A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes: I am a male who began teaching at a community college 2 years ago as a second career. Shortly after starting at the college, I began tutoring as a means of earning additional income. One of my first students was a recently separated woman around 6 years younger than I am with two daughters. We formed an immediate friendship that included sharing much information about ourselves. She had been married for quite some time (over 20 years) and had tried hard to keep her marriage together but her husband had been unfaithful many times and had kept them always financially strapped because of his spending habits. I had been married nearly 28 years and have two children grown and on their own (one is already married) and one child who is in high school. I tutored her for the fall semester. We stayed in close contact during the next semester and flirted whenever we were together. I again was her tutor for the following summer semester and our friendship became immediately stronger. There has never been anything more physical than a hug or holding a hand, but we talk very easily together and have found many common core similarities although our lives have been quite different. I also tutored her at her house and met her daughters (now age 17 and 8) as well as her mother on one occasion. I have gotten along well with everyone I think and her children have gotten to know me rather well although the younger daughter knows me only as her mother's good friend from school. We were definitely beginning an emotional affair. She knew all along that I was married as I never tried to hide this. She would even bring up discussions about having a future together if I were available and our conversations grew even more intimate, but never anything physical. She became nervous though and out of the blue was contacted by an ex-boyfriend who knew her from before she was married. He heard that she had separated from her husband and he was also now separated. They went out on one date together and then she asked him to move in with her. She told me about this after their first date but before he had moved in with her. I told her how I felt about her and wanted to stay in contact with her. Before I left, she said I could continue to call her if I wanted to stay in touch with her. It was obvious that she still cared for me, but was trying to not be responsible for potentially breaking up a marriage. I told her I would stay in contact and left. My wife and I have had many rough patches throughout our marriage, but I did not want to leave my children while they were growing up. Her parents didn’t even attend our wedding and quite a few years were spent until they and I felt at all comfortable together. While she and I never communicated well together, both of us adapted so that we could raise the children. We do most things separately though and have even gone on separate vacations for most of the past 8 years. My wife also works outside the home. Because of my feelings for the other woman and my confusion regarding my own marriage I went immediately to a marriage counselor. I did not discuss the issues concerning the other woman with the counselor, but focused on issues with my wife and our marriage. (I should also mention that our teenage daughter is very rebellious and difficult to control right now.) I tried to get my daughter and wife involved with the therapist to improve the home life. Both came a few times, but have stopped going. I know there is no way to get my daughter to go, but I would have thought that my wife would still want to go. Our marriage is deteriorating, we sleep in separate rooms, we have little communication and have begun arguing again as we did earlier in our marriage. I have continued to go to the marriage counselor to determine what I wanted to do. He still does not know about the emotional connection with the other woman although he may suspect that there is more to the story. I have brought up several times to my wife that it feels like I am playing the role that is usually taken by the wife to improve a troubled marriage, but my wife still does not want to go to the counselor. Late last fall the other woman increased contact with me and said that she had moved too quickly with the guy. We renewed out emotional connection again and set up a regular time to meet at both school and during workouts. The other guy also fully knows about me, but she has made it clear to him that I am a friend and that she wants to stay in touch with me. I have met the other guy on several occasions and he is obviously very nervous around me since he knows the situation. I know it is a complicated story, but now I am at the point where I am ready to make the move to separate from my wife. I am obviously hesitant though. My wife has refused to go to the marriage counselor and while she is certainly not a bad person, she has admitted that we have never been good at really talking together. It's obvious to me now that I really miss this connection and have enjoyed talking with the other woman about her future plans and mine and have done much to help her meet her goals. I am hurt that my wife seems to not be doing more to save our marriage. There are no questions about why I moved to a separate bedroom over 8 months ago. She makes little effort to improve communication. When we are both at home together (which isn't often) we largely stay in separate rooms to watch TV or work on the computer. Since this other woman continues to stay with the other guy (she has said that it will raise fewer suspicions about us ), I know that it is possible that she may be using me. Her boyfriend had been unemployed, but recently found a job. It could be that one of her concerns with him was his lack of a job as her former husband never liked having a job. (Remember that they are only separated though. She has said that she lacks the money to move forward with a divorce and her former husband is also now living with someone else as well). Any advice? What should I do. I really want to be able to date her. She has said that she would leave her boyfriend if I was able to see her. I don't want to force her to not see him if I was available to see her, but I would certainly want him to move out. She knows this. I would establish a separate apartment for myself though and would want to date her and see if our relationship could strengthen. I can probably continue to stay in my marriage if I don‘t pursue this relationship, but I have tried to strengthen the bonds with my wife through seeing the marriage counselor and raising issues that we have, but nothing changes. I continue to go most places by myself and truthfully would feel uncomfortable now doing most things with her since it has been years since we really did a lot of things together as husband and wife. We have a comfortable life together, but I think we are both lonely. I know this is a very complicated situation, but what should I do?
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female
reader, raluf  +, writes (24 May 2010):
i think you created the gap between you and your wife by always being at work and no time for your family,the ather woman is in contact with you and you feel connected because you are always with her instead of your wife. if the other woman was your wife and your wife the other woman,i dont think the situation would be any different. you moved out of your bedroom and you expect your wife to ask you why,she should not have to ask you, u should tell her whats up. she does not communicste with u simply because u dont communicate with her,u spend the time which you should be spending with her with another woman. i think you are the one who has a problem not your wife.
even if you get a divorce and marry the other woman,she will become what your wife has become because you will spend much of your time at work and you'll proberbly get some1 else.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): i really believe you are fooling yourself if you think you are trying to do the right thnig. i just feel sorry for your wife. and now matter how connivingly or convincingly you "trick" her character you will always fall sort. i have come across many many so called christian people like you who manipulate and connive and pretend to be good when you are anything but.......
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Thanks for the responses. Please continue. I am not surprised to see negative and positive comments. I’m sure I deserve some of the negative ones. I’m especially interested in women’s viewpoints though.It's good to hear honest perspectives. Remember though the timeline here is long. Well before I met this other lady, my wife and I were experiencing many problems. It was been years since we have gone on vacations together and we also very rarely attend events together in our own town. I've attended events by myself for so long, I am now fairly comfortable with it. We are both uncomfortable together at many events. The marriage counselor even gave us an assignment to go on a couple of dates together. We did. We had some fun on one date and then quickly went our different directions when it was over and the other date was painfully uncomfortable. I spoke recently with someone I have known fairly well for at least 7 years who lives in our same town ( attends same church. My wife never attends with me) and told him about some of our issues. He made the comment that while he was talking with me he was trying to remember her face and realized that he didn't remember ever having seen her. I was surprised by this as I also hadn't fully realized how long it had been since my wife and I have done a lot of things together. We have also come to realize that even while we were dating, we never had all the intimate discussions that you are supposed to have. I also became concerned with how I was feeling toward the lady I wrote about and resolved to do something positive and visit the marriage counselor. I went by myself at first, remember. In the past whenever another woman seemed to flirt with me, I basically ran away. This time I did not and I wonder whether my wife and I simply coexisting for the next 30 - 40 years or so is the right thing to do. I am very attracted to this other lady, but feel that if it wasn’t her it might be someone else and I’m struggling to do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): I find it unacceptable that you had the gall to lie to your marriage counsellor and that you openly discuss and crticise your wife and her behaviour. You have lied, coverered up the lies connivingly and convincingly. Your ommisiion of your affair is0 the crux of your marital problems. You are fooling yourself and certainly your counseelor. You and this other woman has created a web of lies. She is using her bf as a front so that she is nt implicated in your marital breakdown. Mr you have not tried enough. You are looking at this manipulative woman through rose tinted glasses. You are also fashioning your life. With the lies and you are mirroring her behaviour. You both are deceitful and both have no qualms about what you are doing. Yes by all means divorce your wife, you have been leading a double life so so long , it dosn't make a difference. You lie whenyou say you have tried to make the marriage work. You have set the scene to make it appear so. You should move on with your other woman: but know this: this woman is still legally married, she moved onto you you then pacnicked and found her ex bf, he moved in with her after 1 date. They are living together even having sex ,isn't it.yet you want this morally shallow person. While she is with her bf she is cheating on him with you. You are rights , its complicated. Now all you have to do is surprise your wife and add er to this disasterous mix. I am surprised that you are paying a counsellor, deceiving him yet decided to come clean here on DC. I have to warn you: we are not professional counsellors. Mere lay people who say it like it is. Disaster written all over your affair!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Get a divorce so your choices of women would be broader than unavailable, undecisive, and "user friendly" wives.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (16 May 2010):
 You seem to be confusing two separate issues -- your marriage and your infatuation. Understandable, of course, but your thinking is clouded.
A troubled marriage, particularly one of such long term, means that you haven't encountered many potential "others". You've met this one, and understandably have invested some emotion in her. IMHO you're ignoring some serious red flags with this lady.
Deal with your marriage on its own terms. If it's clearly not going to work, then walk away -- that's fair enough. But do not do it in anticipation of this other gal solving your problems. The fact that she's with another guy says to me that you're simply headed for more grief.
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