from him or anything like that, why push him further away. He says he has set personal boundaries for himself, he would never cheat, message, go to a stip club etc. Sorry but i don't think good intentions count for anything in porn. Its like taking a woman to window shop for shoes she can't afford - doesnt intend to buy them, but they look pretty and well...... i just had to have it, i'm sorry!?!So heres my delemer - do I have yet another d n m and spell out how i feel, or do i just go into complete denial and hope his "boundaries" hold up?.
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female
reader, samurai girl  +, writes (26 September 2009):
 I am kind of in your boat, so I sympathize with how you are feeling. Mine offered to stop cold turkey because it made me unhappy. And I didn't even suggest he stop!He was willing to talk about it and THAT is what made the difference. He showed concern for my happiness and did not want to engage in behavior that made me withdraw from him. This is about respect and reassurance at the end of the day.I get that and more in spades from my man. He is good to me in and out of bed. I am told that I am loved and shown that I am loved, treasured, respected and adored. THAT is what makes the difference.Is the porn still a bit of a turn off for me (and this is coming from a girl who watched a LOT of hard porn when I was younger). Yes. But, I can talk about it with him and he won't dismiss me, accuse me of trying to control him, etc. He will listen and talk to me.If your guy won't do something as have an honest conversation with you and communicate with you about something as dumb as porn, you have bigger problems, my dear.Do I suggest you tell him he can't use it? No. That's not reality. He's not your kid. He's your partner and your equal. If he won't talk to you and doesn't want to know WHY you are upset and feel as you do, then there's your answer.Honest communication and respect for your feelings is what you are lacking. Try to talk to him again and reach a compromise. But don't ever believe that all men use porn and you have to accept it because that's not true, and you don't have to accept anything that makes you unhappy. Life is too short. Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Ok, ok, you all calm down! Sure, men watch porn and it's meaningless, but guys should also try to understand some women's points of view... some women don't like the idea of porn, is that so wrong? Sure, some understand men and don't mind it, but some mind it and that's ok too! Guys, if you want to be understood, then try and understand women too. Not that you should stop watching if it bothers your partner, but stop treating porn like it's the Holy Grail or something, or an almighty right, etc. It's just ´porn, just as you expect women to understand, then try to put yourself in her shoes too! Gee... especially since no real woman has the time or money to look like porn stars do, and we do feel pressure to look better than them. Be a bit more understanding!OP, I agree that you should try and accept it, and not take it so personally, but don't feel like you're abnormal just because guys treat women that don't like porn like they were nuts or mentally ill or something. Like it was so wrong to dislike it...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): All guys do it theres nothing weird about it... he probably been watching port long before you ever met him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): What does it matter if he watches porn or not? He loves you and chooses you to be at his side, not the porn. Women who do understand why men watch porn are very much accepting of it and ultimately don't care. The woman is confident because he loves her dearly and treats her right, and ofc they still fuck like no tomorrow.
I mean you can chose not to understand and try your best to force him to not watch it but good luck with that one. I have no advice for that route. ^_^
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I think you are being very over dramatic about this!
Almost all men watch porn on a regular basis and it is completely natural. I pretty much watch it on a daily basis and my fiancee doesn't appear to mind at all. She has asked me about it on a few occasions (manly to understand my fascination with it) but she never feels insecure about it.
I'll let you in on a few 'male' secrets here.
Firstly, porn is not so much a sexual pleasure (like actually having sex) as it is a form of release. You've had a long day, you watch a bit of porn and afterwards you do feel a lot more relaxed.
Secondly, now this is something that my fiancee struggled to understand as well. You have to realise that there is a significant different between these slutty porn stars and what your husband would probably terms as 'his dainty princess' (ie you). The two just don't match! In my mind my fiancee is the most perfect woman, she will be the mother of my children and basically resembles everything good and pure. I don't WANT to have sex with her like they do in porn clips (plus I would probably have my head torn of if I ever slapped her bum in the middle sex..). The point of the matter is that we men may fantasise about these women in a purely sexual way but we would NEVER leave our wives for one!
Lastly, have you ever considered the fact that we men are very visual creatures and need something to look at to get ourselves going. That's why we like to do it with the lights on! More often than not I don't even think about having sex with any of the girls on the porn clip but rather just watch it all happening.
So my advice is to stop worrying about it and just leave your man to it.
Get yourself a nice vibrator (my fiancee has the one from sex and the city and swears by it - magic wand something or another) and start fantasising about gardener, a fireman or whatever gets you going...
Happy wanking!
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