A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am divorced,have huge trauma for marriage and relationship. about a half year ago, I met an European guy on one SNS and agreed to have a casual relationship while I am in holiday in his country. (I never had a casual relationship before but at this time I was curious somehow.) After nice holiday(he was in tears when I left) , he wanted me to come back to his country to spend time with him again. Schedule is OK but there are something which I have to sort out.He told me he wants to some work together, live dayily life, and enjoy sexual relationship.Also he wants to grow trust and openess but NOT love.==I told him my honest feeling and situation. I am scared if I will feel strong attachmentif I meet him again and again. Probably say goodbye would be difficult after sevral time meeting. Also I was bit insecure about my finance.Why I am the only one who has to pay so huge expense for casual relationship? If he doesn't feel it is not going to be love, better to find someone in local isn't he?==His answer washe will pay my flight expense.(I don't think he is rich enough not caring to pay such a huge expense like more than 1,000Euro) Is it normal for casual relationship???Wishing I can keep handling the relationship we have.that is --currently there is no one around, but if there are some interesting girls around his life, he will sleep and also still want to see me so much. (I can do the same he said) that I must understand as a rule.He will try to come to visit me in 2012.His push was real hard and strong for second meeting.Also he get temper very easily. My remarks makes him sometimes temper and he shout to me that I am making a drama.(example: I don't want him to sleep with my friends on SNS to prevent complicated troubles. AND If there are another girls please go to see them , then I will not go to visit him) Actually, he doesn't pay attention to me on SMS but talk to me almost everyday on telephone or skype.I became insecure and anxious to fail to keep this rule-- and started to talk about feeling more than necessary sometimes. I started to believing I need love for second meeting. Probably I wanted to run away from pressure. I don't know. But I also feel fear to love him since long distance/ it might annoy him. after few weeks talking, I said finally say yes for visiting again and asked him to tell me schedule.few days ago, he said to me he has financial issues that makes him difficulties to tell me schedule.I was very shocked but say OK. then later I was frustrated to see he talked with another girls on SNS that makes impression he is playing with my feeling.(for some reason I believe also He has bit now financial difficulties too) Then he started to say I am jealous girl who makes drama for unecessary stuffs. I should have devoted to him(I was surprised to this remark) , not making noise for jealous. He told me he lost long time ago feeling to meet me. I said sorry and said I didn't prefer fake peace, rather honest. also respect his decision whatever. I feel guilty,heavy, and confused. Keep silence. ocasionally we speak. now strange thing is I want to see him. I cannot sort out anyrhing now.
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divorce, insecure, jealous, long distance Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear all
My confusion is over.
He started to push and asked so many times to show my flight schedule
Then he started to provoke me to like confronting again and again I can kee the rule or not etc.
I lost feeling already and felt so much to need my protection.
He finally said I cannot handle anything.
I said even another girl asked about him in the last November I kept silence and never had any mess...please would you stop please ?
He again said to me I make so much mess and dangerous.
He told me he doesn't feel good because financial reason and mess etc.
"of course I don't mean I don't want to see you but I cannot do"
I knew it. I was right . I said 12 hours I can keep fight but not any longer "bye ". He plays game push and pull. I don't do it. He said he will delete his Sns count so let him do. I really felt being insulted and played my feeling : enough is enough . Bye bye Is the last word
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am saying no no no no and Finally started to say "you would not be happy if I start to wanting to have a serious commitment after second meeting don't you? So let's stop it now before it will get a serious trouble please. I am not so strong "Skype account is disconnected already, I do not take phone ,Finally I am thinking to deactivate SNS account (it is not Facebook)It would be a trouble if he write sething imply about our one night stand.He told me he is reading everything what i post my work and what my friends write and remember ..I was hurt so much by the previous serious relationship. I thought not bad idea to try casual relationship in distance to feel I can keep boundaries and easily disconnect and not under pressure of love and it's decision . But this handling is much harder than normal relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks . Yes I know it will never be love.I am not upset about it.I don't feel love and I know he will never love me in his rest of his life.I had a big failure of serious committed relationship and tired to think about love then mistakenly I has once a casual relationship with the this guy:Also I do not love: love is not born so quickly and I never meant this relationship as serious from beginning. It was like a bounce , and curious how is look like a casual relationship .:and thought about end as one night stand. I know it is wrong if I need love, but now I am lost about love. I will never have casual relationship in my life again. I thought it would be easier to end not so hard to say no so many times.Pushing is kept more than 4 month just for sex !!!We have known each other nearly 8 month.And I live in Asia and he lives in Europe. There are so many cute young European or Asian girls in Europe for sex as well.He is very hadsome , tall and a lot of charm to attract women.I really cannot understand what the reason he keeps on to me.Whenever I say no he get angry and shout to me I dump him. But there is no dump in this relationship since we don't love!!! Once I went to business trip 3 days and not able to access any Skype ,SNS or even telephone.this 3 days absence and disconnect makes him panic. I told him he should find sebody serious or casual in local so many times. That naked him angry too. Clear saying no makes him big big anger...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): You need to say a big fat NOOOOOOOOOO to all of this. He doesn't want anything more than what he is stating here- you don't want that so just say you're not interested.
He is pushing you because he thinks he can get what he wants out of this as he senses you are easily led, not because he is suddenly going to decide he wants more than a casual relationship whose terms are defined by his needs, not yours.
It's not like you're that involved with him at this point- you visited him once I guess? I don't see any benefit in this relationship for you at all so find the courage to end it and look for someone who cares about you and who doesn't have so many problems.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 honey he does not love you
he will not love you
he has told you this
he WANTS SEX that is all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry update. He satiated to push again again and againI asked reason then answer was I do not being jealous to his friendship on SNS. He said to me he need me but not love ...He wrote me email that there is no girl for sex or romance in his life nowJust I am the only one to feel comfortable. "it is just between us. I am not talking with another girls on SNS and don't know most of personal contact. Please feel secure and come to visit me. I need you for work and life "I am tired ..:and I am scared to disconnect him .Didn't know causal relationship is harder than relationship. If it is casual what the reason he sticks on me so much ? Local girls could be replaceable and it is reasonable !Should I say yes for second trial and cleary say not anymore face to face?
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A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (11 January 2012):
 yep never sell yourself short.
Your worthier than to be treated like crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): "He told me he wants to some work together, live dayily life, and enjoy sexual relationship.Also he wants to grow trust and openess but NOT love."
He told you what he wants and it's not what you want, so just write him off as a lost cause, don't waste your time on him. Don't ever agree to something that you don't want in a relationship. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso it is not fair that he pushed me to come to visit him, then
Suddenly turn over to say "I lost my feeling long time ago"
I scene he wanted to find some reason why he cannot do now in outside of him(not financial sudden struggle )
He even suggest me to move to his country ...
But when he lost his feeling , he should have told me..not keep on pushing me. Most of the things what I say was not from jealous though he always say I am jealous. Perhaps he knew what he is doing.
Holiday romance was good to heal my past trauma.
I didn't need to feel fear to stay with a man in the same room finally.
Lived like married couple as he said.
so I appreciate and decide to forget how now he treats me.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 January 2012):
He only wants a casual sexual relationship nothing more.
I agree in the long run for you it's better to end contact with him.
he's not kind; he has a temper; he has money issues...
other than worry you get nothing from him... let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry I think I am shocked to be told he lost his feeling long time ago since he asked me the day before I am willing to see him or not...
Also I was bit confused sometimes he showed me strong jealous and acted like love.
About SNS. He told me I have totally wrong ways to see. He is not searching girls, just "chatting" on comment. I decided leave it and believe it. I have my good friends there. I enjoy communicate with them and treat my real life better.
He started to pay attention on my SNS forum and talk to me gradually. He call it process.
I will try to be independent for my life thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. Sounds I was so frustrated not fixing the schedule so long.
He shouted to me on SNS, I am totally wrong how I look at his forum. So I decided to believe him and stop being jealous.He has his own fun. It is OK.
I have some good friends there, so I decided to enjoy with them. Never mention about schedule anymore.
...then he started to pay attention to me and talk to me.
He said he will never give me away...but how?
I am not sure I love him or not. It is OK for second meeting without commitment. I am not ready either.
But, Perhaps I am so scared to feel attachment since casual relationship has no happy furture.
thanks I will keep furthure silence
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (10 January 2012):
It sounds like you want more and have a different idea to what a relationship should be than to what this guy does.
He told you he has lost his feeling to see you again.
This is clear to you that this relationship wont work out. Your both very different in how your viewing things.
Dont feel guilty you did all you could. If the relationship is not making you happy move away from it.
I would cut all contact with him and try to give yourself some space to heal.
Goodluck!
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