A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm currently involved with a married. We have been together for almost 7 years. He often says that he feels bad about cheating but keeps doing it. I'm not trying to take him from his family but I enjoy the time we spend together. He recently told me that we need to stop having sex and continue being friends but that's not what I want what should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 February 2009):
 Right on, sister! You won't regret it, I promise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to say thanks to everyone because you all gave me the courage I needed to put a stop to it. Of course last night he apologized for how he was acting and wanted to be with me and said that he was just going through a emotional roller coaster but I did the right thing although it hurt but I told him to go home and work on his marriage cause I'm done putting my heart on the line for his ass.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Oh heck! Its not THAT difficult to walk away!!Step 1: Do not call him. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever.When HE calls you, tell him flat-out that you are ending it. He's married; he belongs with his wife, and you have had enough. He will fuss and protest, let him vent - but no more than five minutes for the call - then tell him goodbye and HANG UP.If he calls again - and he probably will - DO NOT ANSWER THE PHONE. You do have caller ID, right?Step 2: If you see him in the street do not go over and talk to him. If he comes to you, just give a nod to acknowledge him, and KEEP ON GOING.Step 3: Don't go to bars or clubs or places where you will run into him.Step 4: If he shows up on your doorstep, don't open the front door!You have to have some grit and determination about this IF you really want to end it. Hopefully, the knowledge that he's cheating on his wife, and using you will help give you some determination. Look at it this way: he gets all the comforts of home; sex with his wife, and "free" sex with you anytime he wants it. Its not fair to her, and it sure as hell isn't fair to you. Its true that people can and do develop feelings for one another, but in your situation, these are not "legitimate" -why? because he's married and should be sticking to his wife only, UNLESS he is willing to divorce her and devote himself to you.Clearly he is not willing to divorce his wife. IF HE WAS, HE WOULD HAVE DONE SO A LONG TIME AGO!Think of your own future! Ditch him and give yourself a chance to meet a decent man!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I am no expert, but it is my understanding that when a person cheats there are many many reasons - and that often it is not that do not love their spouse (don't get me wrong - I think cheating is pathetic). I think your married man loves his wife and family - but loves how you make him feel about himself too. You take any little snippet of time he can give you, hang off his every word no doubt, he probably has little responsibility in your 'relationship' (ie household, childcare, monetary?)and you probably go out of your way to spoil him, nice meals new undies etc???...so it must be lovely....for him. Not like his marriage perhaps - he's probably got to mow lawns and fix taps and in his free time play with the kids...his wife is probably busy and tired so doesn't buy the sexy knickers....there's not as much "me" time for him in that house huh?
I wouldn't be surprised either if he has remained in this affair because of guilt and fear - he probably feels something for you too - but I bet a big part of it is that he feels like he has been a bastard to BOTH you and his wife...so he has tried to keep both of you happy - effectively leading a double life which has got to take a toll eventually. I think a part of it will have been self preservation too - the longer it went on the worse it would be if his wife and/or kids found out, I don;t know any father who would want their children to find out their father has lied to them and their mother for 7 years do you? there's no coming back from that, things would never be the same between them...so he didn't stop things with you in case that happened.
I think he made a very selfish decision 7 years ago - chose to solve a 'problem' by having a fling with you...he is probably a pretty decent guy who wouldn't ordinarily do anything so deceitful and selfish...but it felt good to be selfish at the time, you made him feel something he hadn't for a while..so he did it again...and then things got more involved and he got in deeper and deeper - and didn;t know how he was gonna get out?
As for his sudden set of morals and ethics...a bit late for that really isn't it...but I think this is again tied into wanting to keep this secret - and keep you 'happy' in some small way.
I don;t doubt that he has feelings for you - but not enough - not what you really want or deserve - and somewhere deep down you know that that is true. There is something very wrong for you that you have let this 'mess' continue for so long - you need to examine that and work out why you think you don;t deserve more than this affair so that one day you might have a 'healthy' relationship.
In my opinion you cannot remain in this 'relationship' - it has been one thing and it is impossible now for him to just decide it will be another type of relationship altogether. That is ridiculous. You have developed deep feelings for him obviously - and now he tells you you can be his 'friend'...it just doesn't work like that.
I think the only thing you can do is say to him that you are not content to be 'friends' - so he either is with you completely (yes - that means he leaves his poor wife) OR you guys end things completely. I think it will have to be the later from what you describe - which won't be easy for you and you will have to be able to follow through (I suggest you get some professional help/support around this).You have allowed yourself to be used for 7 years - don't you think it's time you stopped and had a 'real' life?
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic  +, writes (3 February 2009):
 As I said before, men are weak minded, it really does sound like he wants to give his relationship a second chance, but if you are still there offering it to him on a plate he will take it.
Have some moral courage and walk away for good. After all you are the other woman in a relationship, surely you don't have so little respect for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone that has responded is saying walk away in which I'm willing to do but its easier said than done. Its hard as hell to do. We still talk everyday and he still wants me I don't mind him doing the right thing if that's the case he should stick with it but if he's gonna cheat he shouldn't do it if he gotta feel bad about it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): Never mind thinking about staying in contact, or continuing, or not continuing to have sex - Walk way from this relationship NOW and don't look back!
He's cheating on his wife; he's not free to make a real commitment to you since he is not willing to get a divorce. I'm left scratching my head wondering why you both his wife and you) put up with this.
He is married, like it or not and cheating is in a real sense stealing from the primary relationship i.e., the one between him and his wife NOT the one between him and you. Sorry to be so blunt, but in carrying on with you he is breaking the vows he made to be faithful to her when they married.
As for you: why don't you let him go, be sad for a while, and yes, even angry that you allowed yourself to waste seven years on something that could not go anywhere?
Hopefully you will learn from this and in time meet a single man with whom you can have a real, loving, respectful and committed relationship.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 February 2009):
Obviously he has deeper feelings for his wife, the poor thing, so if you want more you are S.O.L.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee the only problem I have about walking away from him is that we both have grew deep feelings for eachother and he thinks that we can stop the sex but continue calling eachother everyday. If we keep in contact we will never stop
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (2 February 2009):
Leave him! It's not fair to put him in this position. Men are weak minded fools and sometimes need a kick in the backside, I really think you should look for a nice single guy and wish him luck getting back on track with his wife!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 February 2009):
Sounds like you will have to settle for whatever kind of relationship he's offering or tell him to jump in the lake and find someone who will give you all that you want. A rather simple choice if you ask me.
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