A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mother and I live in different states, about 1000 miles apart. She began dating a new man in early December and told me how great he was and she was very happy. She continually said that they were going to take this slow. She decided to come visit past weekens and brought the boyfriend. The last day of their visit, she blurts out that they are engaged and are getting married in July. This is so out of character for her, and although I am thrilled that she has found someone and is happy, I can not help but have some concerns over the quickness of this marriage. And I am not in anyway protesting it or trying to stop it, I just am shocked and want to make sure my mother has thought this thru. This however has really upset my mother, she thinks I should be exstatic that she got engaged after 15 days and has her wedding planned within 30. I don't understand how I can be the only person who thinks this is too quick! My mother is an emotional woman and is very insecure about her relationships in general. She needs to be reassured that people lover her quite often, and I really think she got to a point where she did not actually believe that she was lovable. Now she has met someone who is in fact a nice person and most likely does at least believe he loves her and I am afraid she has latched on to that out of fear of not having anything at all. My other concren is that this man just lost his first wife 5 months ago and although I believe that his wife told him to move on I still fear that this is too fast for him and he may realize that at some point and want to reconsider. I truely believe that would be detrimental to my mothers mental health. I really think I am only being a good daughter and watching out for my mothers best interest, but apparently it isn't being viewed that way and I don't have kids, so I guess i don't have the benefit of seeing this from a mother's point of view... any thoughts that may help me to convey my concerns more appropriatley?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): Honey,
I understand your fears and concerns! I am on a unique side of a similar situation. I am an ex-wife to a man who just met a woman on the internet 6 weeks ago. She just announced that they are getting married. That would be fine (she can have him) if it were just him.....but we share custody with 3 kids under 15. She (a stranger) will be with my kids as much as me. Adults need to get out of a dream-world. They need to look at things a little skeptically and not want to rush into anything. We all have things about us that out of fairness to the other person (or persons) involved.....we should unselfishly give the relationship time to allow that other person to see our quirks (Sp?) and our weaknesses to make sure they are interested in them even after we see those traits. I think "quick" relationships like this usually reflect that someone has something to hide and they are afraid that if that person really gets to see what they are hiding, they will not be interested. You seem very wise and you are looking at this relationship from the outside and you see things clearly. Your Mother is caught up in emotions and is probably not seeing things as clearly as you. I can't control my situation, as frustrating as it is, but I've been praying and handing it over to God.....praying that the skins of the onion are pealed so they can see each other for who they really are before they tie the knot. I would suggest asking your Mom how she would respond if you just met someone and were proclaiming that you were getting married......she would probably feel just like you do. I wish you the best.....I understand your frustrations fully!!!!!!
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 Have you considered visiting her? If it were my Mom, I'd want to know that she was going to be alright. I'm sure that things can happen this quickly, but I would also worry about her financial security. Frankly, if it's possible, I would hop on a plane and check this whole thing out just to make sure. Sorry to be the voice of doom here, but my father-in-law's estate was taken by his housekeeper/nurse who isolated him from the rest of the family in order to take care of herself. Shit happens. If you have that warning bell going off in your head, it's your woman's intuition telling you somethings up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Thank you for taking the time to respond, but it seems to me that you have only stated the obvious. My request for advise was not to ask if my mother was older or more mature than me, this I know to be true already. My request for advise was asking for help in explaining to my mother where I was comming from and that my concerns were only out of love. I have never not respected my mother, and it is only out of respect and love for her that I am concerned.I am very taken aback that society has come to the point where people truely believe that it is better to go along with something you have concerns with and not share your concerns with your loved ones. I have spent most of my adult life trying to learn to be honest and share my feelings with my loved ones and friends just to find out that people would rather be lied to... and I thought I needed guidance before.If anyone else has any advise as to how I can explain to my mother where I was coming from so that she can understand it was not meant as a disprespectful act or a protest, but simply as a concerned daughter looking out for her moms best interest? Again, I'm not looking for how to accept this, I am looking for how to repair the damage done because I was not immediatley thrilled with the whole idea.Thanks in advance for any help!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 January 2008):
 I think your mother is more matured than you think and there is nothing the children can do about it except to give your blessings. Any negative connotations would not be welcome as she is in love with the man and will not see from your points.
Your mother is older than you and you may have your concerns but in her present state of mind, any objections or concerns would be brushed aside. She has decided and it would be better to go along with her .It is only your perceptions but your mother has hers . It is her decision, and you need to respect her.
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