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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I were going out for a year when she and her family moved from Scotland, to Wales. At first she did'nt want to leave, but i told her she had to go with her family. Everything went well for the next three months with us both visiting each other, and staying in touch via, letters, texting and phone calls as often as possible. However, just recently, without warning, i got a text saying that we shood go our seperate ways and i phoned to demand an explanation, said that she still loved me but couldnt cope with the pressures of a long distance relationship, we both ended up crying but she would not change her mind. I am joining the army soon ,and that means i'll be even closer to her house, but she still wants to spit up. I dont know what to do beacause i love her so much, and cant bear to be without her! she says she loves me too but thinks thing will be to difficult, what can i say to her to get her to change her mind? Thanks
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 January 2005):
 Hi there,I'm so sorry that this is tearing you up, but I think your g/f is being sensible under the circumstances. As you're discovering, long-distance relationships take a tremendous amount of effort and even then, it's hard to make them work. The main obstacle is that there isn't any simple way that you can keep up with each other's daily life and the small details that create intimacy, so you end up straining for conversational topics when you do see each other. The absence of sex or even modest physical affection adds another level of stress.Your g/f seems to have understood or learned this recently, although I agree that she dropped it on you very tactlessly. (Note: never break up by text.) With your enlistment, there's a very good chance that you'll be posted to other areas in months and years to come and you two will have even more time and distance between you. Your g/f has probably thought of this and has realised that she can't cope with that. The short answer, I'm sorry to say, is that there is no way to have a relationship when only one party wants it. You can't change her mind, but you could ask her to remain open-minded about the future. Let her know that you still love her, even though you accept and respect her feelings, then tell her that you'd still like to keep things open between you, in case your feelings remain strong in spite of the distance. Maybe later on down the track you'll be near to each other again and be able to pick up the threads. If you can, try to remain on good terms with her. That way at least you can feel comfortable ringing her or emailing now and then, so she remembers in months to come what a wonderful boyfriend you were to her and looks forward to hearing from you.Hope that this helps.
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