A
female
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anonymous
writes:hi, my bf and i have been together 3 years, about 10months ago i saw my bf doing something which i have always qestioned in my mind. im 20 his 25.one day i was coming home afer school early , i opened our front door and walked in and saw my bf standing iwth is jeans down but with his underware still on and some girl knealing infront of him close to his penis area (no she was not giving him oral sex) i was just devastated, she moved away from him fast and he pulled his jeans up very fast with a shocked look on his face. i ran off to the bathroom and closed the door, he chased after me, he explained nothing aws going on and he was just showing her a scar he had on his upper thigh which was due to a injury he got in his old job (DOD) and she was thinking of joing that job soon and he told her of his experiences and showed her some of his scars, he was huggin me and stuff, and i was just so shocked i just did'nt ever talk about it again, but i think about it every day, do you think he was lying and they were doing stuff they should'nt have?
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (31 August 2006):
 You would definitely be better off without him. If someone is cheating, and is found out, the first thing they do is counter-attack by accusing you of snooping...My answer to this retort is that a person who cheats forfeits their right to privacy...Think about it, all the police forces, CID etc; would be charged with 'invasion of privacy' by all the criminals, if that were a valid point of view! Where would we be then, in a civilised world..
Sure we all need trust, but a violation of that trust invites us to look for clues..cheats are not going to tell us they are cheating, no more than a burglar will knock on your door to inform you that he is "about to burgle your house, is now a convenient time"!?!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2006): Some was a better and more generous word than most.
I'm sure she meant that.
*wink*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): Some men, not most men. ;)
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female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (22 August 2006):
 Hi there, Im not suprised you suspect him as that was a difficult situation to find your boyfriend in. The thing is most men don't think about there actions clearly. To him he might of just been showing her his scar harmlessly. I doubt he would have wanted to hurt you. I think thst you should give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. But warn him to keep his trousers on in future and keep that scar to himself. good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): It sounds like another man who is a predator of sorts and who knew his next prey (you)...he instinctively knew that you were someone who suffers from low to no self esteem.
Honey, you both need some individual therapy. He does not get to decide if you get to see a counselor or not as this is most abusive as he is with holding you from getting stronger, healthier and in turn sees this as a threat.
I say move out; seek counseling and tell him you still want to date but he has got to stop being abusive to you.
You deserve happiness and this man isn't giving it to you. If he truly loved you; he would want you to heal and get strong so that you could be happy.
*hugs*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all,coming to this site had made me feel like its not all in my head and that there is someting wrong.
Hannieseds your idea about writting a list of tings i love about myself is a good idea but the problem is that i don't love anything about myself at all,but ill give it a go and see if it helps.
Wild thaing thank you for your advice, i guess id like to move in with my family but also they have also moved into a smaller place since i moved out and now ther is no bedroom for me to go back too.i was talking to a councilor but once he found out about this he got mad an said i was not to talk to one anymore.Malyce_Synn72 thank you for your advice, he is a orphon, and all his life he got passed from one family to another, sometimes being beaten and emtionally abused by people in that family,he then got sent to a bording school and then into the armed forces.he is an alcoholic and is currently just started seeing a doctor to help with problems he has. also i just want to add the other day i was on our pc and notice about 2 weeks ago a link to a adult dating website for swingers and all this sex stuff, that was searching for women in our area was in the history, there was no other links and it had only been accessed once, im having trouble finding if he has a profile to this site.but i want to just ask him but i know the stress nad upset this will cause if i ask him if he goes to this website without further evidence. once again i dont have enough evidence to leave nad he will accuse me of going through his stuff and last time this happen he threaten to leave me and im soooo scared of being alone. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): It sounds like somewhere he had experience abuse/neglect and in turn his life decision are around that. Not saying we should excuse or absolve him of any responsibility; he is still an accountable adult.
Just he sounds to have traits that he is an emotionally abusive person. I am going to suggest you read a book by Beverly Engel titled "the emotionally abusive relationship~how to stop being abused and how to stop abusing"
From book:
Were you abused or neglected as a child?
* Physical neglect or deprivation-when a parent doesn not feed a child enough food or provide the basic necessities such as clothing, shelter, or medical attention if needed
* Emotional neglect or deprivation-when parents don't take an interest in their child, do not talk to or hold and hug their child, and are generally emotionally unavailable to their child. Alcoholic parents, in particualr, are often neglectful of their children's needs
*Physical abandonment-when parents leave a child alone in the home or car for long periods of time or do not pick their child up at a designated time and place
*Verbal abuse-constantly putting a child down, name-calling, being overly critical
*Boundary violation-not respecting a child's need for privacy, such as constantly walking in a child's bedroom without knocking (especially an adolescent's room), going through a child's private belongings as a regular habit (not as a way of monitoring a troubled child's behaviour)
*Emotional sexual abuse-when parents create an inappropriate bond with their child or use their child to meet their own emotional needs, the relationship can easily become romanticized and sexualized
*Role reversal-when a parent expects a child to meet his or her needs; to, in essence, parent them
*Chaotic abuse-being raised in a family where there was very little stability but instead constant upheaval and discord
*Social abuse-when parents directly or indirectly interefere with their child's access to his or her peers or fail to teach their child essential social skills
*Intellectual abuse-when a child's thinking is ridiculed or attacked and she or he is not allowed to differ from the parent's point of view
pages 59-60
Any or all of these may have occured to your boyfriend and to you as well.
This effects who we choose and why we choose them.
Part of being emotionally abused is when someone cheats on you; you in turn become someone who starts to "stalk" him. Very unfortunate.
You must have experienced abandoment as you are now caught up in replaying that out in hopes of obtaining a different outcome.
Please get some individual counseling and couple's counseling so that you both can address these issues.
*hugs*
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (18 August 2006):
 I would like to add to hanniesed's excellent post:
"i have no self esteem left and i hate everything about myself, i dont feel good about myself like i once did when i first meet him" This is key, so listen well: There IS a future for you where you can see endless possibilities. It is so close and within reach but you have to CHOOSE that future.
In order for you to choose that future where you see endless possibilities you must stop listening to your fears - they are lying to you like your jerk boyfriend lies to you. You can start heading down this path by packing some things and leaving NOW.
Don't worry about money - go back and live with your folks, even if you don't get along with your dad. Your mom and sister are the support system you need right now. Or go to a women's shelter - whether or not you realize, you are being abused. And they have access to the support you so desperately need.
Once you are on your own, go get some counselling and seek guidance to help rebuild your self-esteem and that positive sense of well-being. You once had it but you made a choice to abandon it.
This is the only way to get onto the path where you see a future of endless possibilities. Each day you hesitate strenghtens the grip your fears and your jerk boyfriend has on you and your self-esteem.
If you ever choose this path, you will look back to these days and wonder how you ever let yourself feel so unworthy. The opportunity and power to change your life is truly within your own soul. Take it now.
Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (18 August 2006):
 Hey girl,
Your response sent alarm bells ringing in me. I know how hard it can be to walk away from your first love and how much you just want to believe everything he says, but seriously girl, you have to open your eyes. He flirts with your friends? You feel the need to screen his calls? You don't respect his privacy and know all his passwords? This is no way to live, you can't be living your life through someone else like this. No wonder you have no self esteem left when he has done this to you. He has 'made' you feel the need to keep tabs on him and find out what he is doing behind your back. You are in a very unhealthy relationship. But I think deep down you know this because you said that you don't think it will work. You are saving money, and have been for a while without his knowledge, so oneday you can up and leave him - so deep down in your heart you have known for a long time that he is not good for you. He is damaging your spirit love. No man you love and who says they love should ever ever ever make you feel like you're not good enough.
What you need to do is get yourself back on track. Forget about your BF for the moment, push his problems to the side and concentrate on yourself!
I want you to go and write yourself a list of everything you love about yourself. Maybe have a think about what you used to be like before you met him and what you think has changed and why. But make sure you write a detailed list of 10 points that you love about yourself - it can be physical, emotional, intellectual, anything that makes you truely unique. Stick it to the fridge, keep it in your diary, just keep reading it everyday and see if that helps with your self-esteem, for now.
I think the only way you can truely get 'yourself' back is to start afresh, which deep down you really really want to do. I know you are scared and you think you might make the wrong decision by leaving him and you think you might regret it later on, but darlin you will go off into the world and you will find yourself again and you will eventually meet someone who is a knight in shining armour compared to your current BF.
Please don't let this man destroy you anymore than he already has.
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): Don't be so nieve, hell yes he was doing something. Have more self love and kick his ass to the curb!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much everyone for your advice, i have read over everyones comments.
I think deep down i know his been unfaithful but i guess im just scared of leaving, making the wrong decision - i keep telling myself what if his telling the truth and then I leave for no good reason.
I guess id also feel so guilty if i left him now, he is going through some tuff medical problems at the moment and im the only one his got to help him, his got no family and very little friends and no money. i know for awhile now he has not been doing anything he should'nt be, since i broke down and run away, he did say sorry for upsetting me or worring me and that he would do anything to regain my trust, i told him what he did wrong and why its not ok to do so, ever since then he has been all good, i know this for a fact because i watch him like a hawk which he does not know,i screen his calls, i know all this passwords to everyting even the ones he thinks i dont know about, luck for me im a hacker ;). I want to talk to him about all this stuff but in the past he has just had a go at me and yelled at me and been very defensive and i get scared he will leave me so i im the one who ends up saying sorry, I think i know within its not going to work out because i have been saving money he does not know about so just in case i hear something or see smething again i can just leave ,at the moment i don t have enough money to go out on my own. i have no self esteem left and i hate everything about myself, i dont feel good about myself like i once did when i first meet him, i have no friends to turn to because all the friends i did have now don;t visit me because he flirts with them and that makes them feel uncomfortable -they have told me this, i only get along with my mother and sister but not my dad so moving home is not a option, i guess i feel abit trapped, i also feel like im not good enough and he flirts and gets involved with this other girls because im not good enough, i guess i know if i leave him ill be alone, his my best friend, my first bf nad my first lover, i so scared of being alone and having no one, but i know if i am alone atleast then no one can hurt me. thank you all
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 August 2006):
Based on the posts since your reply, there is a general consensus by people of widely varying backgrounds, and I will paraphrase it thus:
"Dump the bastard now."
But if you must cling to some misplaced hope that he has turned around his cheating ways, then may God have mercy on your broken soul.
We eagerly await your feedback on our counsel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I think he cheated on you back then, and he has probably cheated on you throughout your relationship.
I know some really terrible things that guys do behind their girlfriends backs and your boyfriend sounds just like he is one of those.
I try not to give such direct advice but... dump him, before he dumps you.
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (17 August 2006):
 My dear girl, even if he was showing this girl a "scar" then I am sure that the showing of the scar would have led to somethig else given the chance. It sounds to shady to me. Give him an ultimatum and he he wont then perhaps you should show him the door. All the best xXx
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female
reader, snowbird +, writes (17 August 2006):
Give him a few scars to match, and perhaps a few emotional ones to match the ones he gave you!!!
Then GET OUT of that damaging relationship and find someone who can be SEEN to be being honest with you..
BTW, IF , and only IF he was telling the truth, why was the girl even in the house when there was no-one there. Surely if you were with a guy alone in his house,(whether you knew him or not) and he was about to start dropping his trousers..WOULD'NT YOU JUST RUN!!!!????
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): LIARHe cheated!You seem suprised about the scar why would he show someone else and not your gf?Dump him.you say you go to school, so i bet he been doing this regulary when you were away!! You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 August 2006):
 I think you may be in for a lot of heartache with this guy. Your choice if you want to keep forgiving him. I got to admit tho' he makes up great stories, "showing his scar"...snort
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female
reader, in turmoil +, writes (17 August 2006):
hi, i think that it does certainly sound quite odd but at the end of the day if he was just showing a scar, and come on some men are rather macho about these things then you should just tell him that behavior like that is unacceptable, ask him how he would feel if he came home and saw you lifting your skirt up in the air and a man just inches from your body, I don't think he would like that scenario at all.Maybe if you ask him to think before doing silly things like this and take a second to think whether it is appropriate.But if this is still playing on your mind, then I suggest that you have a good look at your relationship and see if there are not any more under lying problems, I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (17 August 2006):
 Showing her a scar, I will have to remember that one.
Read your post as though it was not who who wrote it.
Ditch this guy and his scar.
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female
reader, smeedle +, writes (17 August 2006):
 Ditch him, he is lying and was caught, you love him and he knows this and is using this to manipulate the situation.
Read what you wrote and take off the rose coloured glasses, you came home early he was caught with pants down.
For god`s sake stop torturing yourself do not waste another second on this bloke or this relationship, finish it and walk away do not turn around and hold your head high, get back your self respect and move on to someone worthy of you.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 August 2006):
"iv always wanted to talk to him about it yet i dont know how to bring it up!"
Is there something wrong with using the direct method? Your self-esteem and self-worth are on the line. You may not have noticed their slow but sure erosion since you caught him ten months ago, but it's happening!
You say things are great, but I say he is just getting better at covering his tracks. When you choose not to confront him about his cheating and make him confront the reasons behind his behaviour, it is just license for him to maintain the status quo of his cheating ways.
To this point, has he proven that he can remain committed to you, or is he just telling you what you want to hear so that you get off his back? I judge people by actions, not by what they say they are going to do.
It sounds like you do not dole out your body to several men. Will you accept this standard from a potential life partner? Are you satisfied with 50%? 33%? 25%? Less than 100%? Are you willing to trade your self-esteem for the companionship of someone who doesn't deserve it?
In the end it is your choice. Just be sure you can handle the consequences of your choices. Good luck and take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): I think it is more than emotional cheating. That he had some woman over at your home and was in a state of undress...
That he was surprised and jumped away and she scooted away quickly...
My boyfriend says that it sounds like there was a way of showing the "girl" his scar and to not be a complete moron and put himself in a situation where his integrity would be compromised.
Ten months ago or not; you can not trust him as you have the texts...put the two together...
I say you need closure on this. I say you tell him how you feel and what you are struggling with.
You want to get over this, it needs to be dealt with. You know he has been unfaithful, you need his recongnition and an apology.
In the end, you will have to be willing to forgive him to trust in him and he needs to prove to you he is trustworthy.
Couples' counseling is needed. That would be a good start.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes we are still together, we have had our ups and downs, within the last 10months i found out he was emtional cheating on me with someone else, i found weird texts on his phone from a female i do now know ,the texts containing things like "i dont lke to share call me when your single", i had a go at him and told him i did not trust him anymore and ever since i went nuts at him and broke down everythings been all great, but i always think about ths incident and i just dont know what to think, iv always wanted to talk to him about it yet i dont know how to bring it up!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): It sounds highly likely that they were "doing stuff they shouldn't have." Almost certain.
But you say this happened 10 months ago. Why are you questioning it now after all this time?
Are you still together? How is it going?
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