A
male
age
,
*rushpopper
writes:A little background: I was one of those that had that "fell in love at first sight" scenario's. I had been separated from my 1st wife for a year or so and became friends with this beautiful, exciting woman. We both arrived at the same location within 2 weeks of each other and after a 3 month friendship we became more than friends. We finally became married and I knew that she drank a lot but did not realize how much until after the wedding. for the first year and a half everything was fantastic and I could not believe how lucky I was to have found her. She began to get defensive and suspicious of any woman I was around whether it was friends of ours or co-workers. I found out that not only was she an alcoholic, but she was bipolar also. We had our ups and downs and knock down drag-outs and went to jail (for the first time in my life)for domestic violence. It was always because of her drinking and mistrust of me, and dragging up our past. We separated for a couple of months and she got on some medications and We both found new jobs, in a new town, new people, starting over basically. Things went well for almost a year and then she started drinking again and began to rant and rave about all the things we had done to each other in the past. I felt that I had tried everything, I hoped that our separating would wake her up and she would see what she would lose if she kept on this way. but she became so angry and violent that she began throwing and breaking things that were not ours, i kept trying to cover up for her and hope she would come out of it, but it got worse and she was beating on me and throwing chairs and glasses and coffee pots at me. I eventually called 911. she went to jail and I filed n order of protection. I had everything on security video, so there was no doubt who the aggressor was and who was the victim.I feel that I know what answers will be posted, but I have to ask; Why can't I just let her go. Why can't I quit thinking of her and wondering what she is doing and what would she think of what I am thinking. I feel that I should start the process and divorce her but everytime I get ready to, I cannot bring myself to go through with it. Are there any suggestions or can someone offer some advice?
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 August 2011):
 Has your wife ever been to any kind of treatment or counseling for her drinking problem.
You know you can not live WITH her addiction, but you love the core person of who she is. You love the Dr. Jeckyl without the Ms. Hyde.
If she has not had ANY real help, then I sit down and think "How much of a chance am I willing to give my marriage to get that awesome person back?".
Have you thought of giving her a "grace period", while living in seperate quarters, for her to get her act and treatement together?
If you have already done that and there are no more chances, then I would suggest finding yourself a good grief counselor, maybe someone with experience in domestic violence and addictions.
Sadly, some people you can not save from themselves and you need to love yourself more than them.
Best Wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): The healing process after breaking up with someone you've shared a lot with and cared for deeply can be a lengthy and complex one. To watch all the hopes and dreams and plans for the future you've been building around a person crumble into dust is a shock to the system even when the deterioration has been gradual - not to mention the profound disappoinment at discovering your beloved isn't as you'd thought them to be in the first place. You need to allow yourself time to grieve for the loss of all this.
If you're certain in your heart that you've come to the end of the line here, don't spend any more time pining for her. When you feel strong enough, start the divorce proceedings. Taking the first step with regard to moving on is the most difficult bit; turn to family and friends for support as they can be invaluable at times like this. It's a sad fact that sometimes a person's demons win. You mustn't feel guilty about walking away them for your own sake. You know you did all you could, and nobody can ask for more than that. Good luck and take care :)
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