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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I have been dating my boyfriend for more than 2 yrs now. We are very much in love and he is the best guy I've ever met. Even so, I can not forget about my ex. I have been with my ex for 18 month but this was 6 years ago! We had a big fight and he would never have been the right for my and I'm not for him. He left me in a very horrible way and I somehow could never realy forget and forgive what he had done for my. Well I could for some years, but when I started to date my actual boyfriend, I saw my ex in town (we did not speak). I was wondering what he was doing so I looked up in the internet and saw that he is working very near where I live no. A year later I saw him again (never talked to each other) and again I had a look at the internet to see if he's still working there. And so I discoverd his blog and homepage and saw, he is married now and since I could never stopp to look at the internet. I think I am jealous, because I would like to get married, but there is no sign about it. I'm also not sure if I don't still wait for my ex to say sorry.My boyfriend knows, that I'm always looking at my ex in the internet and he blocked the pages in the internet for me (I wanted him to do this). But as soon as I'm on a different computer - I go and have a look. I don't know what I can do. I want to stopp it. I love my boyfriend very much and I want to forget about my ex and don't want to waste my time and energy on looking up in the internet. I'm very confused and don't know what to do. I don't want this to destroy my relationship. Any adwise? Please help!
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
I have a feeling you might be thinking something along the lines of "how could he move on from *me*?!" Sort of like he shouldn't want to be with anyone else, even though you should be able to. I don't think it's too uncommon to feel like this, though. Even though you two broke up a while ago, you did still date him for a while and you just now found out that he is married - it's a shock.
I don't really think that it's the ex himself that has you all confused, though. I think maybe it's because you wanted to show him up, perhaps? Like why should he get to move on and get married and all that sort of stuff before you? It's like you get some kind of strange satisfaction from getting upset. When you looked at his page and saw that he was married, I am wondering if you said something negative about the wife... Like "eww, I can't believe that he's married to that piece of trash! haha!" To me, that again would point to you not really being happy with where your *own* life is. It really has nothing to do with your ex or his new wife...
I think there are deeper issues here. I feel like maybe you're angry about all of this because you can't control the situation... Do you think that might the case? Perhaps control issues are a problem for you? Maybe you were used to being in control of the relationship with your ex and now that everything is out of your hands it's driving you crazy...
I'm not going to recommend counseling or anything, but I do think that maybe you need to look at your life and think about whether or not you're a control freak about things. Maybe if you focus on that, the feelings you have about your ex's situation will go away.
Or maybe you feel the way you do because you always feel the need to have the last word? Maybe you were looking forward to the day that you could indirectly tell him "I'm better off without you - look how great my life is!" I suppose this is another control issue, though. You would be "controlling" how your ex would feel...
Does this make any sense? I'm just trying to make suggestions that would point to possibilities of why you would feel this way, because like I said, I don't really think this has to do with your actual ex boyfriend or his wife.
For now, I would focus on things other than your ex's page. Instead of going to his page, why not do something that would be positive for your relationship with your new boyfriend? If he has a site, visit it! Leave a sweet message! Email him and tell him something nice. Or even look at more interesting things online - surely pretty much anything would be more interesting than your ex. Who really cares what he's doing. For all you know, he may loathe his wife. He may have felt pushed into getting married. But it really doesn't matter. What matters is the relationship that you're in now.
You know, it's okay to wonder about ex's and what they're doing. I think most people do that. But you can let it take over your thoughts and get in the way of your current relationships. And what are you going to gain from spending so much time thinking about your ex and who he is with? Nothing! And what could you lose? A boyfriend who obviously cares very much about you if he's still around after you told him about the ex.
I think it's great that you've blocked the sites from your computer, but you also have to *want* to stop looking at his site. As I mentioned, try concentrating on your current boyfriend and stop getting obsessed over an old flame. It's possible - you just have to take an active role in getting over this guy and gaining control of possible control issues.
I hope I've helped. I know how frustrating situations like this can be.
Take care.
A
female
reader, geordiegirl22  +, writes (6 June 2007):
 I know how you feel hun, i was with my ex from 15 -18, he was my first love, and it took me 2 years to even think about getting in a relationship with someone, i had petty flings but that was just to try take my mind of things which did not work.
I too was just recently in a serious relationship what that i loved him more than i could ever have loved my first love, but things did not work out. but now i find my first ex has bought a house, and has just had a baby, he isnt happy, but i am a tiny bit jelous.
but i will get over that, i no i can love someone more than i loved him so i no it wasnt rite, it just hard when you find someone has moved on to something that you want, but havent quite found it yet. x
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