A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in this relationship right now for more than seven years. I believe we love each other terribly but things are not the same now and it's all so confusing, sad and terrifying at the same time. We started off as best friends. When we started, I had some questions regarding his sexuality. I asked him about it and he denied anything wrong. We became really close over time and I developed strong feelings for him. I was actually the one who chased him and it took him several months of being together before he realized that he also wanted to be with me. Fast forward several years and it has been good. He and I grew emotionally and with our careers. We both got sick, very sick and through these times, we took care of each other. It was harder for me, i ended up being depressed for several years because of his medical condition. I'm 38 now, he's 34. I've expressed over the past years my yearning to have children, get married and start a family. To some extent, i thought that it's my fault that we can't get married because I was married before and we don't have divorce here in our country. Then we talked about it and i told him i'm ok to have children even if we're not yet married as i can work on the annulment from the courts. He has never volunteered to help me financially or emotionally with this long and expensive legal process.I also thought that it was because we're not ready financially. But we've both achieved successes in our careers and frankly, we're doing quite well. We don't have a lot of savings, I don't have a lot of personal money right now because we spend a lot on the good life. He loves the good life. I tend to follow what he's happy at. Two years ago, i started to desperately want to have children. He's in love with the idea of having sons that he can dress up, teach and mold. But I don't think he's ready to give up his present kind of life. We rarely have sex these past 4 years. Sometimes it takes months. Right now we haven't done it for 4 months and before that maybe just once a month. i'm not a very sexual person per se but i want to feel loved, appreciated. i also want to have children but i can't have them if we're not doing it, right? I thought it was because we both got sick but we're ok now. Or maybe because i gained weight before. Although now, i've lost all the weight gain again but it still is not happening.The other month, i saw in his computer history some links to pictures of naked actors. They weren't really porn but I got upset. He told me that he was just click ing on links. He spends a lot of time on his fashion/ lifestyle blog, on his Facebook. He has a lot of these fans from all over the world. I appreciate his efforts on this end but a few friends have pointed out that most of his online friends are suspect, a few girls, more men. I talked to him about this. He seems not to think there's anything wrong. He said he needs those "friends" to earn popularity online. He also has anger management issues. Small things set him off. Most times, i'd rather take the cab than ride with him in my car. I don't drive so he drives. I'm a very driven and ambitious person. I work hard, long hours. I'm happy with what I do. Specially eversince i got well, I've been very happy with what I'm doing for work. He thinks I work too much. But i want to achieve a lot of things - have financial security so I can have a good family life, good career, have the means for health care and so on. A month ago, I met someone at work. He's technically not my boss as he's from another company. But he's a very high ranking executive and we're working together in a foundation. it's happy work. We share the same energy. He's also very driven, very ambitious. He's actually younger than me but he has achieved so much. Our work has put us closer because we have to plan and do a lot of things together. He's very appreciative of what I do. At first, I felt terrified - I've not had strong feelings for any other man for the past 8 years or so except for my current partner. It's also different in the sense that this attraction and chemistry is so strong. A few people at work have commented that we look good together, or that that guy seems to be so into me and quite a few people we meet actually thought we are a couple or something.He now calls, text or emails me almost everyday, even on weekends, even on vacations. It's mostly about work, he usually starts things off with work. Then it just progresses to how's your day, some minor flirting and affirmations of each other's value etc. Sometimes he calls or texts late in the night because he knows i also work late. A few times, he brought me back to the office and once back to my house because he insisted i shouldn't take a cab and that it wasn't a problem because he has a driver, anyway. My partner knows that this guy calls and texts me a lot but he thinks he's a loser without a life except work. I feel flattered especially because this guy values my opinion. He knows i'm with someone, by the way but he hasn't asked me anything beyond that. when we're together in person, we keep things very professional but i feel this strong energy and chemistry between us, i was looking at some event photos and in most of them, we're beside each other looking happy.my partner and i recently had a long vacation in some resort. i opened up to him about how we've grown apart. how he seems not to think about our future plans. he admitted that maybe he'll finally come down to it if i remind him more. i'm so tired of doing that. i feel bad that i always have to egg him on doing things for us. and seven years is such a long time to think about if he wants it, right?i gave him 3 choices - 1) we stay as we are - which i don't want 2) we step it up, he commits and i will also lower my own expectations and demands so we can meet halfway - but i'm feeling i'll be compromising my ambitions in life or 3) we break out, i move out and we remain friends - which scares me a lot because it will be hard for me to start all over again. even during our vacation, we had not had sex. i don't want to bring it up anymore. i feel like i'm the one always asking. he kisses me goodnight, tucks me in our blanket, hugs me - but nothing beyond that.i don't doubt that he loves me. i also love him. i also worry about him, his future, his health. but things are not as they should be now, i'm starting to feel trapped, sad over the lost years that we've allowed ourselves to go down like this. i'm also confused because i'm beginning to have feelings for this other guy which i'm fighting very hard but it's a losing war. i don't know what to do right now. should i work this out or should i start a new life? regarding this other guy, how should i handle it? i don't want to have a meaningless affair, however strong our attraction is. i don't want him to see me as just some easy girl. i want him to respect and value me. and i also don't want to fuck up at work but it's getting harder to ignore him. I now think about him from time to time and it's affecting the way i am with my partner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Have you ever heard the saying the grass aint always greener on the other side. From what i can see what makes you so attracted to this guy is that you see eye to eye career wise and can connect with that and understand each other. You have absolutly no idea what the whole package is like though, sure there is problems but really, is it worth throwing eight years like that away for an affair or gamble on something you really dont know well at all. For the baby thing, he is younger than you in his early thirties. Ya most think about having kids at this point but most dont have the opportunity of the good life, being he has that opportunity maybe he is not quite ready yet(hell elton john just adopted a baby last year lol at like seventy). But that of course a lot different but you get the point. When it comes to the sex, some just dont need it that much if any at all. But you can try spicing it up, plenty of ways to do that. Hope this helps
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