A
male
age
41-50,
*lba
writes:I really could do with some advice on how to handle a very complicated situation. Its a long story so please bare with me.About 18 months ago I met a girl who works in my local pub. Out of the blue she told me she liked me, I liked her too and tried to get together with her but for whatever reason we didn't, I think it was because she fancied me but didnt know whether she wanted a relationship or not at the time. We ended up falling out because of the akwardness, she admitted she was being childish and was being horrible to me and didn't know why. In short we became good friends. I started getting feelings for her. She met a guy about 6 months ago. It was hard, but I stuck by her as a friend and made an effort to be friends with him. We went out alot together. Some nights were difficult but I was genuinely happy for her. He soon started treatng her badly and she wasn't happy. They split up about 4 times, each time he would act like he had changed to get her back but as soon as he did he changed back and they would split again. Over the past couple of months we have become really close, talking every night online for hours, texting each other all day. It seemed like things were changing and something would happen between us. We were getting flirty, talking about what we wanted from life and we wanted the same things. She hints in her own way about us getting together, but then cools . She was making excuses for him not to come round so she could talk to me. We would talk about us going out with her son, but it didnt happen. He has always been very controlling, making her feel bad and like everything is her fault. Whenever he was in the pub when she was working he would look over at the bar to check on her literally every couple of minutes.Well she finally said enough is enough and ended it with him saying she knew it was what she had to do to be happy, we were getting closer, she was talking about me coming on holiday with her and her dad and son as they had split up. We admitted we trusted each other more than anyone else and she couldnt trust him anymore as he was texting all her friends telling hem everything she said. The night she broke up with him, he said he would never let her be happy, would follow her everywhere and then said he would kill himself. She was terrified, she said she doesn't want any more to do with him but was worried because wouldnt want that on her conscience for the rest of her life. However he apologised the next day and said it was just because he was upset. She believe him and said they could carry on being friends beacuse she felt sorry for him.Well he thought that by being friends he could and should come out with her everytime she went out. He kept turning up at the pub when she was working just saying he wanted a drink even though he lives about 15 miles away and doesnt drink cos he drove. It was clear that he was just hoping to get her back. I went with her to meet a couple of friends in town and he hadn't been invited, he used to work at the bar we were going to as a doorman, me and her ended up on our own and we had a really good night, and felt closer still, she told her friend what a great night we had and admitted she had feelings for me. It turned out that that night he called one of the door staff to check on her. She goes for a girls night out on the sunday, he isnt invited yet he turns up again, depsite her not getting mad at him and joining in with him he takes an overdose and is in hospital for a couple of days.Well we carried on talking, getting closer, I really felt like something was going to happen. Two weeks ago she asked me out just me and her for the first time just us two. It wasn't officially a date but it felt like one.Im not sure why but she told him we were going out. I got texts like "soon stepping in my shoes". She says that tomorrow she is going to tell him she wants no more contact. I think this is it we are going to get together.Well we were having a great night but guess what he turned up. He started getting in my face saying I know youve fancied her from day one, and if you had the chance you would be with her tomorrow. We both think he is going to hit me, they go outside and argue and she thinks he is going to hit her. He sort of apologises to me and we are all stood at the bar in silence. We decide to carry on with our night and we have a laugh, he sits there looking moody for an hour or so then eventually goes. She mentions about me going to Butlins with her and her son, things are looking good.The next day we talk online and she says she is going to stick by him as a friend as he doesn't have anybody else, i get frustrated but dont say anything because i can clearly see, and he admitted it to me that he is only staying friend in hope of getting her back, and I know that whilst he is still on the scene there is no chance of us getting together. I try to do the right thing and tell him there were no hard feelings.We arrange a night, me, her, him and a couple of other friends. Were still talking like we are very close. She tells me that I better be in top form on the night out, having a laugh and having fun like i usually do and that they will follow my lead. Well sunday arrives and before we even go out I start feeling under pressure to have a good time. I arrive at the pub where we were meeting. She is sat with him and he is all over her as usual, but also being moody and moaning about her. She doesn't speak to me much so the pressure mounts even more. We go into town to a bar. He is driving and they are chatting and looking so close etc, just as if they are still together. I start feeling more pressure, start feeling jealous. We get to the bar and again its all them two, i start feeling left out. Start feeling like im not good enough. I start drinking more than i usually do hoping it will relax me and get me in the mood. I lose track of what I drank and although I can't remember it I apparently caused a scene and she told me to leave. I wasn't saying anything about them two i was just really drunk.I woke up the next day feeling awful and having no idea what happened the night before. She doesnt reply to my text for a while. I try to call her and she doesnt answer. That night she came online. She hardly said anything. I find out what went on and I apologise and end up explaining how i was feeling and telling her how I feel, she doesnt say much. She says she is not mad at me, but I have to watch what im drinking. I tell her I like her but being a friend is most important thing and I dont want to lose that. I ask her if we are ok and she says yes, then she goes offline. I can tell from the way she was quiet that everything wasnt quite ok.I didnt hear anymore from her for a few days, I didnt go online as I decided to give her some space. I text her on thursday asking if she is ok and ask her a question about work to find out if she is working that night. She replies a few hours later saying she is fine and confirms that she is working. I decide not to go to the pub that night which is our regular night out there. I didnt want to make her feel uncomfortable at work until I knew we were ok. I didn't want to do the things her ex did you know. I was hoping she would be online friday night and we would chat, clear the air, as we usually chatted for hours on a friday night. She didnt come online and I found out that she has gone away with him for the weekend this weekend. They are not back together but it was planned weeks ago when they were still toghether. It hurt and I am fully expecting them to be together again when they come back, I cant see them spending a weekend away togher and sharing a bed etc without this happening.Since that last sunday I have been beating myself up and trying to figure out what to do for the best. The selfish part of me wants her, the not so selfish part of me just wants things to be back the way they were and stay close mates, but Im not taking that for granted that it can happen. The none selfish part of me just wants her to be happy and is thinking that I should just disappear fromt he scene so she can sort herself out, and if someone needs to get hurt and lose out in order for things to be easier for her and to be happy I would rather it be me as although it will break my heart and I will feel like I have lost my best friend I know I will ultimtately deal with it.Im expecting she may be online tonight and I really dont know what to do or how to handle it. I don't know whether to just not talk to her if she does and see if she talks to me. If she is quiet and is still not chatty I dont know whether to just back off, not act like its bothering me but be there for her hoping that with space time she will talk to me.Or do I tell her how I feel and offer to back off and let her get on with what she needs to do.And then say she is back with him but she still wants to be friends and be like it was before, I dont know whether to just swallow my feelings and carry on enjoying haveing her as a friend, be there for her as a mate and hope that if things dont work out between them she will finally say no more contact and we may get together. But if that happens im worried that Im going to get really frustrated and jealous again and mess things up even more.Because we haven't talked and I don't know what the situation is I really don't know how to react or what to do for the best. I know she is not normally the best person when it comes to talking about difficult situations like this, and Im worried she will just back off now and not even talk to me about it.I told you it was a long story, if youve gotten this far thank you for taking the time to read it. Any advice would be appreciated. Believe me I have thought about all the what ifs, is she using me? Does she just not know what she wants? Is she too scared to do anything incase he tries to kill himself again?I just have so many feelings going on at the moment. Hurt, anger, feeling like ive possibly been used, feeling like im not good enough for her, jealousy, everything.
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male
reader, Alba +, writes (31 March 2008):
Alba is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the answers. Well she came online last night. I waited a little while to see if she would speak to me first. She didn't. I sent her a simple message "hey are you ok?". It was 25 minutes before she replied. She said "yes im fine", but even if she was fine i'm not daft and i can tell there is something up between us. She hardly said a word, just one word answers to small talk.Asked her why is she being so quiet its not like her, seems strange shes not talking to me all of a sudden, she said no she is fine. She didnt any more again, but carried on chattin with our other friend. I asked her an innocent question and she just didnt answer, was online for about another half hour and then just went offline. She is online now and not talking to me again. She isn't back with her ex, they are just still friends. Now I know something is up between us, but I think im just going to giver her space for a couple of weeks, not talk to her unless she talks to me, and then if things are the same then I will contact her and say Im not stupid, im not ignroing you and im not mad, im just giving you space and if you want to talk to me about anything you can. Then if i still don't hear anything for another couple of weeks I will email her and get everthing off my chest.
A
male
reader, Alba +, writes (30 March 2008):
Alba is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, of course I have suspected and thought about what you have suggested before now. And it would explain why she would tell him that she was going to the pub with me that night. But it doesn't explain why she told me that night that she was going to cut all contact with him the following day. As I know it is always hard for her to talk about her feelings, I would be really suprised that she admitted to her friend that she had feelings for me if she didn't. He has never been physically abusive to her, I know that for a fact and I know she would not stand for it. When I say he treats her badly it is more of a case that he is always having a go at her for everything, everything is always her fault and he makes her feel bad when she has done nothing wrong. He is extrememly jealous and when they had been together only a few weeks he told me he was jealous of her son's dad, and was jealous of the fact she was going on holiday with her own dad and her son. He would complain if she would talk to other people when she went outside for a cigarette, would complain about her leaving him like a lemon, even though he could have gone outside. She was not allowed to go on a cigarette break without phoning him, if she didn't he had a go at her. Things like this.
Ok so I know she is coming online tonight. I do not know what to do. If she is back with him I am going to suggest that I am better off out of the picture so that they can work things out, as I think it will be easier for all of us. I will post an update.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 March 2008):
 It sounds like she is in a bad relationship, possibly even an abusive one. It also sounds like she has trouble ending it, or maybe even doesn't want to end it.
Maybe with time that will change, maybe she is just one of those women who needs repeated breakups to finally seperate, but this is not her story, it is yours.
She is using you to escape her life but doesn't care enough for you to finally break it up. She is still attached to this guy and will remain so for a long time. Being the 'friend' of an abused partner is not easy, you will basically be asked to remain on standbye each time she goes back to him and be there when she once again leaves him.
But there is no price at the end of it all, if she ever leaves him, she won't be with you because it just took to long and she never really loved you in the first place. If she did, leaving her partner would be easy.
I am projecting my own experiences here, but she will at once be thinking that she doesn't deserve you AND at the same time trying to find any flaw that excuses her from not going for you. Like you getting drunk. Her reaction was way overblown considering her boyfriends behaviour she apparently did accept by getting back with him again.
Try to see her as nothing more then a friend, be there for her if she needs help, but try to put her out of your heart because it just won't work out. If she leaves him again, support her, but as a friend and with no pressure.
She ain't doing this on purpose, if I read your story right she has some major issues, possibly past abuse, that prevents her from having enough self-esteem to see this guy is bad for her. But you are not going to be able to wave a magic wand and make it better. Right now she doesn't need your love on top of everything else. Do the noble thing and set your own heart aside but don't discard her as a friend.
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