A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I slept with the man I love who also happens to be one of my closest friends. It happened two weeks ago and it was sincere and passionate and amazing, everything I had imagined it to be for all these months I had been in love with him. Unfortunately it is all very complicated. His best friend is in love with me and there is a girl in the picture that is in love with him. He is not in love with her but feels very protective towards her since she attempted suicide a few months back. So, after we finally spent the night together he told me he finds our situation too complicated, that he feels like he is betraying his best friend (he didn't mention the girl but I am sure he worries about her too, we all do and we know about her feelings)and that he feels like he has nothing to offer me as I deserve so much. I got upset thinking he may have thought about all this before sleeping with me and asked him to leave then e-mailed him asking him to keep it a secret at least until the situation clears so that other people won't be unnecessarily hurt (I wish he felt confident enough about us but clearly he doesn't). Now he is upset because of this e-mail as if our night didn't mean anything to me (not true obviously). This is not some stranger I picked up in a bar. We have been very close for a couple of years and I have been in love with him for a year. I also don't want to hurt anyone but can't deny my feelings. I was also there the night we spent together and it felt so real and emotional and we talked so openly about everything. It didn't feel like a meaningless one night stand (besides we are both against one night stands on principal, as I said I know him well)but his reaction afterwards tells me he doesn't share my feelings at all. I am now away on the field doing research in another country for a few months and have no news of him (his best friend keeps writing though). He keeps posting meaningful songs in facebook (like the song that was playing in the pub when we first kissed) but he has not tried to contact me. I am miserable without him and feel like I am losing his friendship as well as the chance for love. Is there anything I can do to make it better? Anything at all? I would really appreciate any answers, even those that tell me I am a fool for sleeping with him in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey fishdish. Thank you for taking the time to answer. You have been very helpful. You make some excellent points, especially about the girl. Even he senses that encouraging her is wrong but doesn't have the heart to turn her down when she calls for help. Writing to him is probably a good idea. I just wish I was sure about the way he feels. It felt so incredibly genuine. But the more I read other answers here the clearer it becomes that sex can be quite separate from love and quite an alluring option when available so that confuses me... So thanks very much for answering. Hope I get some more answers.
A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 let's take the friends first. you two are not involved with either of these people are you? The male you're not interested in, just tell him straight out, i'm sorry if i've lead you on in some way, but i do not feel the way you do, i'm actually interested in X, but would like to remain friends in the future when i return. he might be heartbroken, and he might be jealous of his best friend, but I think that he might simmer down pretty easily, especially since he'll have your being away to ease getting over you.
i would send a message to the gentleman you like, saying something like, "the only thing i regret about our night together was you second-guessing/ having doubts about us. I want us to try this thing out because I have such strong feelings for you that I don't want to go back to being friends" something like that.
as for the suicidal girl, you have to know that NEITHER of you are not doing any favors to her by treating her like a china doll and disguising the reality that this man condones her acting like a lovestruck fool. despite her instability, he's nuturing dependence in a way that is unhealthy if it is actually unwanted by him. i do think he should have the respect for her to just re-establish the friendship line and say i'm here for you, but as a friend, because i have feelings for Y. no one needs to know about the sex, you're right, that will just add salt in the wounds. if you (or he) establishes that you two have feelings for each other, the sex will soon be implied if you two make moves towards each other again.
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