A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:About six months ago I developed a friends with benefits deal with someone in my dorm. We had fun in the very beginning and then she got attached to me and as much as I would have enjoyed being in a relationship with her I just don't think it would have worked out. It continued for a while and then some stuff happened and she really got pissed at me, and I feel terrible for all of it. I have tried to make it up to her and we do eventually make up, but she no longer wants to do any more friends with benefits things because she feels like a piece of meat after we get finished, and I keep telling her that I only have the best intentions for her and I don't try to use her, but she feels like crap anyway. So we stopped and then we made up but are still friends.However, I guess because of the stuff (not friends with benefits) I did before she really feels that I am "draining" and I exhaust her, not only because we argue over the smallest things but because she doesn't feel like we have anything in common and that hurts. We bonded over the friends with benefits thing, and now that it's gone, she feels like we don't have anything in common. So, she wanted to "take a break" from us hanging out since it's the last week of school for us and she wants to focus on her work. By "break", she means that we can still talk, but not hang out (we hang out like never now), and she just wants to be neutral until time passes and summer comes. I don't like waiting and I feel like she is trying to gain power over me because it seems like she is totally over it and I am still hurting because I tried to do everything for her to help her feel better about herself (she is emotionally weak sort of and doesn't like herself that much). In all honesty, I never meant to hurt her with the things I did, they weren't even that bad, and I only tease her, I don't mean to start an arguement, but she always thinks that I'm trying to antagonize or something. She has two friends whom she always hangs out with and I used to hang out with all three of them but they hate me because they feel that I'm not worth her time and she shouldn't bother spending time or talking to me because I "drain" her. I don't know what I should do, because I still feel that bond from friends with benefits and it aches and I want to be friends because we could talk about everything on a heart-to-heart level...and now she just doesn't want anything to do with me. Have I really hurt her? I want to know what I need to do. I want to know what I should do to get over this, because while I know she probably isn't and wants to be friends, she never shows it because we never hang out anymore and I am saddened by that because we really, at least I thought, got along well. What should I do? And what is going on?(Mod Note: no sane minded person would normally read through a wall of text. Please us proper paragraph formatting next time.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2009): Thank you everyone for the posts. I do appreciate it. The way it turned out lately is that I basically spilled my guts to her about how I feel about this break, and how I am somewhat of a wreck without her. I know it was just FWB but I miss her and I miss hanging out with her, and I miss her company, and I miss her needing me. It's such a tough situation. Worst part is, she doesn't feel the same way! I text her saying, "Miss you 3" and she just sends the same thing back, and I know she really doesn't mean it. It hurts me, because I see her every day in the hall of the dorm we live in. It just sucks, and I don't know what I should be doing! I feel so retarded because I fed into this and I thought that by spilling my guts about how I feel, maybe she would understand, but it just seems like it's feeding her and she doesn't really seem to care. Ahhh!!!
A
female
reader, Susan Walsh +, writes (24 April 2009):
"...as much as I would have enjoyed being in a relationship with her I just don't think it would have worked out." Why not? As someone who blogs about relationships and hooking up, I see guys say this all the time. I wrote a post called "Sexual Attraction + Compatibility = Nothing?" http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2009/01/26/hookinguprealities/sexual-attraction-compatibility-nothing/Girls are really tired of hearing this: I’m really attracted to you. I have a great time with you. You’re awesome, you’re the coolest girl I know. Your friendship means a lot to me. I don’t want to date you.”Research, (and real life experience) shows that women are not necessarily cut out for FWB relationships:
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): I must say that I have had this problem before. Im 24 years old and all throughout middle school and high school I had the same BFF. We did everything together and everyone said we should date but we just put that as weird. Finally he ended up asking me to prom and the whole night I just felt this whole other attraction to him that had been there before I just never acted on it. The night of the prom I lost my virginity to him and we dated on and off for the rest of the year and summer. We went to the same college and after the first week we broke up for good. As i looked back on our relationship I realized that most of it was based on casual sex and this lust that we had always had towards each other. We started arguing all the time, we couldn't even go out as friends without wanting to rip each others heads off. I think as a woman I was definitely emotional about it and even though he tried to make it up to me I felt like in the end our friendship was ruined and from now on we would just be really great FB's. I ignored all his calls and stopped hanging out with him completely just so he could feel my emotional baggage without telling him to his face, but then one day he stopped apologizing, stopped trying to make something up to me that i was clearly stubborn about. He even started dating again. I was so mad he had turned the tables on me and now i was the one who needed to apologize. Take it from a womans point of view we do these things just to get under the guys skin until he breaks down and does our bidding. I know its going to be hard but just try to ignore her for a little bit, do exactly what shes doing to you. If she still doesn't care then maybe it just wasn't meant to be but trust me if she really does have feelings for you as a friend or with benefits then she will come to you and you guys can have a serious talk about where your relationship is headed. Hope everything works out for you in the end:)
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