A
female
age
41-50,
*ostinSpain
writes:7 months ago, I left everything and moved to Spain to start a new life with my Spanish fiance....so I thought anyway. Things have not been easy for me (no family, no friends, no knowledge of the language, paperwork difficulties, etc) but they have started getting better....or so I thought, again. A month ago, my fiance informed me he had gone to see a psychologist. He said that he was no longer sure he wanted the same things I did (marriage, kids, etc). I was devastated. He then went to his second appointment with the psychologist and when he came home he said that the psychologist suggested that maybe he needed to move out of our apartment temporarily so that he could think about what it is he wants. My fiance says it is difficult to think when I am around because all he can think of is me and making sure I am taken care of. I believe he is dealing with some incredible feelings of guilt because after all I gave up everything and moved here for him and now he's not sure what he wants. We had an argument as I didn't think him moving out was anyway to sort through our problems. After him leaving for a day and me being so devastated I couldn't stop crying, he came back. Not only did he come back but the two weeks that followed were the best two weeks we've had since I moved here. He was more loving, attentive, and everything. We were even having incredible sex! Then, he went to see the psychologist again and that's when everything fell apart. He again told me the psychologist suggested he moved out for awhile. I tried to hold back as many as my emotions as I could and discuss this with him but it was HARD. He said he didn't want to leave and that he loves me more than anything. He said he'd rather cut his arm off than have me feeling pain. But he also said it was hard for him to think around me, especially when I was upset. Basically, he wants to be able to drop these bombs on me and have me just say "ok" without having any emotion.The next day, after yet another psychologist appointment and no discussion with me, he left. While he said it was temporary and only took one suitcase leaving most of his things here in the apartment, I decided enough was enough and packed all of his things for him. We met one night and talked and I no have a little more understanding what is going on but it doesn't make it any easier. He wanted space not only from me but from everyone he knows....friends, family, and me. In fact the only person he has even talked to about this situation is my friend's fiance who went through this similar situation about a year ago. While my friend's fiance didn't move out, he took every opportunity he could to travel for work and to be out of the house. Now, their relationship is stronger than ever and what I long to have with my fiance, or ex-fiance, or whatever he is now (I'm not sure). He is continuing to see the psychologist and says he is trying to work through this problem. He loves me and I'm sure there isn't someone else. Afterall as he put it "I am not sure about our relationship. Why would I want another one?" I too am seeing a psychologist for at least some support. I only have about 3 friends here, no family (though his family is being VERY supportive of me), and I'm feeling extra lost. Anyone have any suggestions, words of encouragement, or similar experiences to share? While I hope we will be able to get through this, I am also being realistic in that this may be the end. He may well decide after his psychologist sessions (he's going to be doing 10 more and the psychologist is going to try to help him overcome his fear) that he doesn't want the same things I do. While this will be difficult, I love him and just want him to be happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): Ah I see.
I agree with you. That guy from his work represents a conflict of interest. You are right, his job is to keep the policemen fit for duty, not to necessarily look out for their best interests, personal life-wise.
If anything, I think your fiance should see an uninvolved, unbiased professional if he absolutely feels he has to. I think the one he is seeing now is biased AND involved.
"As far as what my fiance has told me, he loves me but he's not sure he wants to get married or have a family.....EVER...with anyone."
A psychologist will not help him that well in deciding this. Especially a biased police psychologist. In my opinion your fiance is just spinning his own wheels there. This is a fundamental decision that only he can make. Relationship is about compromise. He might not be exquisitely happy with certain concessions he makes to you, and vice versa in your case. But in the end, you both have to decide whether its worth the sacrifices that are necessary for your relationship to work and be lasting.
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female
reader, LostinSpain +, writes (12 April 2009):
LostinSpain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have thought the same thing about this doc. My fiance is a police officer and this psychologist is the one who works in his office....with police officers. So, that takes the money issue off the table as my fiance does not pay to see this doc. However, I'm not convinced this is the best person to be helping my fiance with his "uncertainties." I feel this person's goal is to help my fiance do his best at his job as a police officer and that if there are issues, to rid them the easiest and quickest way possible so they do not affect my fiance's job. My fiance doesn't see this but......
I've spoken with three relationship counselors and none of them can understand why the psychologist would recommend my fiance to move out. The only other option has been if there has been something said during sessions that I don't know about. Doubtful but possible I suppose.
As far as what my fiance has told me, he loves me but he's not sure he wants to get married or have a family.....EVER...with anyone. He says that if he does decide he wants this, he wants these with me. He says he is going to the psychologist to get some help sorting through this because he knows that I want to get married and having a family is important to me and he wants to make me happy but that he also needs to be happy with these decisions. I agree. He does not want to give me what I want only to be miserable later whereby causing me misery as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): Some people view their word as gospel because of all their degrees and what not, but I'm sorry, psychologists can be such hacks. As a child, I was sent to one, and his "therapy" was calling my sister a wH0R3 and my mom a b^%$#, I got angry at him and threw a paperweight at him. And he subscribed me all kinds of medication [they get money for that]. Luckily my parents believed me over him.
My point is.. realize that shrinks are trying to make a buck. If someone doesn't have sufficient problems, some shrinks will INVENT problems so they can continue to have a person as a client and get MONEY. I'm not saying they all are unscrupulous, but you and your fiance should take a serious look at the possibility that his doc is just inflaming and even wholesale creating problems, instead of helping to solve them or giving peace of mind.
Because lets face it, if your fiance had peace of mind, Doc would lose him as a client. Good luck, but seriously look into the possibility that he has been ensnared by an unscrupulous doc!
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