A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all!I'm with my boyfriend for two years and a half and yesterday he told me a few things he doesn't like on me. One is that I'm very slow. All things I do, I do in my tempo, which isn't the same as the tempo of others... I no that myselfe and I don't like it either, but can't help it. At least I don't know how, and somehow I don't really want to. An other thing is that I'm quite chaotic and don't clean my flat as good as he does his. I was grown up in a very messy and quite dirty home. My own flat is not dirty at all, but I have a higher limit of tolerance than he does. He says I'm not efficient and thoroughly enough. He told my he thinks he could not live with me, because of this, but on the other hand he says he loves me. Can't believe he loves me, when he doesn't accept me as I am. I want to change, not only for him, but also for myselfe, but want do this with preassure. He feels loved by me, but I have dupts if he really loves me. And what more, I would like that a man would love me really as I am, with all I am. What can I do? How can I learn do things quicker and more efficient. I didn't learn how to properly clean a flat at my parents home, so I try myselfe, but is there a course where I can learn such things? I want to be good enough for him. So please help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your anser! I wrote an update below.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2007): Thank you for your answer.
I have to clarify that we don't live togheter and also that your friendship is sort of checking out if we once want get married or not. We will only live together once we are married. Now one can check how it could be by looking how the otherone is living now on his own. We both live with friends in a flat share, he with four guys and I with a femal friend. I'm doing all the cleaning in our flat on my own. I know, it is nor perfect, but I don't have more time for it and don't fancy doing all on my own. So I do it as quick as possible until I think it is clean enough for me now. But he now says that he doesn't like my flat, because it is not cleaned properly enough. And he doesn't like the mess in my bookcase, where I have batches of sheets and lecture notes, not enough folders and shelves in the bookcase to put it very nicly.
At my parents home, everything is messy. There are not many cloth on the floor, but everything else, plastic bags, books, toys, ... everything you can think of. You can not reach my parents bed without climbing up piles of stuff and my moms room (she has got an own room, just to put in her stuff), you have got difficulties ot open the door and once it is open, you can not go in, because of all the "rubbish"... I somehow can understand he is afraid that I will be the same on day...
So he wants me to be effective and do things very properly. I have the feeling, I'm fighting for his love all the time, but he can just sit there and be lucky, he his loved...
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A
female
reader, JulietteElise  +, writes (5 May 2007):
 perhaphs you could clean the flat together, him showing you the ways he thinks things should be done. after this, its up to YOU weither you want to do these things or not, but i see nothing wrong with at least trying it out with his lead. Also, if you both lived together, perhaps he should be in charge of cleaning? Or at least makeing a fair list of chores to devide equally based either on what either of you is best at, or changing it every other weekend, etc. If part of the problem is haveing cloths all over the place, i have found that a laundry hamper that folds out so it stands up by itself, without a cover, is best because i can just toss all of the dirty clothes in it after getting undressed instead of haveing them pile up on my floor. Do you have a dishwasher? If so, rinse out your dishes and put them in the dishwsher right away instead of letting it pile up, and once they are all clean and dryed put them away (it takes only a minute or so, and is more fun when blasting some music and singing along). /if there is no dishwasher, then takeing turns or washing the dishes together after every meal will save time in the longrun. you didn't mention what it was that was messy, so i am only guessing, but there are many ways to orginize things, for orginizing tips and iteams i would suggest looking online or if you get any of those orginizeing/designing homes/rooms tv shows to watch a few for ideas. Pretty much though, i feel that the person with the higher cleaning expectations should take charge of the cleaning and kindly let the other person know what they can do to help clean since messy people like us are a bit oblvious (my bf is also rather neat and tidy, unlike me). Also there are little things that are just good ideas sanitation wise, like if theres crumbs after your meal to sweep them up, and if you spill milk, clean it up right then!
as for being slow.... well... you said you relize you do this but don't really want to change, so don't change! I agree with you that a person should love and respect you for who and how you are, but obviously there are instinces (such as cleaning perhaps, or when you are both late soemwhere and need to walk faster) when comprimizes can be made. It sounds like this has been bugging and nagging you for awhile and that you feel a bit resentfull and hurt.... i think you bith should sit down and have a talk with eachother about HOW to talk to eachother. like being sensitive to eahcother's emotions, and saying things in a way that dosunt sound demanding or combative. for instince, saying things like "i feel like this when ____ happens" instead of "you NEVER _____" and so forth. Also, if you guys would like to live together, try figureing out how things will be handled before you are both in the situation and things get bitter. Like who is in charge of doing dishes, or how cleaning will be taken care of, and so forth.
i hope this helped
cheers!
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