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female
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anonymous
writes: Yesterday morning my boyfriend calls me and He said he feels we need to take a break, or rather he needs some time to decide if he want's to be with me or not. He said his friends brought a couple girls over to his apartment and he flirted with them. He wished he could have been physical with them but he didn't because he did not want to hurt me. He think's it is bad that he felt this way. He said the next step in our relationship was to get more serious and he wants to make sure that is what he wants. He said there is no one else but he wants time away from the commitment part of our relationship to think about it but he still wants to talk to me and see me in the meantime. I really have no reason to believe that his intentions are dishonorable, he does tend to overreact to things such as this. But we have only been together for 4 months, and even at that we see each other once a week as we live about an hour apart so it just seems silly to take time off since we don't see one another much to begin with. He is quite a bit older than me, and was married for 2 years several years ago ending with the death of his wife (i had a thought that maybe its around the anniversary and he wants to be alone but dosent want to talk about it?). I basically told him that since he initated this, this time off means time off and that we are not having sex and I am fitting him in after my other plans and if he wants to talk to me or see me, he can call me or come see me. Everything seemed to be going well and this was a total suprise out of the blue, I dont know what to think! Does this mean he wants to pursue someone from his past but keep me around if it dosent work out..or that he is bored and thinks that time apart will rekindle his feelings? I really like the guy but I have noticed he has been withdrawn the last few weeks which in turn has made me feel kind of awkward...he said we would talk later that day and he hasnt called or emailed since. I really want to call him but I said I wouldn't and it's driving me nuts. I was always asking him if there are things I could improve or try harder with but he says I am perfect the way I am even though I communicate things that bug me about him. I am totally baffled. Is this a time off break or a cowardly break up? Is he playing games? How long should I wait?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): I did read your question properly thats the vibe I gathered from it may be a diffrent opinan then you have about it but I tried to help anyhow, from what you where saying it seemed like he was the less inconveniced one. But if you where happy with the situation why do you need advice?
You seem to know what you doing so good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry but that first answer is rather generic, it appears that you read only the first sentance of my post. We are both mature people and we've both been through hell so decided to take it very slow from the beginning. I finally got an answer from him where he insists that the break is not a easy let down (I asked him straight out if this was the case) but that he really does care for me and wants to determine if this is really what he wants and he feels that I should do the same before we continue on. He is not the type to play games, he did not make me comply to any conditions, if you go back and read more carefully, you'll see that those were MY conditions in response to the break and that I am not being a doormat in any sense as I told him that I would not put my life on hold for him, which does not necessarily mean that I would date other people for the time being, but that i would not sit around waiting by the phone either. We have had a very strong connection so far, I do light up when I see him, he lights up when he sees me, we make each other laugh and smile, and he takes me out, buys me flowers, and treats me well. I am starting to think that this is more of a "ive been through a lot and im starting to feel serious about you, and the last time i felt serious about someone i was hurt very bad so i want to get this all very straight in my head so that we have the best possible chance" kind of break, which is still frustrating but i can deal with that I guess.
The second answer seems more reasonable. I do want him to be with me because he likes me, not because it is convenient, and I do appreciate that he was honest an I could tell that he genuinly felt bad. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): First ask yourself this are you happy?
The answer is obviously no I dont see how anyone could be with these Terrible conditions he's Told you to complie with are you feeling special?
I dont see how you could be, The problem is your still honestly thinking about doing these terms and conditions to please him you dont want to lose him because your still caught up in the fantacy Come on its time to wake up now this is not a relationship four months you should still be on cloud nine the romance should still be there
you should be the most important women in his life I think you know this deep down he is not the one I can tell you now you deserve better. You may have to please yourself (be single) for a while and be more choosy about what men you let in next time round but its your life its your call!
he may want you around because your convenient you make everything so easy for him Dont be a doormat anymore take your Mind off him find some way to do this something an intrest that you loved before the relationship that has nothing to do with him put you focus into this its important for your wellbeing hes taking this away dont let him if you like yourself and want real Happiness be Brave end it now,
know that when you are in the right relationship you will light up when you see him and him you he will make you smile and laugh, he will take you out and treat you special. He wont pay that much attention to other women because he will think you are his beauiful woman he'll want to protect you and wont want to hurt you or see you upset this is not a fantacy this can happen,
But first you need the courage to find self esteam within yourself and even if this type of Love Im talking about doesnt work out know you will still be ok and you will find it again with someone else we only get one chance in this life we need pick the best choices for ourselfs! I'll Leave it with you now x
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (24 October 2006):
 There really is no way of knowing whether he is being honest and really wants to work through the feelings he holds for you or whether you are being kept in background incase something else doesn't work out, and you may never know, he may have flirted with this other girl and made him sit back and worry about how he feels for you and he so easily flirted with her if this is the case he is being very fair on you to work out how he feels without keeping you thinking everything is fine.
Whatever you do don't contact him it's going to be hard but you have to put your foot down, allow him to realise what life is like without you in it and allow him the time to miss you or not this is the best way for him to wake up and realise whether he wants to be with you or not and surely you would rather he is with you because he wants to be not because it's easier to be.
You cant be expected to wait forever and you will know when you've waited long enough and can't do it anymore whatever happens you feel alot for him so want to wait to see what comes of this but you should still put yourself first and protect your feelings from getting hurt anymore.
Good luck and I hope it all works out :o)
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