A
female
age
30-35,
*ove988
writes:I've been in a healthy relationship for four years. The person I am with is the one that I'm meant to be with. So his 21rst birthday just recently passed.First; I was not invited to come, his brother was adamant that it was a guys night out only. I am younger than 21 so I somewhat understood, but I am 20 so I can get in all of the places he would potentially go. It somewhat hurt me a little bit that he wouldn't want me to be with him on his birthday.His brother ended up surprising him and taking him to a strip club, and he was there all night long. The worst part about it, other than it being a completely nude bar,was that his brother paid money to get him put up on stage and a topless dominatrix whipped him and slapped him and made him scream things, and now he has bruises and slap marks all over his chest from his fun night out.He was advertising it a little to family and friends and talks to people about it and every time I hear about it I can't stop the tears or pain.I can't stop getting these images out of my head and it hurts me to the point of nausea. I'd never expected this in a million years.I won't accept that it's a right of passage, each person has their own standards of respect.I feel hurt and disrespected by his brother for doing this,I feel hurt and disrespected by my boyfriend.I have talked to him and he swears it was a one night only event and that it won't happen again and that they meant nothing, but I just can't stop these awful feelings.Help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): I'm confused - your is GF of 4 years, and a 21st is a big deal. If his brother wanted to throw him a "guys night out", you should have thrown him a party or dinner to celebrate as well. There shouldn't have been a limit of ONE party. He and his brother should have done a Saturday night, and given you the actual day of his birthday (unless it was the same day, and then let them move it to Friday night).
As for him going to a nude club, these are meant to arouse and send him home to you... so long as he behaived himself you have nothing to be worked up about. HOWEVER, you need to understand that if you go on and on about this, it's the same as someone accusing a spouse of cheating when they haven't- it can lead to them cheating...
in a 4 year relationship, you two should be able to have long and meaningfull converstions... sounds like one is overdue.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): you have a right to have all these feelings and the feeling of sadness is so understandable.
he enjoyed his 21st, and came home proudly displaying the evidence of his trashy night out. you will eventually resent him for enjoying his outing that much o can tell you. but how about telling him just what you have written here. the hurt and disrespect you feel. you should not be upset that your values and belief system is different. at yleast you have one. you expected your bf perhaps say thanks but no thanks. but he didn't. tell him that you also feel betrayed. all you can do is just explain to him your feeling of perhaps jealously, rage even. would he entertain you going to a strip club and letting another man get down and dirty with you.don't think so. the brother should have known better than to take him to the club but maybe boys will be boys.
what pisses me off is not that he celebrated his 21st at the club but that since you two have been a couple for 4 years, you and perhaps a few special friends could have celebrated his "coming of age" together. maybe this is also upsetting you. birthdays are meant to be special and shpould be celebrated with people we love. just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Talk to him and find out, without sounding accusing, whether he wanted to get up on stage like that, I bet he didn't particularly. Strip clubs really aren't that bad - I went to one with my boyfriend because I wanted to see what they're like, and honestly it was a lot tamer than I expected. They have so many rules, nothing actually happens there! It sounds bad, but it's really not :)
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 I appreciate that you feel hurt and betrayed by what happened. If that's how you feel, then that's how you feel.
Everyone has values and boundaries, and I guess that going out with a man who has been whipped and beaten by a stripper is pushing hard at yours. It depends on how each person has been raised, how they view the world, and many other factors. I understand why you feel this way.
I will try to reassure you that many many men have this type of experience. I personally have never been whipped or beaten, but have watched and laughed while it happened to my mates, and even organised a strip night or two as fundraisers.
The purpose of getting a man up on stage is to generally humiliate him, I'm sorry to say. Your boyfriends brother had that one aim in mind, and your boyfriend felt obliged to follow on, as he was the 'birthday boy' and the one who everyone would be laughing at.
If you are worried that your boyfriend was sexually aroused or excited at the treatment, then please think again. (Of course, if he gets turned on by being humiliated in public, then I apologise). There was nothing sexual going on, and the invitation did not extend to you for obvious reasons.
I am not suggesting that you are wrong to think and feel the way that you do, but please examine your reasons why. If the fact that your boyfriend spent time on stage, or in the company of a stripper, or that the woman was topless, or that the drinks were served by a nude woman makes you uncomfortable, then thats ok. The only thing is, ask yourself WHY. Your boyfriend has bruises etc. He didn't have a great time, did he? Even though he spent the whole night in a strip club, there is no threat to your relationship at all, and no threat to you personally.
Tell him that you don't like the idea of what happened, and for your own reasons you feel terrible that it did. But I'm not sure that you have been betrayed in any way, as he didn't have, and more importantly, he wasn't looking for any sexual or emotional fun without you that night.
I hope you have enough faith in him to continue your relationship and help him understand why you feel the way that you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): It seems like to me you have a good guy there, have a little trust in him. It obvious it was all his brothers idea of a fun nite out before he settles down with you.
In my opoion your over-reacting its not like he had an affair at the end of the day, it wasnt even his idea he was just going out with the guys, looking like one of the guys, so stop blamming him for it, more than likely he was looking forward to seeing you next and being intimate with you, not some hooker on stage.
At the end off the day if you keep blamming him it will drive a wedge through your relationship which seems good, strong and healthy relationship filled with love. So cut him so slack
hope this helps
Also if he keeps talking about it maybe he liked it and maybe it can spice things up in the bedroom department, bring yous both closer together and maybe you will enjoy it too. Although maybe hes just talking about it to keep his bro happy and to look like one of the guys. You'll be fine its obvious he wants to be with you, hope it works out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): to be fair he didn't do anything wrong... he went to a strip club he had a laugh with mates ok he got stripped and whipped but so what?he's 21 it's his 21st birthday bash he had a laugh!he didn't sleep with her right?he didn't kiss her right?he didn't get her number?so he's done nothing wrong!! i understand you're hurt but the fact of the matter is he's done nothing wrong!!!!you're blowing things way out of line!! they've not disrespected you he had a party he did something crazy at the end of the day he's not a cheat he didn't make you a fool.there is nothing to really get that upset about.he had a laugh with his mates it's like you getting a male stripper for your hen night say... and he danced naked in front of you or whatever i'm sure you're boyfriend wouldn't feel disrespected or anything because he knows you didn't cheat and wouldn't.
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