A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I think more than advice I need to put my thoughts into words. My boyfriend was about to commit suicide three weeks ago. He lives with some friends, and as someone is always in the house his friend was with him, noticed he wasn't doing well, and kept him company. My boyfriend sat outside, on the balcony, for hours. It is winter and below 6-10 degrees Celsius. My boyfriend was not wearing any warm clothes, and sat out there for hours thinking about jumping. His friend just sat there with him, tried to get him to wear warm clothes.. This was early morning and through the day on Friday, three weeks ago. What happened next was that my boyfriend decided to call his sister, and told her what he was thinking about. His sister called her mother, the mother called the friend, and the friend brought my boyfriend with him to the emergency. No one informed me. My boyfriend and his friend left the emergency without getting help as the waiting time was too long, and my boyfriend just got up and left. They came home, and he went to sleep/just laid down.I was supposed to meet him that day, but he didn't pick up the phone. After a while I called another one of his friends who also live in that apartment, and this friend told me my boyfriend was just sleepy because he was tired. He said he had had an exam that day, which was probably why he was exhausted. I believed this and let him be. No one told me what what going on. The next day, Saturday, I went up to their apartment to surprise my boyfriend with lunch, as I still didn't get an answer on his phone and I thought he was just sleeping in. Then I was told what happened, once I arrived at the apartment. Long story short, I got my boyfriend to the emergency again, and this time we got help, and he was placed in the hospital, where he still is. Everyone wants to visit him, which is nice I guess, he's popular and has many friends. But as he has depression and is not at all in a good place right now, he can't handle having people over all the time. So the doctors laid we can only see him for 30 minutes at a time, and only maybe 2-3 people a day. Now, I thought at first that this was good, he was tired, but I am being squeezed out of this.. again. I felt like I was a non-person in his life when no one informed me what happened on that Friday three weeks ago. His mother also told me, when I said I would take him to the emergency, that I needed to let him choose for himself who he wanted to bring! That maybe he should bring this friend of his instead!And now, his parents have been flying in to see him every weekend, which is great I guess, but because they travel so far to see him they get him for hours, and he is totally exhausted and don't have the energy to see anyone else. Other times, his friends are all there. And my boyfriend can't tell them not to come, he isn't in a place right now where he can lay down boundaries. He tells me to come by each time I ask, and only tells me he is too tired when I suggest I can come another day instead. But the others aren't this careful around his needs, they just pop by as if it was nothing. So, since I am trying to not drain him from energy, I am the one who gets to see him least of everyone. I really miss him, it hurts to see him this ill, and it is just.. I dont know, the final straw that I am being pushed out of this, that I don't get to see him because all his friends have been coming by and he's exhausted. Or when I do get to see him, there's always someone else visiting him at the same time. And then there's that thing about his friend and family not even bothering to tell me something was wrong. I just have no idea how to handle this. I just saw on facebook that another one of his friends was flying in for the weekend, I guess to see my boyfriend. So now there's that too. Even less of a chance to see him this weekend. I was hoping to see him today, I haven't seen him since Tuesday. But when I called earlier he was too exhausted because his parents had just been there for hours.. (!) so I was to call later in the afternoon. So I have to sit, on hold, just waiting to see if it will be possible to see him today.The doctor said he will be fine again, but it takes so long. I don't know for how long he will have to be in hospital even, and being pushed out of his life like this just makes a shitty situation even worse. How do I deal with this?
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 February 2014):
 Most welcome. Best of luck. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ciar. He did offer to read through some cover letters I have written (Im in the process of finding a new job). The cover letters are just under one page, so maybe that will be a good place to start, for him to feel useful and get achievement. Me just telling him he's doing great doesn't have much effect, he is still thinking that he does everything wrong.
I think you are right about him not knowing how to let out anger. Maybe it will come one day.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (2 February 2014):
Another thought I had and this is more about his depression in general. I've noticed that in an attempt to support the sufferer and help them recover, well intentioned friends and family often unwittingly pressure them to take on far more than they can handle. Whatever steps your boyfriend takes will have to be small tasks that provide quick or immediate rewards (such as those letters). It must be things that don't require much effort and that he can benefit from quickly. It is on those successes that he can gradually work his way up to bigger ones.
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female
reader, Ciar +, writes (2 February 2014):
For someone in the midst of depression, the most simple tasks can seem overwhelming. If he had the inner resources to establish boundaries he wouldn't be depressed and in hospital. It's a catch 22. So he has to deal with things in small, bite size portions HE can handle.
I don't think you're being selfish here at all. Quite the contrary.
Perhaps having his friends send him letters or emails instead of visiting him would help. He doesn't need his 'game face', he could read and respond at his leisure and having them would be helpful if he's awake in the wee hours of the morning when things seem worse than they are. Plus having a plan, even a small simple plan, would empower him.
He could send out letters to his friends (and family if he chooses but he might not feel as comfortable asserting that boundary with them yet). Keep it brief and focus on the positive. He's thankful for all the concern and feels lucky to have such good friends. He wants to keep in touch and hear about what's going on in their lives. In fact he could use my earlier point about having them to read in the wee hours as a selling point.
Include yourself in this. This way he doesn't have to feel bad about not having much time or energy for you and others won't see you as trying to monopolize his time. You can offer to post the letters for him.
I believe your boyfriend is angry but he is depressing that anger, pushing it down, because he doesn't know how to express it effectively. By anger I don't mean a toxic rage or that it's at any one person for a specific thing. I suspect it's caused by his discomfort with establishing boundaries with those closest and most important to him. He's afraid that by being honest about what he wants and doesn't want he'll alienate those he cares about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"You said he gets tired over 30 minutes; and you're keeping to the rule. You're claiming others are pushing you out. Which is it?"
It's not contradictory. Because others do not keep to their 30 minutes he gets so exhausted he can not see me. Today I was supposed to go see him. I have seen him for 30 minutes on Tuesday, that's it for this week. I was hoping to see him today. But because his parents were there for so long, he got so tired he smashed his phone and couldn't have any more visitors.
His mother just called me, I had asked her if we should meet this weekend. She wanted me to me her and her husband after they had been to see my boyfriend. Which means, I wouldn't get to see him at all because of the visiting hours. I asked if I could go see him together with them, because I think he will probably be too exhausted after their visit. She said no, that she didn't think it was a good idea! They were going to go shopping! I can't believe it, he's been locked up in that hospital for three weeks, and now they come along and are going to take him out shopping?! And I am not to come along. And after that, I bet you he WILL be too tired for more visits. If you don't call that pushing me out then what it is?
She just said "But you can see him another day, why would that be a problem?". That's what everyone thinks. I've seen him for 30 minutes this week because that is how everyone else thinks.
I can't sit there when he sleeps, he needs to be alone when he is down and tired. I actually listen to what the doctors have told me.
I have a need to see my boyfriend in hospital, how can that be so difficult to understand? Of course I want to see him, it's only natural.
Thanks for sticking out with this post though, I really really need to get this out of my system. I almost told his mother off on the phone, saying that I actually do wish to see him and it is important to me as well... Without biting her head off. I think she got insulted anyway. But she annoyed me so much with this "of course" attitude, to taking him SHOPPING for around 2-3 hours on a Saturday in one of the busiest shopping streets in the city. How can me tagging along possibly be bad if he supposedly, in her mind, can handle a shopping trip for that long? I don't get her. And then the "but we're only here for three days". That's actually close to half the week, if she bothered to do the math.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): You're contradicting yourself. You said he gets tired over 30 minutes; and you're keeping to the rule. You're claiming others are pushing you out. Which is it?
How does he get so tired with you, yet others get to stick around so long? Come on.
Stop making it about you. See him when you can, and appreciate the time for whatever amount you can get.
Stop implying people are hogging visiting time to purposely push you out. Thoughtlessly depriving you of your time to see him. There is no evidence of that; and all I see is that you're making it about you.
See him when you can. If he is so out of it; then he's not all that aware of people around him. Until he regains full cognizance of those around him, you're more there for your own benefit than his anyway.
He has a lot of friends and his family is concerned about him. So it sounds like he's getting plenty of support and you should be glad, not acting like the outpouring of support is depriving you of some right. You're not his wife.
If they get there before you do, and in numbers, that's the breaks.
The most important time is once he is released. Your support will mean everything. Don't give up on him unless you see that nothing you do seems to help.
I understand you feeling left out. It's great that he is so well-liked and loved. He's lucky to have you and so many people who care about him. If it makes you feel better, stay a little longer even if he is tired. Sit by his side while he sleeps. He subconsciously knows your there.
For now, making a fuss isn't doing either of you any good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhiseOwlE, he is very ill, depressed, suicidal. He does not think rationally, nor do I expect him to tell everyone else off when he's got more than enough thinking about himself. He doesn't ask for anyone to come see him, but he doesn't tell anyone no when they want to come see him, even if he does not have the energy. Even people that are not close friends of him!
I know I am important in his life, and he's told me so each time I have been visiting him. But I stand back more easily than the others, because I see that he is tired. I suggest to meet at another day when I talk to him, whereas others will just inform him they are coming, and he doesn't feel he can say no.
The staff placed that 30 minute rule there, and then want him to be able to tell visitors when the time is up. But he doesn't. Yesterday his friend was seeing him for a long time, and my boyfriend really does not notice he is exhausted until after the visitor is gone. Hence the 30 minute rule, to avoid this exhaustion. When he is exhausted he withdraws, tries to cut himself, today he smashed his phone for instance, because his parents had been visiting for hours in addition to doctors appointments. It's too much for him. I told the nurses this today over phone, that he doesn't know how to say "no", and that people who visit him do not respect the 30 minute rule.
When I have visited I have kept that 30 minute rule, always, and he's thanked me for it several times because it helps him. So it is very frustrating when someone else who is NOT his girlfriend, gets to sit there for hours with him (I miss him terribly, and it takes a lot of strength to leave after only 30 minutes).
I don't know why his parents or friends didn't tell me he was ill. I can only imagine it is because they weren't thinking straight/didn't realize how seriously ill he was. That, or they've actually shown me how unimportant they think I am in his life. I really have no idea why they didn't tell me, but it is not a good place to be put in. Imagine for yourself what it would be like if your partner was this ill and no one told you. It goes a little bit beyond whatever they feel about me, this is not some private little secret of theirs, it affects me too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): If everyone else is just popping up unannounced and get to see him; then that's what you have to do. That, or you have nothing to complain about.
What is everyone supposed to do, stop feeling concerned? They have their own selfish reasons, so maybe you need to be a little more forceful and assertive. Push your way to the front of the line. He's your boyfriend.
This is not about you. It's about your boyfriend. If others want to see him, they make it their business to be there.
If he's too tired, then the "staff" will regulate visitors. That's not up to you anyway. Go see him. Get there as early as you can; and if someone is there, ask if they will shorten their visit or exchange places to allow you in.
His mother's comments seem peculiar. It would seem she would place his girlfriend ahead of his buddies. Yet she suggested it be up to her son. No one informed you he was ill? They kept all this from his girlfriend for so long?
Why would they all not allow you in; unless they purposely wanted you out?
I feel there are a lot of details being left out here.
They would want him to be with you more than anything if they felt that would speed up his recovery. Get a message to him through the hospital staff, that you haven't been able to get in to see him. If he wanted to see you; I think he'd be asking for you. Don't you?
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