A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 25 and live at home with my parents. My father has always been somewhat "shady". He stays out u till late many nights and him and my mother have had argued on and off for many years. When they are going through a "fighting stage" (usually after my dads gone out every night and come home very late several nights in a row) they won't even sleep in the same room. I have suspected he is cheating on my mom for a while now. about a month ago I left something in his car and I found a ore paid cell phone under his mat in the front seat...it was obviously hidden. We have a family plan with shared minutes but this was a different phone. Then about two weeks later a friend of mine (who my parents have met) told me she had seen my father out with another woman who was not my mother. She said that he went up to her and begged her not to tell me or my mother. She would never tell my mother bc she isn't close to my mothe. Se told me she didn't want to keep it from me bc if it was her in the situation she would want me to tell you so she could tell her mom. But I wish I didn't know bc now I feel like I do owe it to my mom, who is a great women and doesn't deserve to be cheated on, to tell her. I really hope you will help me. It's eating me up inside and I am so angry at my father for hurting us all like this and disgusted. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2012): telling your mom isn't the same thing as meddling in their marriage (which you shouldn't do, their marriage is their business only and no one else's). Something happened, you came to know about it, you're just passing on FACTS. You didn't create this scenario - your dad did. But it happened. what's wrong with your mom finding out? would it be somehow better if she found out from another person besides you? if you don't inform her, does that mean that no one else should either? if you saw someone stealing from a shop, wouldn't you inform the authorities. if you saw someone abusing an animal wouldn't you call them out on it AND inform the authorities? Here you have information that someone has done something wrong and hurt someone else. Why wouldn't you call it out, in the name of justice, regardless of whether it's a stranger or your dad? wouldn't you be helping the wrongdoer to deceive wronged party if you kept quiet. I think you should inform your mom, but beyond giving her information and facts, don't try to influence her just stay out of it and let her decide what she will do with that information.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 November 2012):
Confront your dad, but let him explain before you jump to conclusions. There may be legitimate reasons for him to have been with that woman that doesn't involve cheating. So try to be reasonable. However, if your gut says his story doesn't pan out, pry until you get the truth.
Then tell him you're expecting him to come clean to your mother. It's his mistake and therefore his story to tell. But if you think he's going to chicken out, don't hesitate to threaten him you'll tell her yourself if he isn't man enough to own up to it. Throw in the guilt card.
I don't envy you, OP. But whatever you do, don't tell your mom unless you have conclusive evidence/spoken to your dad first. Sometimes, it's not what it seems and you'll may ruin a good relationship through good intentions. Ever seen Atonement?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2012):
 nope not your place to tell MOM
but for sure you can let dad know you are on to his games.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Don't tell. Your mother knows or suspects it. Let her deal with it as best she can. If she asks you for support be there for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): I'd tell my mother. Tell her. Its just the right thing to do. No matter what the consequences.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): Yes tell her. He got caught doing something he shouldn't have so he brought it on himself. You would just be allowing the natural consequences to happen. Your mom should know too so she can make decisions for her own life. I seriously doubt she will be shocked anyway. Why would you want to cover up for someone who has done something wrong?
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A
female
reader, Jellybean1726 +, writes (27 November 2012):
That's a really tough situation. It sounds like he's cheating but there's not a lot of proof. Did you read any messages on the phone? Was he kissing, holding hands or anything intimate with te lady your friend saw him with? I believe everyone has. Right to know if their being cheated on but if you know for a fact that they are. I would suggest talkin to your dad about this Let him know you found his phone and you know about the women he was out with. Tell him your feelings from his actions and that your mom has the right to know and he should be the one to tell her if he doesn't you will. Then your parents can go from there deciding what to do but I believe your mom has the right to know if she doesn't already. It could be she does know and that's why they fight. Mothers want to protect their kids from hurtful things so she might just put up with it because she thinks it's doing the right thing for her kids. You should also talk to your mom after she finds out and let her know how you feel and that you will love her and respect and understand her decision no matter what. It'll mean a lot to her and help her do what's best for her! Hope everything works out for you!
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (27 November 2012):
I'm 28 and my parents are going through a divorce because of something similar starting 2-years ago. Just from experience, stay out of it. Even if you know--just don't get into it. Even though they are indeed your parents, you are a separate part of their relationship.
I mean really, do you think your mom is dumb enough to not think something is up anyway? If your dad has always been "shady" and he goes out and stays out late, don't you think that after all these years she probably knows or just turns a blind eye?
Here's a couple scenarios. You tell your mom, she gets furious and divorces your dad. Now you'll feel bad because you told her because believe me, your parents tell you way too much information when you're an adult and somewhat involved in what's going on. Your mom and your dad might cry to you and tell you details of their relationshp you DO NOT want to know.
OR she thanks you for telling her and stays with him anyway. Then you're left feeling like that was a waste of time and then resent your mom for being a good woman that stays with a cheater.
So if you feel you absolutely need to tell someone...tell your dad you heard about it and that you don't really respect it. You're not going to tell your mom, but clearly, people have seen him out so it's gonna get back to her eventually.
I'd also like to add that I'm sorry you're in this situation. Now that you have this info you're now stuck in the middle and it's awful. Because you want to tell your mom, which may upset your father, but if you don't tell her and she finds out you knew, then she'll be upset you didn't tell her (if she doesn't already know). I know your friend felt like she needed to tell you, but really, she should have just kept it to herself or told someone else--you're the last person that needs to be the messenger.
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A
female
reader, Jellybean1726 +, writes (27 November 2012):
That's a really tough situation. It sounds like he's cheating but there's not a lot of proof. Did you read any messages on the phone? Was he kissing, holding hands or anything intimate with te lady your friend saw him with? I believe everyone has. Right to know if their being cheated on but if you know for a fact that they are. See if you can look at the phone history find the number he's talking to & look it up sometimes the persons name will come up. Maybe even talk to your dad about it too if y
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