A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:dear all, i feel devastated after i caught my husband watching porn and masturbating. we just came back from a vacation in italy and had a blast! im 27 and even though i hav 2 kids i have a good thin body . i. wat happened is that i woke up and was leaving my room to give my husband a hug in the middle of the night , when suddenly hhe jumped when i opened the door and covered himself with the blanket. what did u hide and wat were u doing!! i asked. i got closer and found out he was naked under the sheet. "im itching down there i think i hav an allergy," he said. his mobile was hidden under the sheets with lights on! i quickly took the mobile to surprisingly find a porn movie. we had a fight and he was denying watching porn and masturbating (like im stupid or something). i cant understand we hav a great sex life and i give him all he wants even if it doesnt satisfy me, we are also lovers and best friends. im hurt and i feel sick and ignored him all day. wat shud i do? thank u all for reading. best to all of u.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 November 2012):
 Two things I note:
You two sleep apart?
Sex doesn't satisfy you.
Snoring and such can be a reason not to sleep in the same room and not all sexual activities satisfy both partners BUT here is a thought:
He was horny and didn't want to disturb you.
Sex with someone who doesn't like it isn't much fun.
How true either is, I don't know but they add another dimension to the story.
"We have a great sex life" and "doesn't satisfy me" sounds like a contra diction in terms. How is it great? What doesn't satisfy you?
Some people watch porn instead of sex, some watch it in addition to sex and some just watch it because it is something to do. And loads just don't.
Why we do something often has more then one reason and that "doesn't satisfy me" line to me says there is more going on. Also the sleeping apart, is it snoring or another real reason or what?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): If you don't like him watching porn address it. I don't know if the problem is watching porn, jacking off, or lied to you about it. You have to figure that out and and address him accordingly. What ever it is talk to him about it and work from there.I know some are like what is the bfd so I will tell you what that is for those who don't approve. We don't like the fact that you are watching another person private parts and getting off on it! All of us are not insecure but damn many of us do feel disrespected when we see that. You are not just looking and turning your head but actually getting lubed up and jacking off to it. We all get horny so find something else to do. I know we are not going to be on the same wavelength so do something else. Read a book, crochet, clip coupons anything besides running to some form of electronics to watch porn . Do we not have self control anymore? It just makes the sex better when it happens. Its my opinion on the situation.You do what you feel is best but you were obviously upset so discuss what exactly what it was that upset you and move forward. Best if luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Watching porn doesnt mean he isnt satisfied, it just means he wanted a quick fix and thats what he felt like doing! Some couples watch it together and, I have watched it myself out of curiosity tho it did nothing for me but obviously for some people it does, its not a big deal it doesnt mean he doesnt fancy you! Its not cheating either, plus masturbation is perfectly normal he should be alowed to do it! Im pretty sure my husband watches it when im working and he's at home, and what i dont know doesnt hurt!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): You are beautiful and in great shape, but there are several reasons here he used porn: 1. you were asleep and he didn't want to bother you 2. The visual stimuli looking at variety - women who do not look like your wife is thrilling. 3. After years of marriage, he needs little of something different to view. No harm done.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Chances are if your not satisfied in the bedroom neither is he. You need to sit down and talk about what you really want. You said you were leaving your room to go hug him in the middle of the night. Why are you not sleeping together? Did you know he was horny before this happened? Maybe he was horny and just wanted to sleep. I know i do it sometimes when I'm sleepy just to relax and get more comfortable. I'm sure he just lied to not hurt your feelings and get into a big fight. I don't think it was a big deal. Your making it about you when it isn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): I can understand why you're upset about it, nearly all my bfs did it and it got two of them dumped. I think they would of done it to anyone they were dating to be honest. It surprises me when people ask what you're upset about it is obvious, it is the porn not the masturbation. Try to keep an eye on him it might of been a one off.
To anyone reading this who doesn't like porn use in a committed relationship tell them at the beginning so if you catch them you can say I told you I didn't like that, if they are mature they will understand and take it on board.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I guess I'm abnormal and think like a guy because my response would be BFD... so he looked at some porn.
Growing up my dad kept playboy and penthouse in his night table and I found "The joy of SEX" that my MOTHER had given him as a gift for fathers day (we got to see the TIE he got that year too)
I don't think that porn is horrible. The internet has made it readily available. My husband watches it. We've watched it together.
the issue is if you married him with the mandate that there would be no porn. IF so then he broke that rule and you must take action... personally for some women any porn usage is a deal breaker... and they would leave.
IF you have never discussed his porn usage then you have to decide what to do.
1. his use of porn is NOT a reflection on how much he loves you or desires you
2. it's not IMO showing disrespect to you.
3. a man (or woman) in a happy satisfying relationship will still masturbate... porn just makes it more interesting and gives variety that a monogamous person does not have.
you say you are hurt. why are you hurt? do you take his looking at porn as a personal insult? you should not. but then ask him... WHY... and he probably does not know other than... it was there an I was horny and you were not available and it's faster and easier...
you say you feel sick.... again what is it about him watching porn that makes you feel sick? do you think that porn is dirty and evil?
YOU ignored him all day... so you are punishing him for something that for most men is a natural act...
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
well if you want MY opinion (and again I think like a man here so most of the other female aunties will give you different advice than me) I think you need to grow a thicker skin... if it was straight vanilla porn (no kids, no animals, no slasher films, no scat play etc) then I see no harm no foul in his usage of it.
and you need to apologize for over reacting... but then that's MY OPINION...
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A
male
reader, Hennessy1989  +, writes (14 November 2012):
 Porn for most guys is a quick fix, it's not a reflection on you or your sex life. I don't understand people who get hooked on it and spend Money on it, but I agree with Eddie, he probably needed the release quickly and probably didn't want the effort or hassle of initiating sex if you were elsewhere
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (14 November 2012):
 I'll be honest, most (but not all) guys look at porn. Even more guys masturbate regularly. Even those that are happily married and most guys are shy to admit it. Is porn wrong? Probably... Does that mean he is not attracted to you or that there is something wrong with you? Absolutely NOT.
My guess is that he was looking at it because he was horny and you weren't around or he didn't want to bother you. He simply needed to get off NOW and didn't want any of the complications that goes with finding a partner.
However, porn becomes a problem when he becomes preoccupied with it, he interacts with the people on the sites, pays money for it, or neglects you. I am not sure if you are at that level right now but only you can answer that (and he can seek out help from a professional if that is the case)
If I were you, I'd talk to your husband about it. Explain to him that if he needs more sex, than you are willing to meet him half way on the subject. Also if there is something that he wants to do in the bedroom that you currently aren't doing, you are open to the idea of talking about it.
Also the next time you catch him doing it, why not surprise him and ask him why he doesn't want the real thing...
Good luck.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): It depends what you find the more upsetting the lies, the masturbation or the porn usage.
You have loads of options but you have to decide that yourself.
But do understand porn is nothing to do with your sex life as it doesn't have any effect on it that I can see. It's also just a tool like vibrator to make masturbation go quicker. Masturbation isn't a substitute for sex or even close to it it's just a quick release when you don't want to have sex but still want that feeling for a minute or two.
It would be very unreasonable to ask him to stop masturbating if it has no bearing your sex life. It's not unreasonable to ask him to stop using porn for that purpose though, if you don't want porn in your life and don't want a relationship with a porn user that's fine. But it's also not unreasonable for you to look for a way to be okay with it if that's better for your relationship and you think you can. Don't let anyone convince you that you have to hate it if you think you could find a way to be okay with it.
You should decide whether you don't want him doing it, whether you'd tolerate it as long as you never see any proof of it or catch him again and then discuss with him what happened and how you feel.
It's not okay that he lied when he was caught OP he has to apologise for that, you also say your sex life doesn't satisfy you that's something that also needs to be discussed but you also have to figure out ways in which it can be better for you. Maybe if your sex life was more satisfying this wouldn't bother you as much.
I wouldn't try stopping him masturbating altogether though OP I literally know no guy who ever really stops unless his penis doesn't really work all that well anymore.
Decide what this means to you, what you want, how you feel and discuss this with him.
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