A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, hopefully I can get some advice. Last week I caught my boyfriend masterbating. I had always assumed that he did it because pretty much everyone does, but I was really offended that he would do it when I was right in the other room. I tried talking to him about it but I think he was just embarrassed and he told me it has nothing to do with me or his attraction to me. My problem is that now I can't get it out of my head. I feel like we worked it out and he made me feel better, but now I just feel like he's doing it all the time. Every time he goes to the bathroom I get totally freaked out that he's in there masterbating instead of coming to me for sex. I know if I bring it up again he will just get upset. I know I'm totally overreacting but I can't help but think everytime he's in the bathroom or the other room he's trying to get off really quick without me knowing... It's bothering me so much I'm afraid it's going to hurt our relationship. He's the love of my life, what do I do?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 March 2009):
 Hi, I think you might be overthinking this whole thing. He's not masturbating ALL the time, right? So let it go. I think sometimes people in relationships get the sense that they own the other person's body and all of its sexual expression. It's part of a new relationship, to lower all the boundaries and feel as though the two are one unit. Yes, they are in a relationship, these two, but they are still individuals, and in fact, the boundaries will come back in. Very few people can manage to be 'joined at the hip' with their partner all the time.
If he does masturbate, it's probably just a quick stress reliever and has nothing to do with you. His penis is still his; you haven't taken ownership, he hasn't handed over the keys to it, if you understand my point there.
I think his mistake was getting caught.
One of the other posters brought up an interesting point too; he may be doing it so he can last longer with you. Maybe his sex drive is higher than yours and he wants to spare you the need to 'service' him all the time. Just a couple of alternatives there for you to consider.
You're going to have to break this cycle of worry you've set yourself on. It's not his problem; it's yours. Instead of worrying what he's doing when he's alone, why not examine why you are so insecure about this. Why is this pushing that worry button so much for you?
Hope this helps a little. Take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): Do you yourself masturbate ? If so, Does he see you do it ? Or, every time you are in the mood for sex, do you jump his bones ? You feel like he does it all the time...so what. That is better than him going out and having sex with someone else. You have to look at masturbation as a simple form of release/relief. It is natural and healthy, fun, and it feels good. if you are so worried about how often he does it, tell him that every time he feels horny and wants to masturbate, he should let you know so you can help him do it. Try laying beside each other in bed and masturbating together. You might find you enjoy watching...I know he would.Stop worrying so much, and don't be offended, he is right by saying it is not done to spite you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): It's probably not about you. It's probably not about your sex life.
He most likely is used to doing it often, long before he met you. For many guys, masturbation isn't necessarily to do with not having an available partner (although an available and willing partner is a very wonderful thing!). But sometimes a quick tug is just about being selfish -- he doesn't have to worry about whether it was good for you, about whether you came too. It's no work, no worry. And sometimes it's to help make sure that you *do* come too -- so he won't go off too quickly.
You'll have to decide if there's a problem in your relationship. But if there wasn't before you caught him, it really might be nothing to worry about.
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