A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I never really approved of their marriage, because she really rushed it and she is young, 23, while her husband and I are the same age, 29. They married 10 months after we all met despite everyone telling them to wait, because she kept pressuring him to propose. Recently, she told me she had yelled at her husband and called him an idiot in front of a big group of people who she works with and who he helps on miscellaneous projects. She says recognized what she did was wrong, but it was because "everything went wrong that day"and she was grumpy. Later she says, "I need to call my husband and bother him because he's probably playing video games." (She doesn't like him playing video games) He's in the middle of a game, she says she doesn't care and hopes he dies (in game) and berates him to download a movie she wants to watch so she can watch it as soon as she gets home (even after I had already offered to lend her my copy of the movie). When he said he's busy and he'll do it soon, after the game, she yells at him and says "NO, NOW. I'm the one who gives you sex, not (gaming partner's name) so you do what I say" I had to pick my jaw off the floor.. I could hear the hurt in his voice as he replied in any way he could to appease her and get off the phone. She hung up and just laughed like it was hilarious. She says all of these venomous things in a cutesy voice like it's a joke. Which is exactly how my abusive ex acted towards me, so I recognize the patterns.This is just one of many similar situations. She often calls him a little boy, stupid, dumb, ect. all in that cutesy voice with a big smile, in public even though no one else is laughing.She is a deeply wounded person and I feel it would make her worse to cut her off. I have compassion, but no tolerance for abuse... So I'm conflicted. I also don't know how her husband feels, but I feel a little weird asking him as we're not very close. Also, I know having been a victim myself, how we often want to hide the truth even when we really do want help. I know my friend would hate it if she found out that I talked to him without her, even though I just have both of their best interests at heart.Should I reach out to the husband to see if he needs/wants help or someone to talk to? Or is there something else I can do to offer support?If I do reach out to him what should I say to keep it from being too awkward and/or misconstrued?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 February 2018):
 You feel empathy for him because you have suffered abuse of a similar sort in the past yourself. However, everyone's situation is different and every relationship is unique. This is an adult man who, regardless of pressure, CHOSE to marry this woman. Now HE has to deal with the consequences and choose what to do about his wife's horrendous behaviour.
She is obviously a bully who enjoys humiliating her husband and has learned that her behaviour gets her results. If her behaviour makes you so uncomfortable (which I can fully understand), then you too have a choice in this situation. You can choose to say nothing or you can choose to distance yourself from her and, if she asks, tell her how uncomfortable her behaviour makes you. I honestly don't think reaching out to the husband is a good idea.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2018):
 I would be FRANK with her and tell her you don't want to be around her because of her behavior towards her husband.
My guess is... there is a LOT more to the story than you know and that is in this little post. Not that he "deserves" that treatment, but my hunch is there is more to it all - because WHY else would a guy SUCK that kind of crap up from his WIFE?
You could send him (anonymously if you prefer) some links:
https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/verbal-abuse/your-verbally-abusive-wife-what-can-you-do/
https://oureverydaylife.com/top-10-signs-abusive-wife-20830.html
http://www.thehotline.org/
Then it's up to him whether he wants to take that help or not.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 February 2018):
 It's not your life. It's not your marriage. Keep out of it, except possibly encouraging her to seek counselling about her issues with him.
Reaching out to him seems sly, regardless of intentions and will cause suspicion.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (27 February 2018):
If I was this fellow I'd be sure that you were reaching out for more than hugs and encouragement. And his wife would think that, too, if she got word of it. Just what you've said here makes me wonder whether or not you have other intentions.
Let the two of them handle things themselves with the help of relatives and/or professionals. Really, you could very well screw things up worse than they are now. Perhaps you should just minimize the time you spend with the two of them.
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