A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello Everyone,I am in need of some help. I'm not quite sure where to start but I will try my best.I am starting my sophomore year of college on labor day, which is in less than a week. I'm excited, but I am also kinda dreading it. For the past three or so years, I dated a guy who we will call P. P is a really sweet guy, but he goes to a university that is about six hours away from mine. We met in high school, and ever since then, we have clicked in a way I have never really clicked with anyone before. We have a really great dynamic and I was really happy with him. At the end of last year, though, P started to get extremely stressed with schoolwork. He also became fairly depressed. He pushed me away a bit, and we communicated a lot less than we had for the rest of the year. Without our closeness, I filled my time with more activities, and through those activities, new people came into my life. I joined a grappling club, and it was there that I met who we will call O. O is an international student, but he speaks english quite well. At this time, O and I were just friends, and we didn't really hang out outside grappling club at all. The period where P dropped out of my life was really hard for me. I was stressed too, but he was distant and always busy. I felt pushed aside for his friends, and I started to grow jealous of his female friends. I would never suspect him of cheating, but I was jealous that they got to share his experiences with him and I did not. I felt lonely and sad and confused, wondering what I did to deserve this sudden pullback after years of being on the same wavelength. After about a month, P came back and had a new passion for our relationship. He was constantly trying to initiate contact, and did his best to visit me and to support me in all my endeavors, perhaps even more than he did before he became distant. I, however, was still feeling hurt and confused. I did not know what to make of his sudden changes when he was usually such a consistent person, and I was caught up in my new friends and new clubs. I was definitely pushing him away, perhaps out of spite. This was around one month before school ended. At around that time, O and I started to become closer, and I started to develop a crush on him. I think part of it may have been that he was just so different from P. Where P had been logical and unwavering, O was emotional and exciting. He told stories of places I had never been and swept me off my feet, so to speak. I fell fast and hard. I still loved P, though, so this made me feel confused. In a way, the thing with O wasn't really real to me, it was almost as if I had spliced myself and one side of me loved P and the other was caught up in O. Three days before the last day of school, O and I were hanging out really really late. I was half asleep, and I was sitting next to him, and he kissed me. I was jolted awake, and I was angry at him. I left. The next day, I talked with my grappling club friends, and they all agreed that I should dump P and date O.O and I spent the last day of school together, and it was all kind of a blur. I kissed him again that day. P came up a day later to help me move out. The weight of what I had done came crashing down on me, and I was filled with guilt. I told P that I had kissed O, but I backtracked and claimed that we were both drunk and that I didn't know what had happened. We talked about how hard the distance was. I was in shock, and immediately regretted the lie. I did not know how else to deal with my guilt, and so I told him we should break up at the end of the summer. He agreed. Later that week, when we were at home, I sat down with P and I asked him to either break up with me right then or stay with me so we could try to work this thing out. I hated that I had hurt him, and I hated the idea of being a cheater. I just wanted the world to make sense again, and having P only halfway was not making things work. We agreed to end it right then.I felt so alone when we first broke up that I immediately latched onto O, and we started dating over skype, saying that we would be together when school came back in session. I avoided hanging out with P because it was painful. At first I was happy, but then as the summer went on I started to be filled with this sense of dread. I started to hang out with P again, and being around him made me feel right again. I am still in love with P, and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to go back to school and lose P. He says that things have to be this way for now, but "who knows what could happen later on." But I really just want P back. At the same time, I still do care for O, but I am afraid to see him now that I am not sure how I feel about him, but I have to move on from P and dating O might help. I'm just feeling trapped and like I am in a catch 22 where I cannot win no matter what I do. All I want to do right now is beg P to take me back, but I'm technically dating O right now and don't want things to be weird when I go back to school. I feel like I should give O a chance, but I cant really imagine doing anything remotely sexual with anyone but Patrick. I think maybe Otto was here for me when P couldn't be, and I just needed someone to love me when I wasn't getting it from P because he was away. The kisses with O are a thing, but I almost feel like they happened because I was just so confused that I wasn't even in control of myself anymore. That whole week feels so hazy to me, I barely remember from when O and I kissed for the first time to when I broke up with P. It was like it was all a nightmare and now I am stuck dealing with the repercussions. P and I had our issues, but I cannot see myself clicking with anyone else the way P and I click. We have always been first and foremost best friends, and I feel like I don't really have anywhere near as deep of feelings for Otto as I do for P. My feelings for O are more intense, for sure, but my feelings for P run deep and are so much more than lust or romance.I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but a week before that horrible week I switched antidepressants, and I also had my period. I was an emotional train wreck and I still feel like I am.I'm just so conflicted, please help me make sense of this! What should I do? I always thought P was my soulmate, but... :(As for lying about the kisses, I was scared and guilt ridden, and that was the first time I have ever lied to P. How do I deal with that? Do I just leave it alone?Sincerely,Conflicted
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Sorry, but... I tend to agree with Wise OwlE.
What you do now, is :you cut the drama, focus on your studies, which are what you are there for, ( even if you are an A student, there's always room for improvement, to learn more and to get more out of your college experience, plus it takes a lot of concentration to STAY an A student ), do your grappling etc., and yes, you do a bit of introspection, a bit of looking within , and a bit of... growing up.
Yes, OP, you detailed precisely the chronology and your triggets for what happened, and, do you know what it boils down to ?...
Ti the fact that " it's all about you ", and that you are very etero-directed, not self directed. In other words, that you respond much more and more prmptly to external stimulation from the enviroment, than to an internal code of conduct of your own, willingly chosen, adopted and enforced.
So you feel a bit depressed, a bit left out, envious that you can't be there with Patrick- AND you kiss Otto.
Patrick is , for a very short period of time, a bit standoffish,... and you kiss Otto.
There are little things that bother you, in your relationship and / or in your daily life... and you kiss Otto.
All you said, just shows that your way to cope with very normal adjustment problems / stress /moods... is to seek comfort in the arms of another man.
Not that this is unusual, but it's not a very efficient / mature way to carry on a relationship. When you'll be married and you'll have a little coniugal tiff, or your husband will be coldish for a few days because he has his own problems at work, what you are going to do , go out and kiss the milkman, the postman ?.
Apparently you don't realize that there's NO mandatory cause - effect link between being depressed, bored, insecure , envious and whatever other mood you are ,- and cheating.
There are tons of women who feel occasionally depressed, lonely, out of sorts , what do they do, they all kiss Otto ?... Send him over, ... at times I feel a bit down myself :).
Rule of thumb, and very wide generalization of course, but, : if you have so much trouble staying faithful , in a relationship that's supposedly good and happy- then it's not THAT happy ,because you are not as happy with the guy as you want to say . Love for P. may run deep... but maybe it's a bit TOO deep, i.e. not easy to retrieve, if you feel attracted to the first guy who comes by because , basically , he is different and exotic. Maybe good old P. has run his course ?
Rule of thumb n. 2, - when you are undecided between two lovers, basically you do not care THAT much about either one. At least as persons, as individuals. You care only about the different needs you are seeking to fulfill at that time , through them( which is very autoreferential ).
If you where in love , inequivocably in love, with either one, you would KNOW.
Rule of thumb n. 3, when in doubt between two or more guys, it is not mandatory at all to make a choice. Where does it say that you can't be single (... and focus on your studies ) ? That you can't wait for a 3rd more convincing, intriguing candidate ? That you are entitled to offer to either one a love ( or acceptance or consent or whatever you want to call it ) , which is less than full, total, enthusiastic- when they could get that from some other woman ?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2014): Then wouldn't it be a good idea to take a break from both guys; and just distance yourself to maybe hangout with other friends and enjoy other activities? Then everything will settle-down. You won't look like the bad-guy, or have one while missing the other. You can have both as friends.
You'll be caught-up in explaining one guy to the other; and what you did with the other, when and why. The problem will be, neither will trust you; and both may dump you first.
If you suffer from depression, that is the worst thing that can happen during school semester. I will not apologize for recommending that you focus on your studies. All this is becoming a soap opera drama.
I reminded you of your studies; because I know how relationships start to steal your time and attention. Inadvertently becoming a distraction, not only for you; but the guys as well. Plus, that is your main focus; whether you like being reminded or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlright, fair. WiseOwlE, I understand what you are saying, and I understand that their feelings are at stake here. What popped up with Otto didn't really have anything to do with spiting Patrick. Me not engaging Patrick was what I was saying I may have been doing to spite Patrick. Which, I admit, is childish just the same. I didn't ask this to have to defend my education, as I recognize that all of this comes second to studying. Allow me to better explain things:
- Patrick and I were dating.
- Patrick went to university in our hometown and I went to one in another state.
- Patrick had lots of friends, mostly female, who he flirted with often and led them on without realizing it. He took them to concerts one on one without telling me and did all the kinds of things that were normally "our things" which made me sad and a little envious that they were the ones able to do these things with him and not I. I was jealous of the experiences they shared, not of them from a romantic standpoint.
- Patrick pulled away for a month and pretty much cut all communication without warning. Without our daily Skype chats, I was depressed. My friends talked me into joining a club.
- in said club I met Otto.
- Otto and I became friends.
- Patrick started talking to me again, and I was wary of it.
- Otto began to hang out with my friend group outside of club.
- Otto and I spent last week watching the documentaries for our mutual class together. One night it was late. He kissed me.
- I get conflicted, guilty and also happy. I had been depressed. Our last day together, I kissed him again, and I'm not sure why.
- Patrick and I break up because of distance issues mostly.
- I turn to Otto.
- Patrick and I become close again.
- I don't know what to do now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): "I was definitely pushing him away, perhaps out of spite"
"Three days before the last day of school, O and I were hanging out really really late."
"I would never suspect him of cheating, but I was jealous that they got to share his experiences with him and I did not."
"O and I spent the last day of school together, and it was all kind of a blur. I kissed him again that day."
Yes, you do need to grow up. You contradicted your own words. Spite is spite, and jealousy is jealousy. You don't believe Patrick cheated on you. So, why did you Kiss Otto? Why were you being romantic with Otto; if Patrick was only being friends with the girls he hung out with?
Even if you're an "A" student; your goal is to maintain your GPR, learn something, and move on to a higher level of learning. That requires concentration on your education; and discipline. There are feelings of two guys involved here, and what you're doing will hurt both of them. You call me harsh?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): I don't think she was being spiteful, and I don't think being confused means she has an issue making decisions. Telling someone to grow up never helps.
I think you need to just take some time off dating. These boys, if things are meant to work with them, will understand.
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A
female
reader, penguinwaddle14 +, writes (28 August 2014):
Wow, long question! Um, I think it sounds like you messed up pretty badly with P, and maybe you just need to take some kind of break. That being said, O seems like a fairly nice guy, and I know you don't want to hurt him by backing out. I say CASUALLY explore this thing with O. Take your time, and don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.I don't agree with WiseOwlE necessarily, especially about the studies. That's not really her place to say to you. My understanding was not that you were angry at P for hanging out with girls, but rather upset that you could not be one of them. I think your intentions in all these situations were sincere. I'm sorry this is happening. My one piece of advice is to take it slow and see what happens, and not do anything you wouldn't want to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE :
I was not trying to be spiteful towards Patrick at any point, and I was not jealous of his friends romantically. He was exclusively hanging out with girls at that point, and I was jealous that they got to share in growing with him as a person and I did not. I was sad that I did not get to be a bigger part of his life. But what happened with Otto was not something I did to spite Patrick! That was not my thought process.
I would say that you do have a point about just being friends with them though. But telling me to grow up and "maybe I should just focus on my studies" is a little harsh. I am an A student.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2014): Aside from writing a romance novel, I think you need to focus on your studies, and just be friends with both boys.
You were spiteful and hurtful to P, then you found someone only to get back at him for having friends. Only because some of his friends happened to be girls. While you were hanging around with Otto the whole time. Suddenly using him to get back at your boyfriend. That is mean, selfish, and hypocritical.
Not being able to choose means you have issues with making choices, and standing by your commitments. You have some growing up to do. So both boys should be placed in the "friend-zone;" and you should be more focused on getting your education.
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