A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:This is quite embarrassing but I met a girl online. I found out recently I have the chance to meet her. Really random and unlikely, so maybe its a sign we are meant to be? Either way all this time I still have not moved on and forgot about her. When she found out I lied about what I looked like she cut ties and said she never wanted to speak to me again. So we are both going to be at the same party coming up. I know I shouldn't assume we can be friends or in a relationship, especially right away. However since time has passed I feel it likely she has forgiven me. Do I try to speak to her? Do I just pretend it never happened? Granted, she might not recognize me since I have lost significant weight and improved my overall appearance and confidence since then.Please give your honest opinions, because if you feel it's not going to work I need to hear/read it so I can stop living in daydreams and try my best to move on.
View related questions:
confidence, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2016):
 Don't believe anything will happen with this girl. She's done with you and the lies. That was a finite line. But, you can use the opportunity to apologize in person. And then leave it at that. If she wants further contact, she will be the one to initiate it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2016): Hello everyone, I am the original poster and I just want to say a huge thanks to everyone for the advice! I think a part of me knew and somewhat felt this way in the back of my mind that it was over and I should move on, but I did not want to admit it. This is why I came online to an anonymous type forum to seek advice from people who would tell it to me straight and give me the truth. It has really helped me in seeing things from her perspective outside of myself and how it may appear. I don't want to come off as creepy, pathetic, and not respect her and her wishes. Plus back when it happened I did create a music playlist for her and send her pictures of Me and she did not seem to care or appreciate any of it! I think then she was so angry she was already over whatever we may have had and wanted nothing more to do with me.I feel this has been a huge burden weighing on me for sometime now for the loss of possibly a relationship, but perhaps I was searching for something in this girl that just wasn't really there. We mostly chatted online (we 'met' on an online forum and emailed each other on there) I think there were other signs even before she found out that I was lying that she wasn't as into me as I was into her. I feel she sort of originally chased after me and part of the thrill was in having my attention-which I could say was somewhat the same for me. After the 'chase' and again initially she was the one chasing 'me' things seemed to change somewhat. We would 'kiss' and mess around very flirty and at times sexual with each other, but at other times she would seem standoffish. Then I wonder why a couple of times if she was truly interested in me why she did not seem to want to talk outside of the forum, like on phone and text etc. Ironically I am the one who suggested we go on cam before she found out I was lying about my pics. Part of her reluctance from my understanding was a situation that happened with someone in the past and how she found herself too caught up in the online world. I feel bad for giving her a bad online experience again. As painful and difficult this has been--like literally knots in my stomach and tears I feel I have learned my lesson and realized the importance of being honest (which is the way I was leaning towards with this girl at the party anyways). I am going to focus on meeting and befriending other girls. I don't want to be reminded about the past and want to look forward to my future which as you all suggested most likely will not include her. Plus I think going back to her will be a step back in my newfound confidence. Honestly right now I just want to focus on school, friends, and enjoying my life. In the future I want to find a girl who in some ways is like her, but actually likes and accepts me for who I am, and of course that will only happen if I am honest and open enough to give her that chance. I hope my situation will encourage others to always be yourself, be honest, don't just focus on outer stuff but if it's something you don't like you can take steps to change it-for example for me personally that was losing weight and working on confidence. Thanks again!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2016):
 I am guessing that you have never met this girl before when you say you have the chance to meet her. This is why online dating can be tricky, because people lie about themselves all the time. So I really doubt she will be quick to forgive you, time does not gain trust in someone, and to her you where some dude online that lied to her, she probably hasn't thought about it since.
You have not got over her? You have never met this girl, therefore my advice would be to get out there and talk to other girls, don't be caught up on someone you didn't even know. Get out in to the real world and meet new people, try new things, be social.
I don't feel it is likely that she has forgiven you, I don't even feel it is likely that she will have thought about you since then. I doubt she would want to be friends let alone in a relationship, I think you need to accept this. Yes it sounds harsh but it is what happens when we lie to people.
If you have gained confidence great, talk to other girls and get to know them, but leave this one alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): You catfished her, that's seriously not cool and you need to respect her. She told you she doesn't want anything to do with you so you leave it at that. If a relationship - even a friendship relationship - was built on a lie then you aren't going to ever change that. Lying to her would've left her feeling humiliated and it's got nothing to do with how you looked then or how you might look now. You could be transformed into Ryan Gosling and the principle is you lied; so she isn't going to want to talk to you. Move on. By approaching her you risk coming across as kind of obsessed by her. When someone says no, respect that. She's said she never wants to speak to you again, by speaking to her you would just show how little you respect her. She could then chose to completely belittle you and tell others - who you might have had a chance with - about how you lied in the past and this could massively knock you confidence.Well done for building your confidence up, I suggest you work on speaking with other people there as you have a fresh start with them and leave her to have a good night. I hope you've learnt from pretending to be someone you're not; be yourself with those you meet and focus on your future instead of being hung up on a girl from your past.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (23 May 2016):
No. Leave her be. She already told you she wants nothing to do with you.
You lied to her right off the bat. This is your mistake and you need to learn from it in the future.
Forget about her. Just don't do the same thing to the next girl you meet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 May 2016):
 I think she rejected you with good reason. IT wasn't how you looked that she rejected, but that you LIED about how you looked. YOU cat-fished her. THAT in not cool.
Now, meeting her won't REALLY have changed much. YOU still lied to her in the past.
Most people might forgive you for that at some point, but are smart enough to want nothing to do with you in the future. Why do I say that? Because in their heads they are thinking... if he lied about how he looks, what else did he lie about? And, if he felt it was OK to lie to me, he doesn't respect me or think I must be rather dumb to not find out.
HER impression of you is FOREVER "tainted" by that lie. You can look like Beckham now, but you still lied.
SO keep that in mind.
My question to you is this, do you want to meet her so you can "get" her to like you and thus "erase" that first rejection?
Or have you just not moved forward AFTER her rejection?
You ask if you should PRETEND that you lying never happened. Which is what? ANOTHER lie. So you haven't really learned a thing from the first rejection. Let's say you get to talking and she is interested... WHAT do you think happens the moment she finds out who you are?
You can go to the party for sure, but BE ready to OWN your past actions if you talk to her. B humble and be honest.
My advice? stop chasing after this girl, you blew it with her. There will be PLENTY of other girls at this party and in your life you can get to know and WHOM you don't have a past with that includes a BIG lie.
And stop lying to people, because you WILL get caught. No one likes to be lied to.
Also GOOD for you to have worked on yourself and finding confidence. That will definitely help you with women in the future, just maybe not THIS girl.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): Dude! why are you stuck on one girl? ESPEIALLY after she rejected you! unless you wanna give the creeper vibe don't approach or talk to her. You are at a party that will mostly likely have tones of girls who are probably hotter then her. If you really want a second chance you need to chat up a ton of girls and when she see you being social with hot girls and not chasing her tail she may not think so less of you. She rejected you so SHE can approach you if she has changed her mind. So what you weren't that honest online! Everybody on those websites including herself has bent the truth to a degree. For future reference don't do this kind of thing man have some self value man!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2016): You are assuming that you will feel the same as before. Maybe you will and maybe you will not.
Say hello to her. See if you still feel attraction.
Be upfront and give her the chance to reject you again. That will not feel nice, but it may be how she still feels.
Say you are sorry that you were not honest. A face to face apology might be helpful.
Ask if you can start again and be honest with her.
If she is a forgiving type you may have a change. If she is not you will need to concentrate on another person at the party.
...............................
|
