A
male
age
41-50,
*rushed111110
writes:Maybe this has been asked for but I did not find it here.My dilemma is somewhat simple, but is heart-rending to me.I have a friend who is a girl. We have been friends for about a year. Sometimes she has called me her best friend. I have developed strong romantic feelings for her, and to be honest, I had them when we first became friends.She is very pretty and has many guys after her, and she has made it clear she sees me as "a brother"--but nothing more.It has gotten to the point that I get so depressed after seeing her and knowing she goes out with other guys and exchanges flirty emails and texts with them (I once stole a glance at her email and at her phone)...that I just don't want to see her anymore.I feel guilty. I don't want to sever our friendship, but I feel I have no other choice. Should I suffer and continue? Or should I hurt her and leave the relationship for self-preservation. And for women reading this: how can a woman call someone a best friend and not be interested romantically?Thank you so much for your advice and help.Peter
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): I't not "bollux" you just din't wnt to accept she's not interested. It's not going to happen. Untill you accept that you won't be able to move on.
A
male
reader, crushed111110 +, writes (13 November 2010):
crushed111110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers but I still want to know if it is possible for man and woman to be best friends as you say then why is it so hard if not impossible to keep the friends after marriage? I do not know any couple who has a best friend of the opposite sex, usually the couple wants the husband or wife to the best friend. So I think this best friends business between man and woman is bollux and just an example of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Maybe it works if the people grew up together or are family friends but otherwise it is bollux!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Sure that she can call you her best friend and not be interested romantically, why not ??
Friendship and romance are very different.
Friendship is a psychological and intellectual connection ( shared interests, compatible personalities, similar sense of humour etc. ) WITHOUT the sexual attraction and romantic feelings.
Don't underestimate the physical attraction factor , it's very important in a relationship.
One can appreciate a friend's wit, loyalty, intelligence,
character, etc.etc. and have a great time with him/her , without desiring ( or even thinking remotely possible ) being intimate with him/her.
Maybe you should not have started a so called "friendship " with someone you had a such a weak spot for. I guess deep down you thought that hanging out frequently , you were gonna have the time and the chance to woo her and "convince " her to like you back.
Some times this works- but , alas, much more often it does not. The chemistry is either there or it just isn't.
I would vote for self preservation. It must be really difficult for you right now, if you put some distance ( make it quite a bit of distance ) between you ,you can move on, pursue new interests, meet new people, and hopefully find a girl that will see you definitely NOT like a brother.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Well, you may not think two people of the opposite sex can't be friends but i can assure you they can WITHOUT any romantic involvement. I know friends who have best guy/girl friends and they have never been interested in a relationship with them, one of my friends said it would be like dating her brother because the grew up together and she just didn't see him that way.
I think you need to except that it is possible. This female friend doesn't like you in that way, from what you've written and that's going to hurt but by clinging on to the hope that she secretly has feelings for you is just going to stop you from meeting somebody else who could be your next girlfriend.
What are you going to do when she meets a new guy? If she gets a boyfriend? If you don't start letting go now it's only going to lead to more heartbreak.
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A
male
reader, crushed111110 +, writes (11 November 2010):
crushed111110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice.
Walkin'Dude: I mean, I do not understand how someone can like another person of the opposite sex as a "best friend" and not also have it become romantic. Let me put it this way: if you had a boyfriend or husband, and he had a "best friend" of the opposite sex, wouldn't that bother you? Wouldn't you be wondering, 'Wait, if he has a best friend apart from me, then what am I?' I know, if I had a girlfriend/wife who had a male best friend, I would be confused/upset.
It seems that if someone has a best friend--a real best friend--then emotionally and spiritually you have found a soul mate...and that should translate into a life partner. I just do not understand this he/she-is-my-best-friend-but-I-am-not-attracted-to-him/her business.
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A
female
reader, whatsgoingon +, writes (11 November 2010):
I'm in a somewhat similar situation. Seems to me, and I could be wrong, that she is not willing yet to commit to anyone and wants to play the field, test her prowess is the man department as it were. It might be best to put some emotional distance between you and her, difficult but not impossible, see her less, but remain in her life, and develop other interests. Then if and when she is ready to commit, and knows what she wants, you may be in the running or not, but wont be as vulnerable to being hurt, and will have established your own network of friends and interests. But you wont be at so much of a disadvantage.
Hope this helps!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): How can a woman call someone a best friend but not be interested in the romantically? I don't understand what you mean by that. If you're best friends then she cares about you but not in a romantic way just more like a brother.
I have a feeling you're hoping there's some underlying meaning to her telling you she sees you as a best friend, but there really isn't.
If you think being friends with her is just too hard then you have a couple of opitions. If she knows how you feel about her already then tell her you would appreciate it that when you are with her or talking to her you don't want to hear about any guys she's dating because it hurts you. If that doesn't work try not to talk to her as much and cut back on the contact a bit.
Maybe you should think about dating again, going out and meeting women might stop you obsessing over her so much.
Also, you should stop looking at her emails and phone because it's really not your business and i don't think she would be too pleased if she found out. Once you accept that all you are ever going to be is friends then maybe you can start getting over her.
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