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male
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anonymous
writes: Hello,I am a 27 y/o guy that is in love with a wonderful, truly unique 19 y/o girl. We've been close friends for almost a year (met at work), and we like each other's company a lot. However, anytime I am with her, all I can focus on is the age difference and how guilty I feel for even hanging out with her, and it truly devastates me b/c I think we could have such an amazing relationship with each other, and my horrendous guilt prevents me from showing her how I feel or letting her in, and ruins everything. What's worse is that I don't think she realizes that the way I act isn't as close as I want to because I feel so guilty for being interested in her; she doesn't know how much it tears me apart. Worse, she comes from a really bad family with little (if any) parental leadership (they don't care what she does, nor could control it if they did), and this enhances the guilt I feel, like I'm doing wrong by wanting to be with her, despite the fact that I'm a successul guy that is probably (well, definitely) the best influence in her life (her other friends are into drugs and generally bad stuff, and frankly, she is much better than all of that and isn't really into it). She is truly unique, and I know that if I could only get past the horrible guilt and "wrong" feelings that I have we could have an incredibly loving relationship with each other. Maybe I am old-fashioned, I don't know, but it just seems like too big an age difference to me, even though we have a lot in common and are happy when with each other (when I'm not focusing on the age difference, which usually "attacks" me mid-way through hanging out with her). I should add that she doesn't care about age differences, and apparently has dated similarly older men in the past. None of this, however, makes it any easier for me to feel comfortable of the idea of it, because I just feel like "society" is judging me at every corner. I realize that the age difference between us is never going to go away, and that we can never be together if I can't get past it, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to. How do I get rid of this devastating guilt I feel? I know that I would treat this girl like the angel she is, and know that I would be the best thing in her life, yet I can't help but feel like a criminal for wanting her. I realize that we're at different life-stages (she's just started college, I've just graduated), but I have never met a girl so sweet, kind, good-natured, and all-around beautiful, and don't want to leave her behind because I can't get past my fear of being judged by society. Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): The age gap that you're referring to is insignificant. Your guilt is really just a culturally programmed response. Is the maturity level compatible? -can you talk for hours and be genuinely interested in her responses? -can she make YOU laugh? -you say you love her -it sounds like you'd be saving her from a bad background -but be wary of the "white knight" syndrome (being the good guy who "saves" her -very noble!) I've been there -you can't save anyone in love- she must be an equal and if she is GO FOR IT. Ask yourself -if she were X-years older -would THAT bother you? If she were Chinese -would you still want to be with her? I agree with previous posts -if you have a real chance at happiness-grab it -you'd be unpleasantly surprised at how few those opportunities really are. Take good care of her though.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2008): Be with her dont waste another day thinking about. my girlfriend is 19 and im turning 28 and we are in love and doing fine. whatever shit society thinks or does cant be as worse as not being with the person you love and as the years go by the age will not matter anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): hey. I really hope you do get to read this, seeing as this was written last year! i casually stumbled on your question and just wanted to tell you that you should go right ahead and get over that guilt. i was truly amazed when i read this article. i am a 16 year old girl (though i consider myself far more mature than your average 16 year old) and not too long ago, i realized that i really like this guy that i have known for a long time, who is like no other person i have ever met, he's just so...real. He is 24. That is the same age difference between you and the girl you mention. I think he shares the same feelings though there is that something which keeps him from telling me. I dont expect a relationship at this point in time but would much rather wait a few years, around the age you guys are at now, but still - i would be so indescribably happy if he would at least tell me how he feels. my point is - you seem like a wonderful person, and she's only lucky to have you - you should go ahead and open up to her. i have a feeling it will all be for the best. i wish you lots of luck!!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): hmmm I am in the same case.I am 16f and I am going out with 24 m.Sometimes I feel guilty about it but It doesen't matter if in the your relationship is all ok.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): Im am a 17 year old girl soon to be 18 and im dating a 24 year old. Will it work even if it bothers him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Hey,I know this has been posted a lot...but 8 years doesn't matter. I have heard of couples with 20 year differences, and looking at their faces when they are with each other is enough. It's what's inside that counts right? Age is just another facet of someone's physical being. She sounds beyond her age and if you are both attracted to each other you should go for it. Even if it doesn't end up working out, you will know that you tried and won't be wondering the rest of your life. Talk to her about it some more and maybe the guilt will start to disappear.
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male
reader, heyshaba  +, writes (9 June 2007):
8 years diff is nothing, man! Good luck with her!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2006): I'm a firm believer in the idea that, "you can't help who you fall in love with". However, at the same time, I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm 24 and really like this guy who I thought was in his late 20s, now I found out he is 32. I'm having a hard time getting past that age difference now. So, I too, have spent way too much time worrying about it.
Part of me thinks we grew up at different times, and I keep thinking how 8 years is 1/3 of my life. But, I know not trying would worry me more. If you get along well, have fun, and think there might be more there, than you owe it to yourselves to find out what can be. I know that's the advice I'm taking.
Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2006): Hello there.
I can undersyand your issue. I am a 22 year old girl. When I was 19, I met a wonderful man of 29 that I couldn't help but fall in love with. When he first kissed me, I ran a mile. I was terrified by the fact this older man had feelings for me. After a month in hiding I had to see him again, I couldn't control what I mayself was feeling.
We started seeing aechother, and shortly after (only a few weeks) he moved cities, but asked me to move with him to be his girlfriend. I left school when I was 16, and have had a job since a very young age. As a result, I have always felt rather grown up for my age. So with this, I agreed to give this a try. 8 months later, after a few visits, I moved to be with him.
We lived together for a year and then brought a house together. My parents and other friends frowned upon the age differece, and my guilt and his guilt often got the best of us. But my parents grew to love him the more they got to know him, and I am very close to his family.
We are at completely different stages of our lives, and it is hard. But together we work through things. He is 32, and ready for a family soon. I have just started my career. But compromise is the answer! Now our friends and fmaily often forget about the ago difference as we are in love and eachothers best friends.
I say go for it! You have met a wonderful girl that makes your heart melt. You may never find this again if you pass up this oppertunity. You sound like a lovely guy too and I respect your feelings about this difference. But don't hesitate. Just take things slowley, and appreciate eachother for all that you are.
Best of luck indeed!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2006): i was 19 when this man who was 29 asked out and he married me. 20 years later we're still married.. now i am almost 40 and he is 49.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): why are you worried about the age gap?
be grateful that you have found love she sounds great.
there are so many that haven't and quite a few that never will find love.
remember love holds no boundaries, 8 yrs is nothing.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): You said it yourself, you're in love with her. Hun, please don't pass this up. If she's as wonderful as you seem to think, girls like her won't come around very often.
You're both young. 8 years is a tiny age gap. When she's 20 and you're 28, will it matter? 40 and 48? 67 and 75?
Go for it. You're young adults and you deserve someone who makes you so happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): Hello, I am 19, my boyfriend is 25. I look at it this way: as far as people accepting it, if they truly care about me they would want me to be happy, and he makes me happy. Secondly, we only live once and I do not ever want to live my life thinking "what if?". Think about in a couple of years from now, can you see yourself with her? Think about your life without her. You obviously care about her very much and you deserve to be happy as well. Talk to her about it, if it doesn't bother her (which it shouldnt!), then I say go for it. You also do not have to go into a serious relationship right away, you can take your time and build up an even stronger friendship/love. Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2006): its not that big a gap, seriously. dont feel bad- its only 8 years. would you bat an eyelid if a 59 year old was with a 67 year old? if the girl is too immature then thats an issue. she doesnt seem like she is. ride it out, have fun. if it works out then good. best of luck. b x
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reader, sugapuff  +, writes (23 October 2006):
 im 21 my last boyfriend was 33 i couldnt have cared less i like older guys i dont connect with guys my own age because my life has been tough i grew up fast!be happy man!enjoy what you have as long as you have it!your not that much older no judging david lewis here he sounds happy!but once shes over 18 it doesnt matter anymore!theres absolutly nothing wrong with lot!just think YAY im in love!anyone that gives out is only jealous!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2006): HiI am not really sure what you are going on about the way you feel regarding the age diffrent.It is probably you being too judgemental and critical of yourself.Firstly 8 years is not that much of an age different.Secondly girls tend to mature faster than man and being 19 she is probably as or more mature than you are.Furthermore she seems like a really nice level headed person,your word unique.So,go ahead and share everything with her,what have you got to lose as if you do not you may lose her anyway.Communication,communication,communication and hopefully you and her will have a wonderfully fulfilling lives.
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reader, David Lewis  +, writes (23 October 2006):
 Been there, done that. People's perceptions are really irritating at first, but this eases in time.
I am 29 and have a 17 year old partner. She is the best thing to have happened to me and fate just seemed to have brought us together.
It does sometimes feel like society is judging you and it can put a lot of stress on the relationship. We have been through some hard times, but we refuse to let people's interpretations of our relationship ruin things for us. The added stresses have helped us bond even more.
Don't let other people's views ruin your own potential happiness and future.
One other thing. Don't feel guilty for falling in love.
Best of luck to you both.
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (23 October 2006):
 I don't see the big deal. I'm 29 and I would date a 19 year old. I think its more of a stage difference than an age difference. I suggest you let it go and be happy. Though I suggest also that you talk to her about it. She needs to know what the hold up is because it could look like its someone else if you're holding back. Be honest, talk it out and be happy. Life's too short. Good Luck.
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