A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Okay I have many issues with my relationship but I will bring up one at a time and see what we can figure out solutions. First off I am a 30 year old female in a 8 year relationship with someone who is 1 year older than me. He has 3 kids and I have 2 from previous relationships/marriages. The first issue I would like to address is his ex. Yes I know from personal experience than their father/mother is an important part of the child's life. But she is the exception. Burnt our house down in 2004 on Valentines Day (never convicted) multiple jail times (3 180 day shock treatments), manipulative (has had the kids steal money and jewelry from us) plays mind games and even had the youngest child taken from her for being an unfit mom. My issue is that he got custody taken away from her for the first 2 children so she still has every other weekend and holiday visits compared to the youngest who who has 1 hour supervised visits a week (of which she has never set up in the 4 years he's had custody of her). My dilemma is that he could go file a modification of custody order to change the visitation so that all kids are on the same supervised visitation but he claims he can't do it. First it was because of money. I offered to pay the 2-300 for him to file the order. Then the excuse was he's too busy to mess with it. I am more than concerned of it's affect on the kids. His ex has convinced them to steal money from us (over $300 at one time), my jewelry, and his oldest daughter is under the assumption her mom is the best ever. She's learning her tricks and goes to the counselor at school who in turn calls DFS over bogus stuff as does her mother. I have my own 2 kids to worry about, if something was to ever happen because of some lie she or her mom tells DFS and my kids were in jeopardy that's just plain ridiculous. Because of this and my other issues within the relationship I moved away June 2010. We've been doing a long distance deal since then, he in MO and I am in OK. I've been trying to work with what I can but I can't move back until certain issues are taken care of for me and my kids. Let alone his. After offering to pay the initial fee to get the ball starting and he came up with the time issue, he has since brought up more money issues if she shows up with a lawyer. I offered to borrow the money to pay for it but he still sits on the back burner about it. His oldest daughter has started counseling (at my accommodation) to help her sort out her own demons. She's 11 and I know it will be an ongoing treatment for a while. I need to know some sort of feedback. He wants me to move back to help take care of things and be in this relationship (he doesn't think long distance is any way to have a relationship). I told him I would if he could get things started in a positive direction. What are you're opinions? I will give any additional information I can to get some sort of clarity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. Yes I know she'll always be some part of his life. I just wish since he knows the damage she inflicts that he would work on trying to restrict the visitation being that its been apparent of her relentless attacks. If the visitation changed to just the 1 hour per week and it's supervised then I don't think her influence over them would be as strong. He claims that it's a big influence but can't act upon it which is the aggravating part. I lived in the situation for 7 years dealing with his ex and such but I do love him but I am getting tired of his inaction against the hurdles. When I first moved down there he just got custody of his first 2 children and then 4 years ago when he learned that his other daughter was taken by the state he took care of that too. He's just not stepping up to help out their well being or so it seems. Again Thank you so much. I really appreciate any input.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 August 2011):
 It definitely sounds like this guy and his ex comes as a package. Also, it sounds like his ex uses their children as pawns in her game to extract revenge upon him.
The long distance relationship is largely working because the ex and the kids aren't really in your life -- and neither is your boyfriend.
There aren't many real good solutions to your problem. I think you are going to have decide if you this man you are involved with is worth the risk and trouble. You could not only be putting your children at risk (especially if she burning down houses) you are putting yourself at risk.
I don't think there's any magical remedy to the problems you are facing in this relationship. I think his ex and their children will ALWAYS be in your life and will always cause some sort of aggravation for you and your boyfriend. I think at this point, you have to ask yourself whether continuing this life is worth the risk and pain involved.
Good luck.
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