A
female
age
30-35,
*LH
writes:So my best friend is my ex-boyfriend, who I am still in love with. We have known each other for 3 years, and I had just gotten out of a bad relationship when I met him that he helped me get through. About a year and a half into our friendship, we decided to give dating a try, but it got awkward because we tried to act different around each other. He was gone visiting his parents for the whole summer and it got hard, so we ended it. I never though we would be able to stay friends, but we got closer than ever. This has been 6 or 7 months and we spend all our free time together, playing around and watching movies in close quarters in his room. When we were dating we never did more than kiss because we were awkward together, but we have gotten more and more comfortable touching, etc. Last week, the day before he left for Spring break, we got really close, laying together and ended up taking most of our clothes off and he spent a long time rubbing my thigh, which led to me giving him a handjob and him rubbing my clit. It was really nice and I have been in love with him since I first met him and this continues to grow. I tried liking other people, but I know he is the one for me. I am never sure how he feels though, and we haven't talked about what happened, and I'm unsure as to how to bring it up. I'm not sure if it's a one time thing or if we will merely be "friends with benefits" or in a relationship again. Any suggestions as to what this means? Or as to how to bring it up in a discussion?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 The longer you refuse to face whats happening and the more you linger on trying to talk to him about things he, quite frankly, appears to care nothing about...the longer its going to take you to get over him.
Seriously you dont need to talk to him about anything...you just have to let go.
A
female
reader, SLH +, writes (14 March 2010):
SLH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess what I really need help with is finding the right way to bring up what happened. I am not good with tricky conversations so I just need help getting is started and how to approach it...
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2010): I am gonna give you some tough love here.You are making things up in your head. You can't draw conclusions about his intentions, his feelings based on how he treats other people, it has NOTHING to do with how he feels about you or what he intends for you and your relationship.Women make the stupid mistake every day of thinking that if they give a man their body, their time, their hart that he will "realize" just how wonderful they are....well, yeah, but if a guy hasn't told you he loves you after 6 months of that stuff, then your relationship is going nowhere. He sees you as someone he likes and he likes to date and he likes to sleep with, but nothing more....he has no intention of making you a girlfriend much less a life partner.You are simply in denial and frankly I don't think you care that much that he is using you. You are afraid to be alone and you like this guy and you like the challenge this non committal, non initmate relationship offers you. Fun and sex without the real realationship.You have known this guy for three years and you don't know how he really views you or feels about you or what he wants? Rubbish.He isn't your soul mate. The idea of a soul mate holds people back from finding a real relationship. The idea of a soul mate implies that there is only one person out there that could offer us a perfect love and could love us perfectly. This is simply a nutty idea. If soul mates exist, then there are many souls out there for each and every one of us.Him buying you a birthday dinner is the minimum he should do as a friend let alone boyfriend. Him acting as if he is jealous over some other guy you might be going out with is not a true indication of his love, it is an indication of his possessiveness and jealousy though....if he really loved you he would nail you down with a commitment of exclusivity. He hasn't done that in three long years.You two are just playing around. So stop making him out to be the love of your life. He isn't. Your friends tell you he doesn't want to get attached right now because he wants to focus on his career---and then the lie gets tacked on to he end, so he can support your first. This is the worst kind of projection you can have, to put motivation behind someone's actions that are totally benign.This boils down to he is just not that into you.It doesn't matter what the reason is that he isn't into you, career, timing what ever...he isn't taking this relationship with you anywhere.You are encouraged because he doesn't sleep with just anyone, he has to have feelings for them first? How the hell do you know the only feelings he needs to have for someone before having sex with them is he feels free from rejection and he feels you are a disease free woman and he feels you won't ask too much from him?Sorry, but you are completely delusional about how he is going to "realize" how much you mean to him later after he is gone. When he is gone, he will be sleeping with some other girl. He hasn't asked you to wait, he hasn't asked you for a relationship.If you want to KNOW what is intentions/feelings are for Gosh sake be a grown up and ask the man himself.
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A
female
reader, SLH +, writes (13 March 2010):
SLH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI used to think that the fact he doesn't mention anything about a future or his feelings meant he didn't feel the same, but then I noticed how he acts with other people. He always lets people contact him first, like his friends and even his mom and he makes way more effort to talk to and see me than he does anyone else. Though he has a hard time showing it, I can tell he cares if I like other people. For example, another guy I had a little crush on a few months ago was texting me when I was at his place and he got angry about it. Also, he got me a christmas present and bought me dinner for my birthday, so he does show signs of caring about me. I agree though, that he should show more. I believe that we will stay in touch after he leaves in July, I just don't know if it will be in a friend way or a relationship way. I have had people tell me he doesn't want to get attached right now, so he can focus on his career so he will have a way to support me first. I think that even if we don't part ways this summer as a couple, he will realize nobody else will love him the way I do, or even put up with him, and realize how perfect we are together. At least that's what I hope, but I believe we are soul mates. He's not the kind of guy to have sex with just anyone, he has to really feel something for them, so the fact that that happened has given me more hope than I had before.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (13 March 2010):
 Sometimes in life you have to take chances or live with regret. Telling him how you feel will put your mind at rest, it will have three outcomes.
1. He loves you and wants to stay intouch and build a long distance relationship with you.
2. He loves you but not in love with you, but wants to stay friends.
3. He wants to break off (I very much doubt this one).
Hope it works out, good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): You want to enjoy the time you have left with him.
It seems to me you already know the answers to your own questions and just don't want to admit to yourself or to him that you know. You are in a non intimate, non commited relationship and he is moving on in July for his career, he told you that and didn't say a word about how that would affect you or more importantly the "we" that you so hoped existed between you both.
It isn't there at least not enough for him to ask you how you feel.
If a man was in love with you he would move heaven and earth to be with you unless you are the type who is just pushing him away. Doesn't seem that fits here either.
Go ahead and admit to him how you feel about him, but it may just open you up to being further used.
I think you are fooling yourself that you should just keep silent and enjoy the time you have left. It isn't going to make the leaving any less painful, and in fact by speaking up, you may keep your dignity and self respect alive in your eyes and in his. Taking a casual attitude in his eyes is going to look like you don't care enough either to ask for what you want in life or with him.
That's my take on it, but what do I know, I'm 53! Been there done that!
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A
female
reader, SLH +, writes (12 March 2010):
SLH is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much to everyone who answered, all of you gave me a lot to think about.
He is coming back Sunday so I will let everyone know how it goes when I see him next.
Another thing I should add is that he is going to be moving away this July, to be placed some random place as a U.S. Marshall, so knowing that he is going to leave here soon makes me feel pressure to put our feelings for each other in order. One plan I had in mind was just waiting until not long before he leaves to have a conversation about my love for him, but that was before this happened. So now I feel like I should have it sooner. I'm just scared to have the conversation now in case his answer isn't the one I want, cuz I want to enjoy the time I have left with him....
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (12 March 2010):
Why can't you just be a couple if you mean so much to eachother??
Your spending all your time together and performing sexual acts on eachother...most people would call that a relationship.
Your in love with him, but is he in love with you?
I really hate to say it but if he can have you for sex and companionship but cannot commit to you and tell you he loves you, then he is basically just using you until someone better shows up.
Having sex with him will NOT make him love you (I just don't know why women think it will).
If you love him, I think it's time to lay your cards on the table. Tell him that if you guys are just friends then the sexual contact has to stop.
Generally I don't think it's possible for two people to remain happy as friends when one of them is still in love with the other.
How will you feel when he starts dating someone else?
He will enjoy all the closeness, all the laughs, all the attention and 'personal' treatment with you and will be able to walk away guilt free when the love of his life shows up.
Sorry for the tough talk honey but your so young to be dealing with this situation and it's probably hard for you to see how it really is.
Im so sorry but if he really loved you, he would have told you by now and he would have never let you go. The reason you don't know how he feels is because he's keeping silent so he can keep you 'on the hook' for all the good stuff until he moves on.
Im so sorry and I hope you find a way through.
Aunty Em xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): I think you should ask him how he feels about you and about your relationship. He could possibly see you as a friends with benefits. This has been going on between you as is for quite a long time.
And even though "labels" can be a confusing thing, they are important to the two of you and how the two of you define your relationship. You can't possibly know for sure what he feels or thinks unless you ask him.
I think you have been "going with the flow" and letting things happen long enough. Ask him and that way if it is an answer you aren't happy with, you will know it is time to look elsewhere for a love relationship. Hopefully, he will be happily surprised by your question, and you both can admit your feelings and solidfy your relationship with a commitment.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (11 March 2010):
He obviously likes you a lot and the fact you keep coming back to each other and feel comfortable together is good.
I doubt it is a one off thing, and it will probably grow. Keep in contact with him over the spring break, if he is your soulmate then no matter what happens, he will come back to you you can be sure of that.
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